longgggg.....need to get this out.....i have no one to go to

This week has been hard...ED wise.
Monday in therapy half way through she asked me if it was weird for me to think that my feelings/emotions/thoughts are important. After that question I completely shut down. My mind stopped thinking. I became numb. I couldn't remember anythign we were talking about. It was odd. So she asked me to come back on Tuesday.
Tuesday morning I saw my dietitian. Weight went down 2pounds in 1 1/2 weeks after staying the same for a month. My reactions- nothing. Didn't have any excitement nor any sadness or nervousness. Nothing. Didn't phase me. Which is scary. I mean it's a good thing I wasn't jumping up and down, but at the same time it didn't bother me that I lost weight. Got in a fight with Carlos regarding this. He went on and on and called me dumb. That I was stupid, etc. It was a good thing Joanna asked me to come back in. I saw her literally an hour after Carlos yelled at me. I was still in shock and shakingfrom everything. 
Seeing Joanna wasn't fun. Basically she said we need a plan on how to handle this situation. That if I were to lose weight I would end up having to go into a hospital again prior to the wedding, or the move. Also that since I have three really big stressors that typical set people with eating disorders back, we need to be extra cautious. Big stressors of new job, moving, and wedding. 
Bottomline, I said that I have no choice and I can not go into the hospital now or before the wedding, but I also can not walk downt he aisle half dead. I was crying at this time. I have been a wreck since tuesday. I also feel as though I have no support right now besides my treatment team. Carlos' support is gone- he just wants me to gain weight. I can't go to him about difficulties or anything. He doesn't want to hear it anyhmore. He just wants to know when I will be better and doen wth all this shit. My deititian told me to think about having him come into a session, i asked him and he said no. He doesn't have any problems and doesn't need to go in. I don't have support from my mother. She just wants me to gain weight. And by me having lost weight, she's going to say that I am ruinging everything for her. Carlos already doesn't believe that i care about him or our relationship because i'm not better. But I do. He doesn't get it. The only people that get anything seems to be my team :( I was like screaming in tears with Joanna about this because I do care and love him so much and he just doesn't get it. No one gets it. 
So i feel like i have to do it myself. I'm on my own and just need to figure out how to not lose weight and if possible gain some. Joanna says this is not a very strong plan and puts me at a high risk for going into a bad place. But I don't know what else to do! Any ideas are more than welcome. Meals with Carlos or my mother are more stressful and having them nag me constantly makes things worse. I just don't know what to do. 
we also talked yesterday about the fact that I should let everyone know of the potential that things could go down hill but that we are working on preventing that. But give them the heads up of where I currently stand and the worse that could happen. She said it makes sense to be up front now, verses shit hitting the fan in let's say June and my mother really killing me then. And hopefully nothing will go bad. Of course I don't want to say anything- i just want to change it myself and not have to bring anything up. The only good news is that my mother goes to Florida next week so if she finds out she will be down there and not right next to me...aka she can't really kill me.  Joanna told me to tell them that it's a proven fact that people with eating disorders tend to go to old ways even if they dont mean to. 
Right now I am not trying to restrict- not by any means. I am still eating well. Yesterday and today i have added a supplement. Trust me, I do not want to do this by any means and i sure as fuck do not want to gain weight. but i dont want to end up in the fucking hospital.
things are so hard right now- i dont have anyone to go to. Yes there is my dad, but he isn't at home. He is on a temporary assignment out of town for the next few weeks. He plans on coming home on weekends. I suggested to joanna that talking to my father might make more sense and she agreed. but i dont even know what to say to him. or how to bring things up. she said everything so well in session but i just dont know how to say it to him. 
yes i wrote joanna an email last night....i haven't done that in over a month...i just didnt know what to do with myself- i was such a mess. here is what i wrote.
Joanna,
I am sorry for sending this, I just have to get it out. Just writing it did not work. I feel so out of whack and out of control with my emotions and my mind. I kept my sadness and tears inside while I was with you today but when walking out the door I started crying.
How can I tell my dad? I definitely cannot talk to my mother or Carlos about this. I’ll just get criticized and questioned so there is no point in trying. But how do I tell dad? I can’t get myself together to put my thoughts in order. The thoughts are running wild in my head. Everything from the past two days is running through my head. I just wish you could tell him everything going on. I have no idea what to say even though you basically laid it all out in front of me.
When I left the last thing I wanted to do was go home. I did not want to go home and be alone with my thoughts. But at the same time I did not to be with anyone. I wish I could of just stayed in your office. I would have been satisfied if I just sat in a corner. It’s comforting. I feel like you are the only person that understands and gets me, mostly. No one else does. I also feel like you have more convincing power than me to everyone. I just want you to talk to them. I don’t want them to come in to a session because I know I will just shut down like I have before. I just wish you could call my dad and talk to him. I don’t feel like I can. I feel like I am just going to disappoint him.
Ahh, all of this is going through my head nonstop. I can’t control it. Now I feel so huge. I do not want to do anything because I have eaten so much. I feel like I am going to explode. Maybe I can’t do this on my own. Maybe I do need support, but I still don’t know what that will do or how that will help. I have to do this though, I have no choice. My mind is still blank when I try to think of what to do to prevent things from getting bad. I don’t feel like trying to eat with Carlos or my mother will help, now with Carlos knowing he is just going to question everything and so would my mother. I have been trying new recipes and been eating them, so that is a positive thing that can help, granted I continue. Otherwise just tell myself I don’t have an option?. I don’t know and today when you said that it’s a problem that I don’t know because that kind of gives me a higher chance of getting to a bad place. And I don’t want that to happen, but I don’t have any ideas. So I’m frustrated that I have such a blank mind with this right now. I need ideas so that I don’t get to a bad place. Ahhhh
I just don’t know what to do. I don't know what to do. I am just crying. Why did I have to lose weight? If I hadn't things would be just fine right now. But no.
I have tried to take my mind off of things. Off of how I feel. Off of focusing on how to tell my dad and what to say. Off of it all. But nothing is working. Maybe I'm not doing the right things? I've done chores around the house- my mind still goes back. Engrossed myself with penny and the ferrets- my mind goes back and I end up crying with them. Made a new recipe and had dinner- didn’t work. Tried writing down what I could say to my dad, but ended up just getting more frustrated.
I just don't know what to say. And I'm scared of what I'm going to do the next 4 days. I have way too much time to myself. I have tried planning things and doing things- but I still have so much time and I'm scared of that. I was hoping to talk about that this week, but clearly the current issue at hand took precedent over that. I don't know what to do.
I'm scared of what might happen to me. What my mother's reaction will be? I feel like there is going to be a lot of blame on me and a lot of negativity. No one feels bad or sorry for me anymore- they all feel that I bring it upon myself, which I understand. I don’t want them to feel bad or sorry for me, but I also don’t want to be told to just eat. To be said to just stop it and that I should be over this all by now, etc. But just as we were talking last week I have come a long way and things have been going so well, so clearly I am fucking trying. No one can say that I am not. But if someone were to ask me how I am trying I know I will just draw a blank and no one will believe that what I have accomplished or improved upon is anything of importance. I don't feel like anyone is going to believe me no matter what I say. They just care about results. Hence why I don't want to say anything to anyone. I just want to fix it on my own. I do feel alone. It feels like it is me against the world. I feel that you are the only person that gets it all. 
I just want to disappear. Runaway. Do something. I don’t know what but I can’t just sit here with all this crap inside of me. I need to get it out. I want to just run. I don’t even know why I’m crying anymore but I am and I can’t get myself to stop. 
I feel so confused
Steff
..............here is what i started writing to my dad......i dont like it at all though....joanna said everything so much better.....
Daddy, I need to talk to you. I want to tell you where I am now and what's going on. I am oaky right now, but with all these big changes going on people with eating disorders tend to revert to old behaviors in stressful times. A lot of things are stressing me out but I am not restricting or using past behaviors, but despite that I have lost weight. Joanna and I are focused on trying to stop it and prevent me from going anywhere I have been in the past. I just can not have that happen. Its not an option. While all these new things are wonderful they are stressful and huge changes for me. Basically the same situation where ibwas when I stared seeing Joanna two years ago. And I don't want to go to a bad place. I am terrified. But Joanna told me I should talk to u and give u yhr facts now verses potentially having something go bad and it being a shock. I am in a much much better spot than I face been in the past two years. I am handling all the change. Mom. Wedding stuff. Carlos much better. I am doing everything I can. I don't wnt to ask for help but Joanna says I will need extra support. And you have been so supportive. You are always there and always listen. I need this from everyone.  Support not criticism. Not rude comments. Not saying just eat. Eat more and gain weight. Not stop wing stupid. Do you want to look like death down the aisle. None of that crap. 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Well you\'re not kidding when you say long are you. Sounds like you are in a numb phase which is bad and if you don\'t snap out of it you will be in IP soon.
Now Carlos clearly needs to work on his vocabulary. Nobody should call you stupid but especially not your husband. If you don\'t want to go IP before your wedding and put your job in danger the only solutions is to at least gain that weight back and stay at. It can easily be done with supplements if you don\'t have an appetite. You know the more I read about Carlos the more I ask myself why the hell you want to marry this guy. He is showing you right now that he won\'t be there in the \"bad times\".
Ok, your e-mail is nothing new and I think you wrote it in hope that Joanna would say yes to telling your dad and giving you the easy way out. I hope to god she doesn\'t do that. You are an adult and need to stand up for yourself.
The letter to your dad is a lot of dancing around. Why not just write: Hey dad, all those new things are stressful for me and I\'ve had a setback. I\'m trying my best to get back where I was but there is the possibility of IP and the wedding being delayed. That\'s why I need everyone\'s support and physical right now more than ever.
tuxedomck
tuxedomck

Because I love him Karin. I love him and he loves me. He just doesn\'t get everything that is going on and he doesn\'t know how to be supportive. And I don\'t know what support I need and/or want. I want to just do it on my own. I don\'t even know how to ask my dad for support. Everyone just asks how or what....and I don\'t know how to answer. I don\'t know. I don\'t have those answers.
ann54
ann54

p. ed is not good. with this feeling i think IP will happen. you do have a lot of stressors right now, but it is more important to not let these things get to you, regarding food, and face the fact that you need to eat more regardless of feeling hungry or not, and i am not saying this is easy. i live alone and i have to manage to eayou are definetly in a bad place, feeling numb to everything, eat and more right now with no support, so you can too. i have found that writing down each day what i eat and if i ate all i am supposed to has been an eye opener for me and my dr. i cant get out of any reason i didnt eat, its right there. steph, you really cant expect joanne to do everything for you, it is your life and your dependency on her, i think, is way to m uch. in order for you to get better you have to do it, no one elese. as far as carlos goes, i understand you love him, but you need to look at the whole picture. it is a poor excuse to say he doesnt get it, this shows a side of him that is a red flag. you need someone who will be there in all of life situations and trageties, not just give up. this will sound mean, but are you staying with him and marrying him out of fear of being alone? now dad: dad has always been supportive and a shoulder to cry, talk too. do not kid yourself he is blind to how you are. i believe you need to just get to the point, say where you are at right now, with ed and the stressors and ask for support. i am sure he will be there fr you. many hugsss