LAST NIGHT
Last night I got really down, and cried and prayed my self to sleep. I prayed that God would give me understanding why Kenny had to die. I haven't figured it out yet, although I know Ken had cancer. But cancer has hit our family several times and everyone survived. I guess that is what I felt Ken could do. Of course, we don't know what the body will do when the cancer cells appear. They say they are always, there it is just how our immune system handles it. One day it can look like a bad cell the next day it can look like a normal cell. Then that is when the cancer will begin.
I have been told that by the time you find a tumor, you had had it for eight years. So if that is true then Ken lived with it for 10 years and 20 days.
Then your told they are slow growing, or fast growing, We never got an answer to what is means to be fast or slow. Ken's dad had cancer while we were together. That was in 1979, There was really no treatment for his, but we tried it anyway. Then there was the power of God in how I felt. My mom has had it twice and not one time has she has had treatment. So I guess our family got a little immune to the fact that Yes Cancer Kills. Now that I have to face that fact, but it is something I still don't understand. To all of you out there that are survivors, I pray that it continues. Ken's I think was pretty far by the time they found it. He did chemo, radiation, stem-cell transplant, but it still got him in the end. I know Ken fought hard and long to beat this thing. But I guess his body just didn't have enough strength to pull through. I know he suffered dearly the entire 2 years and I know the last 3 months when the tumor went to the brain, it was physically and mentally to him.
So some how I now have asked God to help me understand.
Sandi
I have been told that by the time you find a tumor, you had had it for eight years. So if that is true then Ken lived with it for 10 years and 20 days.
Then your told they are slow growing, or fast growing, We never got an answer to what is means to be fast or slow. Ken's dad had cancer while we were together. That was in 1979, There was really no treatment for his, but we tried it anyway. Then there was the power of God in how I felt. My mom has had it twice and not one time has she has had treatment. So I guess our family got a little immune to the fact that Yes Cancer Kills. Now that I have to face that fact, but it is something I still don't understand. To all of you out there that are survivors, I pray that it continues. Ken's I think was pretty far by the time they found it. He did chemo, radiation, stem-cell transplant, but it still got him in the end. I know Ken fought hard and long to beat this thing. But I guess his body just didn't have enough strength to pull through. I know he suffered dearly the entire 2 years and I know the last 3 months when the tumor went to the brain, it was physically and mentally to him.
So some how I now have asked God to help me understand.
Sandi
Replies
Don\'t beat your self up trying to figure out why - you may never know. I know I about what ifed myself to death. We are moms we are suppose to be able to fix everything & man does it ever hurt that we couldn\'t fix this. May you have a very peaceful & gentle weekend. Hugs, Ann
Thanks, you too Ann
My heart goes out to you..My family has the cancer gene too. My mom and dad both had it and died withing 3 months of each other in 1996/97. My sister suffered a severe stroke and they found out she had lung cancer. She got operated on but it returned 6 years later and spread to her brain too. She died in 2007. I am just waiting for the shoe to drop for me. My daughter suffered a brain aneurysm in 2008 and died. I can\'t give you an answer but can only tell you I understand completely. If and when I do get cancer, I will not receive the treatments that I know will not work. I\'d rather live a shorter life than prolong it and feel miserable the extra few months. It\'s not worth it.....My thoughts will be with you on Mother\'s Day. I am into my second child grief journey and it stinks. Melissa will be gone almost 18 months and I still have the intense sadness which I can\'t see every going away. She will always be my baby girl even when she died at 30. My first child died in 1977 living only 4 hours. As bad as that was at the time. Melissa was much worse because I had her for almost 31 years so it was so hard to tell them to take her off life support and donate her organs. My prayers for all the mothers on this site to get through Mother\'s Day as best as they can. I will be with my best friend who is seeing her daughter in the morning so she can spend the rest of the day with me. I am so blessed that she is in my life. She is my angel on earth while Melissa is my angel in Heaven......Love to you all. Connie
I don\'t think we ever get the answer to the why questions. I am thinking of you and sending a hug, and a hope for a peaceful day with some smiles. Love to you Wendy
There are some things that we can\'t fix, so very hard to accept. There are things we will not understand in this lifetime. I don\'t understand the question of\" Why John? I have quit asking and decided to trust God with that. I do pray that He will be with me and hold my hand through the rest of my days. With this I have come to a place while sad, I do have some peace, Please be kind to yourself. These types of questions can be very tormenting.Hugs.
Oh honey, your pain is so palpable. I remember when my brother was diagnosed, I was driving to work and I was trying to figure out why, and it was just as if some one spoke to my mind and said \"My ways are higher than your ways\" We don\'t have to work out why, we\'ll drive ourselves crazy. I guess we just have to trust that every thing has a season. Just to way above my reasoning.
Hugs and lotsa love,
Joan
I remember in middle school we had a class and they said that by the time I was like 35, someone in our family would be affected by cancer in some way. Back then, no one had. It was hard to believe. I remember thinking, not my family. We are all healthy. But I\'m 53 now, and so many in the family have had cancer. Few have lived through it. My mother is the only one so far. She has breast cancer and is doing ok for now. It\'s a horrible non-descrimnating plague! I wish they had a clue how to stop it. I\'m so very sorry you lost your sweet Ken:(
I\'m happy his suffering is over, but I\'m sad that yours has begun. Big hug, Danette
My nature is to figure out and fix things. It took a while, but I have finally released the guilt that I suffered over not being able to fix Chad\'s death.
It was simply far beyond my power. I have almost stopped asking WHY? I wore myself out with that stage. I thought some of my emotions {intense rage to name one} were not normal. After joining this fantastic group of women, I found all the things I was dealing with, were pretty much normal.
I pray God gives you all the answers you are seeking. Peaceful weekend my friend. Tight hugs, Barbara
I think Joan is right. It is impossible for us to understand \"WHY,\" and we are better off accepting that \"Everything has a season...\" (not necessarily a reason that would make sense to US. I\'ve given up trying to understand--it is useless. There are no real answers on this planet. Maybe God will tell us when we go home to him. Maybe by that time, we won\'t even be worried about it anymore... Love, Cherie
Jay did well for the first 5 1/2 years, then his tumor which was supposed to be slow growing came back with a vengeancy. They thought it had progressed to a glioblastoma. He did suffer the last few months. My heart is with you, this Mother\'s day is tough. Crying is OK, anything is OK. No reason to believe that this is abnormal. It takes a long time, I haven\'t made it yet, not even close.
Hugs and take care on Sunday
thinking of you! wish i had the answers for you, for all of us. love you! {{{hugs}}}
Sometimes there are no answers know you are in my thoughts love to you
I understand your pain, and your question....why? I suppose even if we knew why, it wouldn\'t ease the sorrow of losing a child. hugs, Rebecca
Love and prayers for you. B
There will never be an answer that will satisfy.There really are no good answers why any of our children died before us. Sometimes things just are what they are. I used to go nuts trying to figure things out and reliving and rethinking and for what???? I became so depressed until I finally released all that and accepted that sometimes there are no answers that will make sense to us. Be gentle to yourself. Hugs, Inga