loving hate
how can someone who loves me so much hate me so much? how can he say such cruel things to me and expect me to pretend nothing is wrong?
we went on vacation, primitive camping, and it was wonderful and peaceful out there AND between us (most of the time), and now we come back to our tiny apartment in the noisy city that holds all the energy of the last episode and i just wonder... how is he so sweet and loving toward me when a week ago he told me to go to hell and meant it?
i just can't put up with this anymore. i love him, and i am going to be with him, but i am so tired of his problems being my fault. and i will not let him blame me anymore. or, rather, i will not let myself believe it when i know it isn't true. and i will call him on his shit.
this is a part of the ride, though, isn't it. so when it is tender and good i should just enjoy it, so i can have something to remember when it gets dark and ugly... take it as it comes. every day i ask myself if i am strong enough for this. and then that day ends and a new one begins and i ask myself the same thing. can i do this? so far the answer is still yes but always always i am afraid that one day it will be no.
it hurts so much when he tells me to leave him alone, not to call him. it hurts so much when he tells me my love for him is just my sickness, unhealthy codependence, not real love. it hurts when his face changes, when he scares me enough to get my adrenaline pumping. he needs to learn to control his behavior. i don't want the no to come.
we went on vacation, primitive camping, and it was wonderful and peaceful out there AND between us (most of the time), and now we come back to our tiny apartment in the noisy city that holds all the energy of the last episode and i just wonder... how is he so sweet and loving toward me when a week ago he told me to go to hell and meant it?
i just can't put up with this anymore. i love him, and i am going to be with him, but i am so tired of his problems being my fault. and i will not let him blame me anymore. or, rather, i will not let myself believe it when i know it isn't true. and i will call him on his shit.
this is a part of the ride, though, isn't it. so when it is tender and good i should just enjoy it, so i can have something to remember when it gets dark and ugly... take it as it comes. every day i ask myself if i am strong enough for this. and then that day ends and a new one begins and i ask myself the same thing. can i do this? so far the answer is still yes but always always i am afraid that one day it will be no.
it hurts so much when he tells me to leave him alone, not to call him. it hurts so much when he tells me my love for him is just my sickness, unhealthy codependence, not real love. it hurts when his face changes, when he scares me enough to get my adrenaline pumping. he needs to learn to control his behavior. i don't want the no to come.
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