Machine mode
I just feel like I'm a machine. That I'm on autopilot. I had a few great days since I went NC and I definitely feel happier and much better.
But yesterday was my birthday and even thou it's better that he didn't, I was kinda -I don't know- hoping, or expecting, that he'll at least get in touch to say Happy Birthday. I mean, he could have for what I know, sent me an email but I barred him from all my email accounts and any email from him would go straight into the trash. I know it's better that I got no contact from him, but I do feel lonely. I don't miss him, I just miss the idea of him, what I used to hope he would be (but he never was, for more than a day or two; he just said things and made a million promises that he didn't keep, he was lying every day and was so nasty).
Today I decided to go through my Mac and get rid of all pictures of him. But something went wrong and even though I was deleting each picture manually, it deleted a lot of other pictures too (practically all my pictures) and I don't seem to be able to restore them! I feel really frustrated, and p'd off, spent hours on the damn thing. Why did he leave all pics of him on the Mac??
The weird thing is that looking at him on the pics made me feel such a mixture of emotions. First if all, no love. When I saw some of his happy pics, I felt a pang of grief for losing WHAT I THOUGHT WE HAD, but then I remembered that that wasn't real; the good side of him wasn't real! Just to reel me in. Then I realised that I don't know what I saw in him; it was all the deem he 'sold me' and all them lies that I believed for a while that made him attractive to me. Not him. I didn't find him attractive and I could now see the underlying aggression on his face! I remember when I first met him, he totally wasn't my type and perhaps that was one of the reasons why I went for him, and that he was super persistent and attentive. He was super keen and really wanted me, I was vulnerable and needy after my exN cheated on me and BPDX was a rebound relationship. I should have never got involved with him.
I don't see now why I stayed with him although 2.5 months after my divorce came through and I was feeling better and realised that he is an emotional abuser and what is going on, I started looking for a house. Things got worse after probably because he felt he was losing control over me...?
I just feel emotionally in a strange place and can't really put my finger on it to describe how I feel. Maybe like a failure outcast would be a good description.
I just went for decades on autopilot, not paying attention on bow something made me feel; just feeling the pain and getting on with things because I couldn't break down or didn't know what to do with my feelings or what they were even.
I decided to quit smoking, today was my 2nd day and I could have killed for a ciggie! Not fishing for sympathy but it's hard. But I know that I smoke because it reminds me of the rape when I was 13 and that I survived it. So when I smoke, that says to me subconsciously: you survived much worse and you are still here.
So whenever I go through a painful experience (relationship based experience) I smoke and it somehow reminds me that I have been through worse and survived it.
I'm having to re-home Jack, my dog, because I'm out of the house with work 10 hrs/day; he us old now and needs more care and attention than he used to and now I don't have a partner to share the duties with. I just want to do the best and right thing for him. Be a responsible dog owner. He does my head in that he wees inside but it's not his fault, he is just old. This whole thing is so difficult and I had him for 12 years. A re-homing charity I have been in touch with emailed today saying that they can take him soon. I just feel so sad but relieved at the same time. Does that make sense?
I just feel a bit all over the shop and not been sleeping well either; need to look after myself and go to bed on time...
Why am I feeling so all over the place? I don'undesand myself! :-(. I should be happy that I'm rid of that nobface BPDX!
But yesterday was my birthday and even thou it's better that he didn't, I was kinda -I don't know- hoping, or expecting, that he'll at least get in touch to say Happy Birthday. I mean, he could have for what I know, sent me an email but I barred him from all my email accounts and any email from him would go straight into the trash. I know it's better that I got no contact from him, but I do feel lonely. I don't miss him, I just miss the idea of him, what I used to hope he would be (but he never was, for more than a day or two; he just said things and made a million promises that he didn't keep, he was lying every day and was so nasty).
Today I decided to go through my Mac and get rid of all pictures of him. But something went wrong and even though I was deleting each picture manually, it deleted a lot of other pictures too (practically all my pictures) and I don't seem to be able to restore them! I feel really frustrated, and p'd off, spent hours on the damn thing. Why did he leave all pics of him on the Mac??
The weird thing is that looking at him on the pics made me feel such a mixture of emotions. First if all, no love. When I saw some of his happy pics, I felt a pang of grief for losing WHAT I THOUGHT WE HAD, but then I remembered that that wasn't real; the good side of him wasn't real! Just to reel me in. Then I realised that I don't know what I saw in him; it was all the deem he 'sold me' and all them lies that I believed for a while that made him attractive to me. Not him. I didn't find him attractive and I could now see the underlying aggression on his face! I remember when I first met him, he totally wasn't my type and perhaps that was one of the reasons why I went for him, and that he was super persistent and attentive. He was super keen and really wanted me, I was vulnerable and needy after my exN cheated on me and BPDX was a rebound relationship. I should have never got involved with him.
I don't see now why I stayed with him although 2.5 months after my divorce came through and I was feeling better and realised that he is an emotional abuser and what is going on, I started looking for a house. Things got worse after probably because he felt he was losing control over me...?
I just feel emotionally in a strange place and can't really put my finger on it to describe how I feel. Maybe like a failure outcast would be a good description.
I just went for decades on autopilot, not paying attention on bow something made me feel; just feeling the pain and getting on with things because I couldn't break down or didn't know what to do with my feelings or what they were even.
I decided to quit smoking, today was my 2nd day and I could have killed for a ciggie! Not fishing for sympathy but it's hard. But I know that I smoke because it reminds me of the rape when I was 13 and that I survived it. So when I smoke, that says to me subconsciously: you survived much worse and you are still here.
So whenever I go through a painful experience (relationship based experience) I smoke and it somehow reminds me that I have been through worse and survived it.
I'm having to re-home Jack, my dog, because I'm out of the house with work 10 hrs/day; he us old now and needs more care and attention than he used to and now I don't have a partner to share the duties with. I just want to do the best and right thing for him. Be a responsible dog owner. He does my head in that he wees inside but it's not his fault, he is just old. This whole thing is so difficult and I had him for 12 years. A re-homing charity I have been in touch with emailed today saying that they can take him soon. I just feel so sad but relieved at the same time. Does that make sense?
I just feel a bit all over the shop and not been sleeping well either; need to look after myself and go to bed on time...
Why am I feeling so all over the place? I don'undesand myself! :-(. I should be happy that I'm rid of that nobface BPDX!
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