LIFE LIKE A BAD DREAM

SOME TIMES I FEEL I SHOULD NOT WRITE IN HERE BECAUSE NOT MUCH CHANGES IN MY LIFE, I DO WRIT IN A JOURNAL HERE AT HOME EVERY NIGHT ,I KEEP TRACK OF MY GOOD AND BAD DAYS AND HOW I AM FEELING ND PAIN LEVEL. IT DOES HELP TO LOOK BACK. BUT I AM ALL WAYS SAD AND LONELY AND IN PAIN AND PUTTING ON THAT HAPPY FACE, BUT OF COURSE THE WORSE THING I GO THROUGH IS MISSING MY DENISE, I TRIED FOR TO DAYS TO BE POSITIVE AND SMILE MORE ,AND OF COURSE I AM ALL WAYS LOOKING FOR SOME ONE WHO NEEDS SUPPORT BECAUSE I KNOW HOW MUCH I NEED IT, AND HOW MUCH IT HELPS TO HELP OTHERS. SO BACK TO MY 2 DAYS, I GOT THROUGH AND THE 3RD DAY I AM WATCHING SOMETHING FUNNY ON THE TV,AND I AM LAUGHING AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I AM ON THE FLOOR CRYING MY EYES OUT,WHAT HIT ME OUT OF NO WHERE WAS I NEVER HEAR MY DAUGHTERS LAUGH AGAIN, I GOT UP OFF THE FLOOR AND WENT OUT SIDE TO SIT DOWN HOPING IT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL BETTER AND THE SUN WAS OUT AND THE AIR BLOWING ON MY FACE AND ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT IS MY DAUGHTER WILL NEVER SEE THE SUN OR FEEL THE BREEZE, OR WILL I EVER SEE HER FACE AGAIN AND HER THAT WONDERFUL LAUGH SHE HAD, I TRY TO SEE HER FACE IN MY MIND AND NOW ITS SO HARD IT USED TO BE SO EASY, I STARTED TO PRAY AGAIN WHY JESUS WHY, I TALKED WITH HIM ASKING HIM HOW WAS IT YOU BROUGHT LAZARUS BACK BECAUSE YOU MISSED HIM YOUR FRIEND SO BAD,I PRAY ALL THE TIME THAT I MAY GET SOME PEACE OVER THIS , BUT MY HEART HAS BEEN HEAVY FOR 8 LONG YEARS, AND I FEAR I WILL FEEL LIKE THIS TILL THE DAY I DIE, I KNOW SOME THAT GET THROUGH ALL THIS BETTER THEN OTHERS WERE ALL DIFFERENT, AND MAYBE ITS BECAUSE I HAVE KNOW SUPPORT HERE, EVEN MY SON HAS WALKED OUT OF MY LIFE NOW FOR OVER A YEAR, I HAVE SO MUCH GUILT BUT YOU CAN NOT GET OVER SOME THING YOU CAN NOT CHANGE NOW IT TO LATE. I FEEL SO STUCK IN THIS LIFE LIKE A BAD DREAM AND I NEVER WAKE UP FROM THIS, ,THIS IS JUST MY REALITY.