Machine mode
I just feel like I'm a machine. That I'm on autopilot. I had a few great days since I went NC and I definitely feel happier and much better.
But yesterday was my birthday and even thou it's better that he didn't, I was kinda -I don't know- hoping, or expecting, that he'll at least get in touch to say Happy Birthday. I mean, he could have for what I know, sent me an email but I barred him from all my email accounts and any email from him would go straight into the trash. I know it's better that I got no contact from him, but I do feel lonely. I don't miss him, I just miss the idea of him, what I used to hope he would be (but he never was, for more than a day or two; he just said things and made a million promises that he didn't keep, he was lying every day and was so nasty).
Today I decided to go through my Mac and get rid of all pictures of him. But something went wrong and even though I was deleting each picture manually, it deleted a lot of other pictures too (practically all my pictures) and I don't seem to be able to restore them! I feel really frustrated, and p'd off, spent hours on the damn thing. Why did he leave all pics of him on the Mac??
The weird thing is that looking at him on the pics made me feel such a mixture of emotions. First if all, no love. When I saw some of his happy pics, I felt a pang of grief for losing WHAT I THOUGHT WE HAD, but then I remembered that that wasn't real; the good side of him wasn't real! Just to reel me in. Then I realised that I don't know what I saw in him; it was all the deem he 'sold me' and all them lies that I believed for a while that made him attractive to me. Not him. I didn't find him attractive and I could now see the underlying aggression on his face! I remember when I first met him, he totally wasn't my type and perhaps that was one of the reasons why I went for him, and that he was super persistent and attentive. He was super keen and really wanted me, I was vulnerable and needy after my exN cheated on me and BPDX was a rebound relationship. I should have never got involved with him.
I don't see now why I stayed with him although 2.5 months after my divorce came through and I was feeling better and realised that he is an emotional abuser and what is going on, I started looking for a house. Things got worse after probably because he felt he was losing control over me...?
I just feel emotionally in a strange place and can't really put my finger on it to describe how I feel. Maybe like a failure outcast would be a good description.
I just went for decades on autopilot, not paying attention on bow something made me feel; just feeling the pain and getting on with things because I couldn't break down or didn't know what to do with my feelings or what they were even.
I decided to quit smoking, today was my 2nd day and I could have killed for a ciggie! Not fishing for sympathy but it's hard. But I know that I smoke because it reminds me of the rape when I was 13 and that I survived it. So when I smoke, that says to me subconsciously: you survived much worse and you are still here.
So whenever I go through a painful experience (relationship based experience) I smoke and it somehow reminds me that I have been through worse and survived it.
I'm having to re-home Jack, my dog, because I'm out of the house with work 10 hrs/day; he us old now and needs more care and attention than he used to and now I don't have a partner to share the duties with. I just want to do the best and right thing for him. Be a responsible dog owner. He does my head in that he wees inside but it's not his fault, he is just old. This whole thing is so difficult and I had him for 12 years. A re-homing charity I have been in touch with emailed today saying that they can take him soon. I just feel so sad but relieved at the same time. Does that make sense?
I just feel a bit all over the shop and not been sleeping well either; need to look after myself and go to bed on time...
Why am I feeling so all over the place? I don'undesand myself! :-(. I should be happy that I'm rid of that nobface BPDX!
But yesterday was my birthday and even thou it's better that he didn't, I was kinda -I don't know- hoping, or expecting, that he'll at least get in touch to say Happy Birthday. I mean, he could have for what I know, sent me an email but I barred him from all my email accounts and any email from him would go straight into the trash. I know it's better that I got no contact from him, but I do feel lonely. I don't miss him, I just miss the idea of him, what I used to hope he would be (but he never was, for more than a day or two; he just said things and made a million promises that he didn't keep, he was lying every day and was so nasty).
Today I decided to go through my Mac and get rid of all pictures of him. But something went wrong and even though I was deleting each picture manually, it deleted a lot of other pictures too (practically all my pictures) and I don't seem to be able to restore them! I feel really frustrated, and p'd off, spent hours on the damn thing. Why did he leave all pics of him on the Mac??
The weird thing is that looking at him on the pics made me feel such a mixture of emotions. First if all, no love. When I saw some of his happy pics, I felt a pang of grief for losing WHAT I THOUGHT WE HAD, but then I remembered that that wasn't real; the good side of him wasn't real! Just to reel me in. Then I realised that I don't know what I saw in him; it was all the deem he 'sold me' and all them lies that I believed for a while that made him attractive to me. Not him. I didn't find him attractive and I could now see the underlying aggression on his face! I remember when I first met him, he totally wasn't my type and perhaps that was one of the reasons why I went for him, and that he was super persistent and attentive. He was super keen and really wanted me, I was vulnerable and needy after my exN cheated on me and BPDX was a rebound relationship. I should have never got involved with him.
I don't see now why I stayed with him although 2.5 months after my divorce came through and I was feeling better and realised that he is an emotional abuser and what is going on, I started looking for a house. Things got worse after probably because he felt he was losing control over me...?
I just feel emotionally in a strange place and can't really put my finger on it to describe how I feel. Maybe like a failure outcast would be a good description.
I just went for decades on autopilot, not paying attention on bow something made me feel; just feeling the pain and getting on with things because I couldn't break down or didn't know what to do with my feelings or what they were even.
I decided to quit smoking, today was my 2nd day and I could have killed for a ciggie! Not fishing for sympathy but it's hard. But I know that I smoke because it reminds me of the rape when I was 13 and that I survived it. So when I smoke, that says to me subconsciously: you survived much worse and you are still here.
So whenever I go through a painful experience (relationship based experience) I smoke and it somehow reminds me that I have been through worse and survived it.
I'm having to re-home Jack, my dog, because I'm out of the house with work 10 hrs/day; he us old now and needs more care and attention than he used to and now I don't have a partner to share the duties with. I just want to do the best and right thing for him. Be a responsible dog owner. He does my head in that he wees inside but it's not his fault, he is just old. This whole thing is so difficult and I had him for 12 years. A re-homing charity I have been in touch with emailed today saying that they can take him soon. I just feel so sad but relieved at the same time. Does that make sense?
I just feel a bit all over the shop and not been sleeping well either; need to look after myself and go to bed on time...
Why am I feeling so all over the place? I don'undesand myself! :-(. I should be happy that I'm rid of that nobface BPDX!
Replies
Not really sure what to say here. Wish I had something idk...helpful? But honestly...I feel a lot of the time in the same place you are. I relate to that \'machine/autopilot\' feeling even now. Although for me its been 8 months NC. However, like you I still feel happier without him. You were saying how you looked at pics and you didn\'t feel you loved him. You were in love with the illusion. And its so hard getting away from the illusion. To me it felt like waking up from a dream. I feel like I\'m still waking up from it and I have to remind myself sometimes that the real him isn\'t a good person or what I thought. 0_o
I also relate to what you wrote with \'just feeling the pain and getting on with things \". I feel like I\'ve done that my whole life as well. Maybe its low self-esteem. Maybe we just don\'t feel worthy of trying to make things better for ourselves? Or we just feel its such a monumental task we give up before we even start? What do you think?
Wish I had more to say...I guess we all got to find our own way out of the \'machine\' feeling. I just wanted to tell you that I relate to how you\'re feeling...I think it is possible for you to feel good and alive and not like a machine and leaving him is a HUGE step towards feeling good again. Because really he was such a negative influence.
I hope you find ways to look after yourself and get more sleep. And good luck with quitting smoking, you can do it :) Best wishes and you are amazing and strong for leaving him. And happy belated b-day :)
Thank you hon! :-)
And thank you for commenting on my JE.
I think it\'s because we have been traumatised by events in our lives and we just \'don\'t want to go there\' to feel all that pain again. I do just feel numb, and we know that\'s from PTSD. I do feel traumatised by some things that I\'ve been through; the rapes, the abuse, and thus includes the emotional abuse BPDX put me through. I felt so helpless and just used to freeze when he was yelling and cursing at me for no good reason. I just felt numb. And I still do.
I just know I have to deal with my emotions and feelings now... And it\'s hard!
Thanks for hour support!
A xx
I think my triggers are the same as yours..my mom was horrible she never liked me and certainly I can remember even reading me a story or kissing me etc..my dad and her divorced..he was my idol..I had a neighbour who molested me when I was 5..I crave affection and hate being alone. I dont crave sex. But I am aware of all my past crap but I cant seem to fix it.
Yes, same here re: your last line. But I totally crave and love sex, also crave affection and companionship, but like being alone to an extent. But I think these are quite human and normal, no?
I think the key in fixing ourselves is paying attention to ourselves, and work on it, be dedicated to ourselves like we were to our loser exes! We didn\'t mind spending all our love, attention and energy on them and trying to change them into better people even though they were lost causes. But we don\'t do the same to ourselves; even though we are the only people we can fix, and we want to be fixed so it wouldn\'t be like fighting a losing battle! It\'s just the emotions associated to all this that is hard to deal with and we are not as patient towards ourselves as we have been towards these bloody losers!
It\'s our time now and I know it\'s time to sort myself out so I don\'t feel the need to find diversions from my pain and problems.
I\'m so sorry you have been molested too hon and for everything you have been through too! It\'s time to learn to love ourselves!
Thank you for your thoughts, it really helps!
A xx
I just wanted to add something about the rapes...which is I have been dealing with mine, reading extensively about rape and I got a book \'resurrection after rape\' (which I would totally recommend to you). And you know what...I feel like I\'m finally healing from the rape. I realize that I don\'t have to feel dirty and shameful and have a stigma forever. So I think when you said its PTSD you are right on the nail and I think it is possible to heal the wound if we process it with therapy and lots of work. And again, I\'m saying that because I am processing it. Rape IS something we can heal from...I think we may carry a scar and it we can\'t erase the memory but if we process the trauma the wound that has been hurting us can finally heal into a scar rather than just keep bleeding.
Thank you hon! Somebody else recommended a book called \'The gas light effect\' to help to overcome relationships with pathologicals. I will read that and then the book you just recommended. It turns out my counsellor is trained in EMDR so I will try that to help me overcome PTSD.
I\'m getting there... Just wish I was more creative, I think that would help; my therapist asked me to draw. Will give it a shot :-) although my stick man is equivalent of a 5 year old\'s. Lol
Thanks for your comment and your wise, kind, helpful thoughts!
A xx
Yea, I\'ve heard of the gaslight effect too it sounds REALLY good...I really want to get it too once I\'m done with the dusty pile of books on my shelf waiting to be finished o_0. Let me know how it is x
Will do! I have quite a pile to read too, but looking foreward to them (once I unpacked them all...) :-)
A xx