Last night was rough

I wrote the following entry last night while I was laying in bed.. I couldn't sleep and had to resort to drugging myself in order to sleep around 5am and didn't fall asleep till around 5:30am. 
 
I can't sleep..I can't turn my brain off, I can't turn my emotions off.. I just can't turn it off. I want more than anything to get high or drunk, to escape the reality that I may have cervical cancer and it may impede my ability to have children...more-so... I'm incredibly maternal..ever since my miscarriage I've wanted nothing more than to birth my own child(ren)...but my pregnancy was in my tube and it may have compromised my tube, compromising my ability to have children. The reality that I could have cervical cancer, that I could have to have one or both of my ovaries removed or even my uterus... The reality that my ability to birth my own child(ren) could be further compromised is absolutely heartbreaking. I've been watching the vampire diaries endlessly..I've been escaping reality with it because it's the only way I can. Every time I walk into my kitchen I feel a pull towards alcohol.. I feel a desire to drink, and I can't. I won't. It's so hard to not think about the negative things in life..I always say "don't stress what you can't control" but it's difficult when it's something as serious as cancer. I'm getting tested august 1st... Confirmation will come sometime after then...