Lie, lie, lie

Have been hiding the fact that I am a compulsive liar for almost two decades. It has been horrific, the lies were for no reason, I even made up stories with people and made it so factual that my best friend and my girlfriend believed me, even when they knew in the back of their mind that it was a lie. I feel so horrible and my mind is spinning from all the lies I have told to all sorts of people. They caught me in a few lies and I finally fessed up to them. My relationship with them is contengent upon whether I stop lying and get therapy and help. I have been trying to get a hold of my therapist because not even she knows and I can't get a hold of her so I'm just saying to myself over and over that I am a liar and I have to prove myself. I am a liar and I have to prove to myself and to my family that I want to get better. I was raised Christian and it started when I was 14. I can't even tell you the thousands of lies I told to my friends and family, and most of them called me out on it, but I had no idea how much I was lying until I would either get caught, fess up or see it because it ate me alive for half of my life. This is a lot of ranting and raving. I have no idea what I am going to do now, the love of my life partner is still here giving me a chance dependent upon me changing my ways. I feel so bad for what I have done to her and have nothing right now but fatigue and regret. Have so much more to type but I have to work. Until later