Losing sense of myself

I'm not sure if I'm still me...or who I am anymore. I know I'm slipping into a depression caused by my being bipolar, and I know I struggle with mild manic episodes, but I feel like in the midst of everything I'm losing my sense of me. I used to know exactly who I was, what I wanted, I had morals and values, I stuck to who I was and I didn't let anything or anyone change or break me, I fear that is changing. I'm finding myself doing things I would have never dreamt I'd do, things that past me would laugh at if I said this is who I would become, things I would have told my best friend to hit me if I ever did... Am I still me? Am I evolving into something I've always hated. Do I now hate myself, or do I hate this disorder? Do I hate those who have messed me up and caused me pain, those who have caused me to spiral out of control, or do I hate myself for losing control. I don't feel hate, I don't like hatred, I feel empty. I'm almost 22, went to the bar (as I frequently do and just dance, no drinking) and while my friend went off to chat with someone she recognized, I stood alone, a guy approached me, Dwayne, he seemed nice so we chatted momentarily until she came back and he left, throughout the night he kept looking for me and making eye contact, he made me feel like the only girl in the bar, so we exchanged numbers after dancing and have been talking since. I knew he was older, it's not hard to tell, but I wasn't expecting him to say he's 47. I'm currently wearing Daniel's sweater, I was wearing a different one while at his house and joked that it was now mine, so he gave me this one instead. I wear it constantly. I don't know what is wrong with me... I have an emotional and sexual bond with him, yet we're both in love with other people and do not want to date, he's in love with Nicole and I'm in love with Jessyka. Meanwhile I'm still texting with Alex and he and I are discussing meeting up and essentially sleeping together. I've never been this girl. It's very strange for me and in the moment I don't think twice, but afterwards I look at what I'm doing and who I've become and I don't like it. I'm not this person. I'm still in love with Adam. I've been thinking about him recently and it kills me. Maybe because he's a connection to the old me, the me that I liked, the me that was me. Not this person that I've become. Maybe I just miss him. I feel torn, torn in multiple directions and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I try to get my life back on track, back to the person I used to be, and then I find myself doing things that I shouldn't be doing, thinking things I shouldn't be thinking. My heart hurts and I want to drink. I find myself seeing people on tv drinking, and wishing I could be like them. Just have a drink, crack one open after a long day and relax. I used to do that....after Adam and I broke up...only it wasn't cracking one open, it was pouring a very very strong drink, vodka and whatever juice I could find. I got drunk regularly. I stopped drinking. And then I started again, one night, I was going to have one drink...and then he walked in...and one turned into......countless.....countless drinks, shots...blackout drunk and dragged out of the bar. What am I even writing about, I usually have some sort of structure... Today was just a free write, everything that came into my brain went into writing. I was writing about Adam and trying to remember who I wanted to talk about afterwards, I couldn't remember, but as I was getting ready to stop, I remembered, Jason. I like Jason. It may be a terrible idea, I really don't know, but I like him. He's completely my type, at least, old me's type, is that what I should be going for? He seems to like me but he's difficult to read. We play harvest moon together and he flirts with me, but I'm not sure if it would go anywhere. Maybe he's concerned about dion, or the distance between our houses? Does he see me as one of the guys and nothing more? Should I try to pursue him or should I give up? Should I let whatever happen just happen, or should I encourage or discourage it. I don't know what to do. My heart hurts and I want to drink.