Life really doesn't go on for all of us

I lost my husband, best friend and lover 10 years ago to a massive heart attack.  In all these years that have passed I have not been able to fill the hole left in my heart by his passing.  I still feel like half a person most days and struggle constantly with depression.  I'm the one who puts on the happy face when deep inside my heart is hurting and tears form behind my eyes.  As I sit here at work, I'm am paralyzed by anxiety.  I am worried about losing my job as I just can't seem to concentrate to tasks.  I spend my weekends lying in bed sleeping so as not to feel the pain.  My house is one big mess and I just don't care.  I watch everyone around me living their lives with their loved ones and I can only dream of the plans Gene and I had when we got older.  I don't enjoy this life, I'm just passing through now.  So for all those out there that say "It gets better", unless you've been there you have no idea.