Made it another year ....
well, I made it through yet another Christmas season without Randy. 9 in total. I used to love Christmas. My Grandma loved the holidays and always made them so special. Growing up it was like a fairy tale and anything a child could want. I did my best to carry that on for Randy. He loved the holidays and I often saw the same love in his eyes that my Grandma had in hers.
Perhaps that's why the holidays are sad for me now instead of joyous. Grandma passed away in 98 and Randy joined her in 03. In 5 short years my life changed to a point of no return.
I believe in signs -- messages for heaven by our loved ones when we need it most. It was 2000 and the first time we rushed Randy to the ER with alcohol poinsoning. It was touch and go and there was a point I feared we would leave that hospital without him. I've always prayed, always believed to that point and I prayed through tears he wouldn't leave yet. I remember walking into that room when he woke up and seeing him lying there on the bed. Pale, sweaty and unsettled. He looked at me and asked where Nana was. (That was what he called my Grandma) I just stared at him, looked at his dad and back at him. Randy, she's gone ... she died 2 years ago. As things like he's lost his memory run through my head he spoke up ... "no, mom ... she was just here. She was standing right there holding my hand for an hour". He believed it ... and so did I. She would find a way to help her kids ... I have no doubt Randy was visited by his Nana that night.
I struggled this year more than I have in years. I can't explain it ... it was just painful for me. My "bonus" son Jason came to visit Christmas night. That was a highlight for me. It was a peaceful moment even though we changed our plans and didn't do our normal chinese and a movie but somehow, it was better. I needed the time with Jason more than a movie.
I watched some of the people I support at work struggle with not having anyone to visit or family to see them. Some have family but just have been forgotten or cast offs. It's sad ... what a waste of time. My "folks" at work never know I'm struggling. I hide it fairly well and tried to give them a nice holiday. That, I am thankful for doing.
I'm trying to be positive when I enter the new year. I don't do resolutions or pretend promises ... never really saw the need. This year I'm going to just live ... for me ... my family ... Randy's memory ... all of it. I'm going to try to find the good ... what happens is for a reason for the greater good ... whether or now it's understood at the time.
Perhaps that's why the holidays are sad for me now instead of joyous. Grandma passed away in 98 and Randy joined her in 03. In 5 short years my life changed to a point of no return.
I believe in signs -- messages for heaven by our loved ones when we need it most. It was 2000 and the first time we rushed Randy to the ER with alcohol poinsoning. It was touch and go and there was a point I feared we would leave that hospital without him. I've always prayed, always believed to that point and I prayed through tears he wouldn't leave yet. I remember walking into that room when he woke up and seeing him lying there on the bed. Pale, sweaty and unsettled. He looked at me and asked where Nana was. (That was what he called my Grandma) I just stared at him, looked at his dad and back at him. Randy, she's gone ... she died 2 years ago. As things like he's lost his memory run through my head he spoke up ... "no, mom ... she was just here. She was standing right there holding my hand for an hour". He believed it ... and so did I. She would find a way to help her kids ... I have no doubt Randy was visited by his Nana that night.
I struggled this year more than I have in years. I can't explain it ... it was just painful for me. My "bonus" son Jason came to visit Christmas night. That was a highlight for me. It was a peaceful moment even though we changed our plans and didn't do our normal chinese and a movie but somehow, it was better. I needed the time with Jason more than a movie.
I watched some of the people I support at work struggle with not having anyone to visit or family to see them. Some have family but just have been forgotten or cast offs. It's sad ... what a waste of time. My "folks" at work never know I'm struggling. I hide it fairly well and tried to give them a nice holiday. That, I am thankful for doing.
I'm trying to be positive when I enter the new year. I don't do resolutions or pretend promises ... never really saw the need. This year I'm going to just live ... for me ... my family ... Randy's memory ... all of it. I'm going to try to find the good ... what happens is for a reason for the greater good ... whether or now it's understood at the time.
Replies
Do you say to yourself, Wow where did the time go...At the beginning stages when the moms who were a head of me said I\'ll be alright or Ok, in 2 or 3 years, I could not fathom or understand any of what was said to me. I lived on hope and blind faith. NOW it will be 7 years since Ryan went to heaven... I can\'t believe how fast the time went, after a certain point time goes by, Hind sight is 20/20...I noticed every year is different then the one before, I think this is how we learn how to cope as time goes by.. I was good this year, for the 1st time.. I kept busy, I had Christmas at my house and had to put my mind set to a positive or else....My mom used to be the one that pulled things together.. She is no longer mind set for any of it anymore, she is 78, and we are now changing roles, I\'m doing for my parents now...It took a long time for me to realize I need to get out of myself and step up to the plate...You Know...
Well NOW that Christmas the excitement the spending money we don\'t have, my daughter went back to NJ, 6 hr drive from NH, I started to feel the let down.. I regonize what to do, Keep Busy, help others, keep moving or move on, as everyone would say to me, which I hated to hear anyone say is to MOVE ON, how dare them say that to me after lossing my son... I\'ve been feeling as though Ryan is letting me know through signs that he is proud of me for a change.. So yes I do believe in signs, like you said... Who knows next week I might be crying in the shower where know one can see me, you know....
I really enjoy reading your journals, if I only could write more it would help.BUT I get speechless alot....HAHAHA, no lie,lol... Have a Happy New Year girlfriend, XO Kelly
Yes, we made it...and we did it to the best of ability and we will continue to the best of our ability in 2013.
Thank you for sharing Randy\'s special visit with Nana....I SO BELIEVE! And I believe they have been holding your hands these past years as well.
So glad you were able to spend time with Jason, what a wonderful gift....time with those we love!! And in case no one else has said it lately....
THANK YOU for all you do for so many! You brighten lives and touch hearts everywhere you go.
May 2013 fill your heart with joy, peace, and love and may you always feel Randy and Nana close by.
Love and hugs, Teri
Yes, we made it...and we did it to the best of ability and we will continue to the best of our ability in 2013.
Thank you for sharing Randy\'s special visit with Nana....I SO BELIEVE! And I believe they have been holding your hands these past years as well.
So glad you were able to spend time with Jason, what a wonderful gift....time with those we love!! And in case no one else has said it lately....
THANK YOU for all you do for so many! You brighten lives and touch hearts everywhere you go.
May 2013 fill your heart with joy, peace, and love and may you always feel Randy and Nana close by.
Love and hugs, Teri
Computer timed out....sorry for the double post.
You are walking your path and open to receive the growth and changes that it is bringing.
Thank you for sharing how it is feeling for you and oh, without the signs I\'m not sure where I would be. I absolutely adore them and always thank Douglas for being SO creative in how he gets my attention and lets me know he\'s with me.
Loving care to you and yours and appreciate reading your journal so very much.
XO Joanie
Changing plans is a good thing.especiallt when you can spend time with a loved one, Jason. I love your Nana and Randy moment....I alos so beleive,
love ya!!
You are no doubt a blessing to the folks at your work. It\'s so sad to think that some are forgotten by their family, that\'s just not right. Thanks for caring & not letting them be totally forgotten.