Loneliness. Wrecking Emotion

Loneliness. A powerful word. A wrecking emotion. Living in a fast-paced life recently, I hadn't had the time to pause and give myself the chance to know whether I have overcome that monstrous feeling. Constantly busy with two, three or even four activities. Always juggling friends, family, work & work travels and studying, I thought that it was gone. But I realized that it was merely suppressed.

Saturday was a tough night for me, and has been a battle since. It was the first day in over five months, which I spent alone in Jordan. Doing nothing. My parents were traveling, no work, my boyfriend is out of town on a project and my best friend once again chose to other plans over seeing me for a night before I leave for three weeks. (Her chosing other plans over me has been a reoccurring thing which is making me feel like I'm losing her and I can't lose her. I can't handle losing her).

Anyway that night I was alone, sometimes that's a great thing, but on Saturday I felt that loneliness. The same loneliness I felt two years ago. While things are drastically different, I am beginning to feel a similar pain again. Different in some ways. But aching. A void. A missing piece. Why? I have a boyfriend that worships me, a family that cares for me and a best friend -who may dip on me sometimes but is always there when it really matters-. So I have people there for me. Not always to physically surround me, but always to mentally and emotionally be there for me. Which is the opposite of what I had previously. I know quite well how lonely a person can be even when surrounded by a hundred people. I've been there. Regardless of what I have today, the minute I pause, the minute I am alone with nothing to do, I spiral out of control. I begin to stuff myself with more than what my body can handle and then purge. One crappy food after the other. On Saturday it was McDonald's. A large meal, a side order, a strawberry custard pie for dessert, but of course couldn't leave my secret stash of chocolate, chips and huge amounts of sodas out of the picture. I couldn't keep it down cause my stomach cannot handle half the amount of intake. But that didn't stop me. I ate to fill a void. I three it all up, but the void is still there... What's worse is I didn't stop there.

After purging, I went back and continued to eat some more. Finished my meal and finished the 2nd half of the family sized bag of chips. Convinced myself it was making up for what I let go. I felt disgusted with myself. I cried. I felt pain that I don't even know how to categorize otherwise. After that night, I realized I need to get my shit together again, I can't do that anymore. I cant resort to overeating and purging. I know it's not the solution. It doesn't even satify me anymore. On the contrary, I'm now disguated by myself for doing it. I still feel that loneliness.

Working abroad I spend nights alone in my hotel, it hasn't been a problem before, but this week it's been difficult. All kinds of cravings are arising. Drugs, self-harm, negative thoughts... All there as soon as I'm alone. I'm fighting so hard. I want to do this. Prove I can do this, to myself mainly. To prove that I've grown. To know that I can truely handle pain and I can handle curve balls without self destructing.

I suddenly feel like I made the wrong decision quitting therapy. I mean my closest friend choses others over me lately, my little sister who I'm close with is moving to the UK, I'm close to getting engaged and I'm freaked out as fuck. Im feeling lonely as fuck. Was it really the best idea to quit my only real support system now? The only person I am actually honest with? Do I really want to let go of another person that means so much to me? I wonder sometimes, what if all of these emotions are an after effect of letting go, of terminating therapy? The thing is with so much activity in my life, there's so much happening, so much that I react to or don't know how to react to and a lot of the time I just want to share that stuff, but no longer have that someone to share it with...