Lifeless haze...zombie like...

I've never before felt this way....not to this extent... I feel like the walking dead, quite literally.... I feel like a lifeless entity just moving through life but not actually living. I want to cry all the time, I want to scream, I want to drink, I want to take pills...I want to numb it all away. No one understands what it's like... I'm an alchoholic with alcohol in the fridge, I struggle not to abuse prescription pain killers, and I have a huge bottle of codeine pain killers. I want to make it stop. I don't want to die, I just want to stop feeling. I want to stop crying. I want to stop being afraid. I want to be able to go to my favourite place and not be afraid of seeing him...,my rapist... He ruined my favourite place. He's a bouncer/security at a bar that I love going to, I dance and I hang out with friends, and now I can't go there because he'll be there and I'm not sure I can handle seeing him again. Fortunately I know if I do go I can avoid him, I know where the security posts are and where he generally is, so I can avoid him completely if I position myself properly (the benefits of being a regular) but I'm still afraid of him trying to contact me.... 
The thing I haven't told anyone.....the thing I hate the most.... We were watching a movie together, and then he started and wouldn't stop... and after he finally finished we jumped the movie backwards and continued to watch it...after he had just raped me....and then after the movie before I left he wanted to go again...and he once again forced himself onto me and I didn't even try to fight him off...I just wanted to get out and if that meant enduring it again.... He raped me twice. And no one knows. All anyone knows is it happened once. I can't bare tell anyone I let it happen a second time...it's too humiliating...too powerless...