major freak the fuck out night
Had a great session with Joanna.
Literally as I walked into yhe waiting room and looked at my phone I had a message from a 301 number I didn't know. I thought to myself holy shit wouldn't it be funny if this was regarding a job. And it was. Banfield of silver spring, even though I applied to Bethesda (they have the same application procedures as PetSmart). I talked to the lady, she asked a few questions and I responded and then she asked me if I could interview tomorrow. Knowing my mom is coming up here I told her I had to confirm an appointment but would call her right back. Bottom line I have an interview for 3pm tomorrow. I was so excited!! Jumping up and down!!But now that has changed and I am crying out of control. First I looked up the address and it is so far away. It shouldn't be considered silver spring- its by 95 and is basically calverton. There is no way I can work that far away- it would not be worth it with that distance. And now I'm terrified about the interview. I never get scared or nervous about interviews and I always handle them so well. It's like second nature- or it was. I'm terrified. I have never felt this before. Now I have to come up with questions to ask. What am I going to wear? What if I fuck up my words talking to her? What if I can't get any words out? I'm so scared.I'm trying to calm down by playing with the cat bit that is not even working. I don't know how to calm down. I shouldn't be crying right now. What is wrong with me. Even if I'm not going to take a job that far out, its still good to have an interview for experience. And get info on Banfield. Plus I can ask if they can transfer my data to other stores etc.But that doesn't answer why I am so upset. I know it will all be fine and I'm telling myself that but it's not helping. I don't know what to do or how to control myself. It's not even just a few tears- its full out crying like someone just died. This is not right and I can't do this- but I can't stop. Please help. Something anything. This is not right.It's a damn argument in my head now because I'm telling myself to stop but I can't and it's going back and forth. I feel like I'm losing my mind.
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Okay I know this is me thinking to much into things, but I can't keep my mind straight. I don't understand what is going on with me tonight. I really don't. I'm sure it's something that I'm creating, but I don't know how I am or why I am. None of it makes sense to me. I calmed down for a while and was able to do somethings...but just a bit ago lost control of myself again. Literally lost control of myself. I tried telling myself to get my act together but it didn't work. I seriously and honestly tried to stop myself. But all of a sudden I started crying again- full blown crying. Which turned into screaming. And then I couldn't breathe...I felt like I was gasping for air and couldn't' get any. That got me mad or something, because then I started throwing things and punching/hitting things. I was shaking and literally out of control. I felt like my heart was going to rip out of my chest. I felt nauseous which then made me want to purge. I wanted to cut, rip myself to shreds. but why? I have no reasons as to why. I screamed and and I was yelling things like "no, i'm not going to" and random shit. I have no fucking clue where the hell any of this shit came from. It is a little scary thinking back on how I was reacting. I was out of control. It was scary. I don't get it.
I have since taken my ativan and have managed to calm down a little. But what the fuck happened and why? There is no common sense reason behind any of that. I don't get it. I hate this shit and I just want to be normal. I don't want to act like this. I cant act like this- it's irresponsible and ridiculous. \
and i desperately want a response- desperately. please. something, anything. i cant say this to anyhone else bc they'll think i'm nuts- you probably do to right now. what the fuck happened to be god damn happy. i just want someone to tell me what to do.
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I know I am over-reacting...that's the problem. And the fact that I can't stop myself.
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Everything that happened was blown completely out of control. By no means was anything that I did appropriate for the situation. I am aware of that and I tried to tell myself that but I didn't help. AH I don't want to wait til Friday- I want to talk about it sooner. I know this second blow up of mine this evening can't even possibly be related to the job. No way. Myh mind and body are all a mess righ tnow. Hopefully I'll sleep it off. Sorry
Literally as I walked into yhe waiting room and looked at my phone I had a message from a 301 number I didn't know. I thought to myself holy shit wouldn't it be funny if this was regarding a job. And it was. Banfield of silver spring, even though I applied to Bethesda (they have the same application procedures as PetSmart). I talked to the lady, she asked a few questions and I responded and then she asked me if I could interview tomorrow. Knowing my mom is coming up here I told her I had to confirm an appointment but would call her right back. Bottom line I have an interview for 3pm tomorrow. I was so excited!! Jumping up and down!!But now that has changed and I am crying out of control. First I looked up the address and it is so far away. It shouldn't be considered silver spring- its by 95 and is basically calverton. There is no way I can work that far away- it would not be worth it with that distance. And now I'm terrified about the interview. I never get scared or nervous about interviews and I always handle them so well. It's like second nature- or it was. I'm terrified. I have never felt this before. Now I have to come up with questions to ask. What am I going to wear? What if I fuck up my words talking to her? What if I can't get any words out? I'm so scared.I'm trying to calm down by playing with the cat bit that is not even working. I don't know how to calm down. I shouldn't be crying right now. What is wrong with me. Even if I'm not going to take a job that far out, its still good to have an interview for experience. And get info on Banfield. Plus I can ask if they can transfer my data to other stores etc.But that doesn't answer why I am so upset. I know it will all be fine and I'm telling myself that but it's not helping. I don't know what to do or how to control myself. It's not even just a few tears- its full out crying like someone just died. This is not right and I can't do this- but I can't stop. Please help. Something anything. This is not right.It's a damn argument in my head now because I'm telling myself to stop but I can't and it's going back and forth. I feel like I'm losing my mind.
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Okay I know this is me thinking to much into things, but I can't keep my mind straight. I don't understand what is going on with me tonight. I really don't. I'm sure it's something that I'm creating, but I don't know how I am or why I am. None of it makes sense to me. I calmed down for a while and was able to do somethings...but just a bit ago lost control of myself again. Literally lost control of myself. I tried telling myself to get my act together but it didn't work. I seriously and honestly tried to stop myself. But all of a sudden I started crying again- full blown crying. Which turned into screaming. And then I couldn't breathe...I felt like I was gasping for air and couldn't' get any. That got me mad or something, because then I started throwing things and punching/hitting things. I was shaking and literally out of control. I felt like my heart was going to rip out of my chest. I felt nauseous which then made me want to purge. I wanted to cut, rip myself to shreds. but why? I have no reasons as to why. I screamed and and I was yelling things like "no, i'm not going to" and random shit. I have no fucking clue where the hell any of this shit came from. It is a little scary thinking back on how I was reacting. I was out of control. It was scary. I don't get it.
I have since taken my ativan and have managed to calm down a little. But what the fuck happened and why? There is no common sense reason behind any of that. I don't get it. I hate this shit and I just want to be normal. I don't want to act like this. I cant act like this- it's irresponsible and ridiculous. \
and i desperately want a response- desperately. please. something, anything. i cant say this to anyhone else bc they'll think i'm nuts- you probably do to right now. what the fuck happened to be god damn happy. i just want someone to tell me what to do.
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I know I am over-reacting...that's the problem. And the fact that I can't stop myself.
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Everything that happened was blown completely out of control. By no means was anything that I did appropriate for the situation. I am aware of that and I tried to tell myself that but I didn't help. AH I don't want to wait til Friday- I want to talk about it sooner. I know this second blow up of mine this evening can't even possibly be related to the job. No way. Myh mind and body are all a mess righ tnow. Hopefully I'll sleep it off. Sorry
Replies
I don\'t know what is causing this panic. Is it maybe the disappointment of that job being so far away and therefore not being a possibility? That is my only guess. Because you get this fantastic news and then it\'s shattered within minutes. I really admire you for going anyway and maybe they have an opening somewhere close. Don\'t worry about asking questions and answering them, that just comes natural once you are there. And you are a very well spoken young lady so I have absolutely no worries about that. And with black pants, a white shirt and black blazer you can never go wrong.
Your outbreak is totally scary, out of proportion and I am seriously worried. There is something wrong with you. Nobody would react that way, not even the dramaqueen of dramaqueens. Please talk to your psych. He needs to run test or do something because one day you will harm yourself during one of those fits. Can you maybe switch to Klonopin? That\'s longer acting than Ativan. But still meds aren\'t the solution. I\'m very worried. I wish you had recorded the outbreak for your psych to hear. Hope you feel better and have a good interview. I have no doubt in my mind that you will ace it.
wow steph, this is scary shit. i also can only think of it as a severe overreation to the job. getting the phone call and then seeing it wont work for you.think positive and proud, you could of called back, told the the reason why, the distance, and not go on the interview, but you arent doing that. nice conservative attire is always safe, example above in karins. i hope you have called your psych by now and if not please do. this sounds very serious and way out of control you could easily hurt yourself and you are suffering from something internal, to act like that.please get the help you need, i love you.
I emailed all this to Joanna. She responded with \"Steff
I am responding b/c you seem so upset, but I think you are over-reacting. We can talk about this on Friday. I do hope you feel better.
Joanna\"
dah - she thinks you are overreacting - no shit, what needs to be figured out is why you are overreacting and in such a outrageous fashion