less crying, more whining. lots of confusion still.
it's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright.
it doesn't feel alright. it's a crash, a crummy 'ol flare. a zippity do dah day stealer. even the sun is hiding today.
bed helped me sleep but i woke up too cold. put a soft throw on top of the chair and pulled another one on top of me ..... sat there waiting for the shivers to subside. the kitties joined me, petted them both......Rio slept on my lap and Annie kept guard on the leg rest, snuggled close.
they are great human watchers! so sweet. finally pushed my bones into the vertical position and went to make food. had some sweet onion chopped up so i sauteed them, turned the G foreman grill on......made a half portion of jasmine rice, added one cup frozen green beans.
while i waited on the grill i took odd old stuff out of the frig and gave it the good bye ceremony. i put it all in one baggy, thank it for it's service and bid it adieu.
while i'm cooking i get hot, then hotter and hotter.......the underside of my hair is steamy........i am shaking.......unsteady. tell myself keep going miss thing keep going. cut the chicken breasts into 4 pieces and on the grill they go. set the timer......stir the rice & green beans, add the onion to the pot and stir a little more.
tell myself i can do it, i CAN do It. think that if i eat i will settle down........stop shaking, not feel so strung out.
i eat a few bites of the rice dish and a few bites of chicken and wait. so far so good. eat a little more. still doing alright. i get another piece of chicken and find it is good and i am gradually feeling better. takes me longer to eat these days, but i am eating.........so good and good.
i keep asking myself what is wrong with me........a crash is hard to explain. see ya never feel all that great but a crash slam dunks you through a strainer and you feel like you've been scraped up by a country crew of road kill gatherers.....it's weird, it's odd, familiar but somehow you never really get used to how sick sick is...........it feels like an alien virus has invaded my body.
i know that sounds off.....a little too fantastic to take as fact........but i find that so many people don't get what we have .......they've never experienced anything like it.........and i don't mean to make it sound like we hold all the cards when it comes to suffering. many many people suffer for all kinds of reasons and ways and illnesses.
i dread this.......i don't like it, i don't want it. i am grateful that God nudges me into the kitchen, that he nudges me to cook something. the pot pie last night wasn't a good decision, it tasted good at the time, but boxed food is just not my friend anymore. my body rejects it one way or another.
.......so enough enough enough about yourself already. no? ok, then GET IT OUT! feel like i am sitting inside myself. and myself is hidden in a hollow tree. and the hollow tree is inside a giant vacuum cleaner. and the vacuum cleaner is inside a whale in the deep of the ocean.
it is not anything like a fall afternoon hayride. or a family bbq .......it's an odd thing that makes you want to turtle up, in go the arms and legs, tuck in the head.......but deeper in lies the heart and the heart yearns for comfort. for a visit from loved ones. for someone to hold hands and pray with you.......for someone to make you a cuppa tea and read to you from a favorite book.
i have gotten to do a lot of things in the last couple of months......two or three months i think. not without challenges, but i got to get out more than i have in all the time i've been ill........got to do a lot of little things that brought smiles and pleasure and peace and joy.
now it is time to recapture the ability to rejoice in the hardest of times.........to see the details. on Sam's birthday i saw a hummingbird on the patio ......the first time i've ever seen a live hummingbird and it was g l o r i o u s
that is a good memory to hold onto. i am thinking of you, your challenges, the beauty you bring to this life.........together we can form a bond that will help steel us against the tough times.
not hot anymore, cold again.........is this Antarctica with the occasional blast from the Mojave? not shaking as much on the outside, definitely vibrating on the inside.
everybody wear black catsuits and bust my spirit clean outta here.........if anybody could ya'll could........!!!!
'ol shaky paws is gonna back away from the keyboard now. Lord watch over all of us and keep us in your sight both day and night.......in your name, Amen.
it doesn't feel alright. it's a crash, a crummy 'ol flare. a zippity do dah day stealer. even the sun is hiding today.
bed helped me sleep but i woke up too cold. put a soft throw on top of the chair and pulled another one on top of me ..... sat there waiting for the shivers to subside. the kitties joined me, petted them both......Rio slept on my lap and Annie kept guard on the leg rest, snuggled close.
they are great human watchers! so sweet. finally pushed my bones into the vertical position and went to make food. had some sweet onion chopped up so i sauteed them, turned the G foreman grill on......made a half portion of jasmine rice, added one cup frozen green beans.
while i waited on the grill i took odd old stuff out of the frig and gave it the good bye ceremony. i put it all in one baggy, thank it for it's service and bid it adieu.
while i'm cooking i get hot, then hotter and hotter.......the underside of my hair is steamy........i am shaking.......unsteady. tell myself keep going miss thing keep going. cut the chicken breasts into 4 pieces and on the grill they go. set the timer......stir the rice & green beans, add the onion to the pot and stir a little more.
tell myself i can do it, i CAN do It. think that if i eat i will settle down........stop shaking, not feel so strung out.
i eat a few bites of the rice dish and a few bites of chicken and wait. so far so good. eat a little more. still doing alright. i get another piece of chicken and find it is good and i am gradually feeling better. takes me longer to eat these days, but i am eating.........so good and good.
i keep asking myself what is wrong with me........a crash is hard to explain. see ya never feel all that great but a crash slam dunks you through a strainer and you feel like you've been scraped up by a country crew of road kill gatherers.....it's weird, it's odd, familiar but somehow you never really get used to how sick sick is...........it feels like an alien virus has invaded my body.
i know that sounds off.....a little too fantastic to take as fact........but i find that so many people don't get what we have .......they've never experienced anything like it.........and i don't mean to make it sound like we hold all the cards when it comes to suffering. many many people suffer for all kinds of reasons and ways and illnesses.
i dread this.......i don't like it, i don't want it. i am grateful that God nudges me into the kitchen, that he nudges me to cook something. the pot pie last night wasn't a good decision, it tasted good at the time, but boxed food is just not my friend anymore. my body rejects it one way or another.
.......so enough enough enough about yourself already. no? ok, then GET IT OUT! feel like i am sitting inside myself. and myself is hidden in a hollow tree. and the hollow tree is inside a giant vacuum cleaner. and the vacuum cleaner is inside a whale in the deep of the ocean.
it is not anything like a fall afternoon hayride. or a family bbq .......it's an odd thing that makes you want to turtle up, in go the arms and legs, tuck in the head.......but deeper in lies the heart and the heart yearns for comfort. for a visit from loved ones. for someone to hold hands and pray with you.......for someone to make you a cuppa tea and read to you from a favorite book.
i have gotten to do a lot of things in the last couple of months......two or three months i think. not without challenges, but i got to get out more than i have in all the time i've been ill........got to do a lot of little things that brought smiles and pleasure and peace and joy.
now it is time to recapture the ability to rejoice in the hardest of times.........to see the details. on Sam's birthday i saw a hummingbird on the patio ......the first time i've ever seen a live hummingbird and it was g l o r i o u s
that is a good memory to hold onto. i am thinking of you, your challenges, the beauty you bring to this life.........together we can form a bond that will help steel us against the tough times.
not hot anymore, cold again.........is this Antarctica with the occasional blast from the Mojave? not shaking as much on the outside, definitely vibrating on the inside.
everybody wear black catsuits and bust my spirit clean outta here.........if anybody could ya'll could........!!!!
'ol shaky paws is gonna back away from the keyboard now. Lord watch over all of us and keep us in your sight both day and night.......in your name, Amen.
Replies
Also having a ziiipy-don\'t-wah day here, so rest well, and we\'re sending you rainbows, stars, hummingbirds, and this really beautiful little butterfly that is the most delicate pale blue with tiny tiny dots on its tiny tiny wings---almost never seen in my area, but hte cold winter gave it a chance and here we are with it:-)
Only glory for you:-)
Serce, wish I could sit by you and the kitties while you go through this crash. No matter how many times I\'ve crashed, there is always a small part of me still moving into panic mode because it feels so terrible. I know you will get through it, but it\'s not easy. Praying for you and please take it slowly and safely. xoxo, Morebooks
Always love reading your wonderful journals.Wish I had your gift of writing.So sorry you are struggling, it\'s a constant battle I know . I\'m in bed , crashed, just wrote a teary, mundane Milly journal.No creative writing skills for me though.I bet if you were around the corner and I hobbled in to see you now, we could have a big sooky session and then we could have girly giggles for the rest of the day and make ourselves feel better . I\'m too weak to even get dressed , so I would still be in my purple nightie, my hair looking like a cockies crest, eyes red and swollen.You probably wouldn\'t even let me in, ,even though I would be yelling out \" It\'s me Ruthie, it\'s Di \" !! LOL. Hope you will be alright my dear friend. I\'m going on to you tube now to find some laughter therapy.Hummingbirds are ever so sweet and right on Sams birthday, that was kinda special.A little sign to soothe your heart, to let you know you\'re heard.Hugs ya sweet soul xoxo
You are so sweet and good and I love the way you speak from the heart. Your journaling seems to help bring out the inner thoughts in me. Like... This life thingy is a big mystery and why some of us hurt so much and there is suffering I wish I knew. I know that God has a much bigger plan for us, so why am I so scared to get there? Oh, well. I don\'t know where I am going with this anymore. lol. I do know that you are a very special soul and I send you lots of positive healing energy and love today, tomorrow, and always. (I hope).
P.T.
Serce always have a grace of good works/words/thoughts within you even when your feeling your worst. So sorry that your are hurting/struggling.
Glad you have Rio and Annie there with you,your furkids,guardians and companions.That is a very Beautiful memory of the humming bird that you saw and maybe a gift from the Universe. I think your body is wise in knowing that boxed food is just chemicals w/ a smattering of food . It is more challenging to have to cook but better for the body. Hope that your rest is a good one. I like that you give the old food a proper send off. & greenies
I understand the being inside yourself thing. It IS good to get out, to see hummingbirds to give us a new perspective on our days. I too saw a hummingbird recently, at first I saw him perched on a tomato cage. Amazing that I saw him at all. Then he took flight around a redhotpoker bloom, validating that he was indeed what I thought and it was wonderful. God sends us these things I think. and yes, nudges us to the kitchen to nourish ourselves. He knows what is good for us. PTL!
You have skuch a way of expressing the highs and lows of what we go through. Hang in there Ruthie, it will get better.