Affirmation: I have a right to all of my feelings

I am exploring the deep corners of narcissism/psychopathy and prior to this it has been debilitating. Now it is simply not easy, so far I haven't been debilitated into a deep depression. That is a good sign and a mini victory.

My dad is a malignant narcissist and for some reason childhood sexual energy is stuck and feeling dangerous, as my therapist has asked me three times if my dad was sexually abusive and it calms me everytime he does - which feels mega awful and creepy... I have reocurring nightmares about this. I have two recurring nightmares, always in danger. In my life I was raped twice. I was sexually abused twice before this, I was sexually shamed by narcissistic father, I was sexually abused in grade 2 by another boy, and I have had countless encounters with men that has been disrespectful and inappropriate. ?Cycle much. 

This morning when I got up I was naked and when I came upstairs my dog licked my leg and my partner was suddenly sitting around the corner. This was very triggering and startling. I felt very vulnerable and immediately angry and upset. I was triggered. And all day I have been feeling angry, frustrated, annoyed, and restless with difficulty settling.  

My inner critic is very loud as I judge myself for feeling emotions I dislike - frustration, anger, and rage yesterday. As I heal I feel rage for the immense level of control I was under as a girl and as a woman and the immense level of control I still am under the trauma bonding I can't extricate from. I hate feeling this way. I hate this process. I feel deeply down and some ups - but not as high as I would like. 

I have been feeling heavily depressed and suicidal - I am better but not out of the woods. I am scared of facing all of this headon. 

I am scared I was sexually abused as a child by my dad (not just others) and have locked it down with my dissociative patterning. I am scared it is going to come to light after being repressed. I feel this way due to my nightmares, my flashbacks, my startle response. I am very frustrated. I will keep going. Just like that guy on TV never gave up hiking those 14 peaks. I can hike 14 peaks. Just like I can do this. 

Any negative voice in my head is not my own. The person judging me is not me. Tne person telling me I should be feeling one way and not the other is not me. This is my internalized inner critic from repeated abuse. My internalized critic is mean and devastating, its my dad's voice. It is my ex's voice. 

Just talking to myself now: 

If it is too much to face the pain of my dad that is okay. 

Just know when to pull back my love. I've got you. KNOW WHEN TO PULL BACK. KNOW WHEN TO GIVE TO YOURSELF. KNOW WHEN TO REST. AND KNOW WHEN TO PATTERN BLOCK THE INNER CRITIC IN YOUR HEAD. 

How do I stop this voice? How do I recognize it more quickly? How do I let it go? How do I not judge myself when it is there? 

Keep asking questions. One step at a time. What is my next right move? 

I am triggered.

Ride it out like a pill. Ask my boyfriend to backoff sex for awhile. Maintain your boundaries and just let go 5% everyday.

It feels dark and never ending.