Little by Little

Yesterday I went to a big warehouse where they sell Japanese second hand materials.  Stuff that couldn't get sold second hand in Japan is shipped over to Thailand and you can buy stuff by the kilogram.  This is one of the main sources of material for my creations for my business.  Today I am going to wash everything (which is quite the task because there are practically no dryers in town so I have to hang dry everything).  

I'm so excited about this course my friend has created.  It's a little bit hard to explain, but basically provides accountability structures and business coaching.  I know there is a lot of competition out there, in general, to sell handicrafts, and I'm not the best seamstress.  However, I know what I have is a unique and viable product because I have sold them before.  So, when I sold my purses in the states, that was like my sample survey--do people want this?  Will they pay money for it?  The answer is yes.  Luckily, before I was an idiot and went on those binges, I bought a really nice sewing machine so I can do the piecework for my creations (I will dole out the more simplistic tasks such as strap making/zipper sewing to tailors here).  Where I bought the sewing machine they said they provide free sewing lessons too.  So all of this is really awesome.  I just want to make a friend or two who also is creating things like this, so we can hang out together and sew/create.  

After I am done this journal I am going to write down where I envision myself in a year form now, it is today's task required of this location-independent course I am taking.  I am also going to create a master list of all the tasks I need to complete to get my business going, and allot myself three tasks a day.  

I found out my ex that I was with for 2 years before I came to Thailand is on the streets smoking crack again.  He is a bag of worms, if there ever was one.  I really loved him though.  He's this tall, built black guy who was in prision for 7 years and then became a devout Muslim.  he was a dishwasher at the first restaurant I worked at after getting off the streets (I worked in the kitchen) and he pursued me like no other.  He is actually extremely eloquent and really, really good at drawing.  There is a side of him that is very hippie and awesome, and after I gave in to his pursuits we really did get along in a lot of ways and I really opened him up.  He was 43 I think, but didn't look it, and was so built LOL like a warrior.  He liked to watch anime, and one of my favorite things to do with him was look at art.  I really loved that about him, his appreciation for art.   He said I was the first girl he ever had been with that had been cutsey with him.  I would call him "doggie" and he would act like a dog, LOL.  I am always silly like that with my boyfriends, I like to feel childlike and comfortable and goofy.  Anyway, he fucked me off in more ways than one, always coming back to the fact that he had a fucked life so that's the way he was.   And he did, no denying that.  But what can I do?  I was already bending over backwards and I feel like he shit on my soul.  In the past year since I left he has been with many women, idolizing them on facebook and instagram and then ending it all the same........his M.O. is clear.  And he would beg me to come back to him.  HAHAH WHAT? FUCK NO, being with him was like torture, he really manipulated me and my emotions. And in prision he had become super Muslim, and went in and out of being  supppperrrr crazy about it.   When we were together we smoked crack together and it was so depressing adn terrble and i blew thousands on it.  It's disgusting.  I blocked him last month because he posted something on instagram about "That face you make when you slide into Direct Messages with her but realizes she knows your girlfriend".   He had always lied to me, and theres a couple scenerios I could explain but I won't.  I got so angry that he had learned nothing from our relationship and took lying so lightly.  I told him so, and also i know that his whole Muslim craziness is a crutch.  He has nothing to hold on to.  It's the case with most devout religious people.  He got brainwashed in prison.  Anyway, I feel sad for this.  A lot has to do with money and upbringing.  Whenever I would bring him to my family's houses (just nice suburban houses, not mansions) he would take pictures and be in awe.  He lived in the ghetto next to the suburbia where I grew up.  Shit is real. 

A lot to say, I coudl go on, but what do I want to focus on?  Today I am going to write my journal about my future self.  Then I am going to write myself three tasks--most likely, to wash all my fabric, list article/vlog ideas, and also write out a timeline of my business plan.  Also goign to go the police station to check if my bike turned up (I know it didn't), and also go to the organic shop to get tea, I never got around to it yesterday.  I got a really cute little tea cup at the Japanese second hand store yesterday to go with my Japanese style tea pot (the kind with a funky handle that you just grab, it looks like the end of a trumpet).  

Of course I am not going to drink today.  In February I will re-evaluate if I need a day or two to drink, but I have a really good feeling I won't want to.  I'm actually putting my mind to something.  I put my mind to shit before.  I went to Columbia University on a scholarship, and back in the day I worked my ass off to get those SAT scores, be part of extracirriculars, and take college level classes in highschool.  Then I interned for the drug-policy non-profit--I created that opportunity--I was their first intern.  I am ready to take this challenge on, ready to be back to my old self where I made shit happen like that.  It may take time, but I have years ahead of me, and by eating all this delicious healthy food, exercising, meditating, and thinking positively I know I am just getting better with age.....kind of like wine!!! HAHAHAHA.  ok not funny.  what else gets better with age?  A lot of things, I know.

Ok, another cup of coffee, then journaling about my future, then master list, then three tasks, then yoga, then drop my stuff off at laundry, then police station/organic shop, then back home to sew.  Then I teach later.  :)  First, more coffee (with coconut milk--I highly recommend!)