Last Resort

Life is frustrating.  It's not like I live an unhappy life because I am content.  But sometimes I have really low moments.  This darkness I carry within me seeps out of the pores in the depth of my mind.  Maybe I'm so used to being sad and angry that now things are better for me I don't know how to live "normal".  But I won't kill myself.  I'm afraid to die.  
I miss my family...my dad, my grandparents...they're dead.  I hate my mother so much.  I fucking hate the church.  Then my sadness turns to anger when I start thinking about my past.  And how can I not think about it?!  It's made me who I am today!  This meat suit filled with insecurities, pain, sadness, anger all wrapped with happiness, beauty, and laughter.
Why am I alive?  Why am I here??  When I die, I hope I do go to a better place...I hope all this bullshit was worth going through to get to the other side.