Lost on a Friday
I am tired. I ache all over. I feel very lost with everything that is happening and I am sad. Why am I always this way? Can't ever just be normal? I know..I'm not and never will be again...it is just so exhausting. Last Sat we had the on and off all day talk(and cry). He wants to work it out....says he will cut down drinking..not stop but cut down...and he has slept in the bed every night this week. He has been very sweet to me all week...not snapping at all. How long can it last? Tomorrow is the eldest's 15th birthday. She has asked to go up to the cabin and spend the weekend with her cousins. I have an essay due for class next week which means if I can't work on it today I will have to take it up there with me and try to work up there. It makes me not even feel like going. Going up there is supposed to be all about relaxing...there is no phone or internet service. It is usually my time to read or knit. Now I have this assignment I have to work on. Weds night after class when my teacher told me make sure my essay is not boring...and I learned we were going to the cabin I had myself so twisted up about it that I had an anxiety attack that woke me at 11:30 and I had to get up and take an extra dose so I could get some sleep. I am so lost and have no idea what is the right thing to do. I do love him. He is REALLY trying. So why am I so down? One of my friends says it is because I don't expect it to last ...but I am not so sure that is it. I think if it does last I will feel trapped here. WHY? I am my own worst enemy and I think I just make myself miserable and am not capable of happiness.
Replies
Dear Freaky one,
I think you feel this way because your in a state of grief. Your witnessing the death of a relationship that you had once believed in very strongly. The fact that you are thinking \"how long will this last\" tells me so. Don\'t laugh as I mourned my mariage long after I ended it. I still miss being married but not the woman I was married to! Allow yourself to grieve but force yourself to make the plans needed to ensure your survival and eventual happiness. Eric
I think the anxiety may be \'growing pains\'. You are achieving so much but up close you are perhaps not able to see or appreciate all you have achieved. Past trauma, that goes unresolved, may trigger anxiety by current circumstances. Has something happened in your past to make your anxiety trigger by the events of life recently? You may be stressing from issues that have not yet been resolved from past events?
He does love you and you love him and with the way this messed up world of ours is and tries so hard to jack us around -- I think it would be good for you to stay with the relationship and invest into it, commit to doing this for one year and see at the end of that one year where you are at mentally and emotionally, where you may then assess the situation again at that time and decide where to go from there. Doing this will FREE you up to simply focus on making the best of life and the relationship. If in one year it is improved you will know then what to do and if it has not improved you will then know better what to do. Just focus now on school and making the most of life. Twelve months is not a very long time at all to simply let go of the stress and focus on life to see where it takes you? Perhaps it may even be a time of healing and renewal you never expected to happen.
Gentle ((hugs))
:-) Patricia