I’m behind at work. I have to write a quality plan and we have this crazy auditor who wants things done a very specific way. Unlike other auditors, he does not simply check to see if we are adhering to a a standard. I can’t seem to get this document right. meanwhile a bunch of other stuff I need to do is not getting done and it’s making me VERY anxious. couldn’t sleep last night.
When meditating - it was hard to get to get thru the thick anxiety and get to my younger selves to check up on them -see how they were feeling. I started to have memories of school when i was younger. I thought of homework that "the" dad would love to check. when the dad found something incorrect he would get angry - VERY angry. There would be physical repercussions. So I started pretending that I didn’t have any homework. All this did was prolong the inevitable - bad grades at the end of the semester. One time he left an entire handprint on brothers face. The dad’s handprint was literally on my brothers face.
I remember the dad shoving my brother up against a wall because he had a wrong answer on
a homework question. I wondered if my brother would live through the event.
I wondered if I was next. but I didn’t get it as bad as my brother. why? I have a feeling
the reason is repressed.
I feel this way at work - trapped - anxious - very anxious. The only thing coming thru in
this morning meditation was a distant “i’m bad” sound from one of my parts
that was very cut off. I feel only anxiety. I asked my older wise
self what to do. She said I was doing everything right - assuring all my parts that
we are safe. continuing to check in and
assure my younger parts that they are loved no matter what. Allow the feeling to come . be patient.
I think I have learned helplessness. can't win. trapped. there is this part of me that
thinks I can' t accomplish the task at hand - which I most certainly can. I think it comes from
not having the ability to meet the dads expecations. Even if my homework was perfect he would FIND
something wrong. maybe the handwriting wasn't correct. or maybe my lines weren't perfectly straight.
it didn't matter. he woudl FIND something. and there were grave repercussions.
In writing this.. i’m actually starting to feel the sadness. It’s a start.