Kryptonite
I've mentioned so many times that my son's death was just the start of my roller coaster life ... actually it started 4 years before that it just took hindsight to allow me to see all of that. I've also mentioned that I had a major career change after Randy Lee's passing that I know was all in the cards. Again, hindsight has shown me that. I switched from elementary ed to psych rehab. Sometimes the LEAP feels like it's eon's apart and other moment's its all too familiar.
I entered my life as it is now on this career path just 8 months after Randy's passing. I believe with all my heart I was led here, I am doing what I was meant to do. I am able to use my loss, my pain, Randy's journey to help others and for me - it's therapeutic and rewarding.
I work with people who have both mental illness as well as addictions in most cases. Last spring I had an intake with a young man just 18 yrs old. A life of addictions that began almost as he was born due to parents who had a warped sense of humor thinking it was funny & cool to get their baby high. His teenage years kicked started what was an on and off parent induced life of drugs that he just couldn't seem to shake. I remember the day I walked into the crisis housing he was staying at before coming into our program. My friend & co-worker and I walked in to the house and I had no clue the turn my life was to take.
I almost instantly saw it. The resemblance to Randy Lee was one that took me off guard. The color & wave of his hair, eye color, build, mannerisms even his smile. It was all too familiar. It was close to Randy Lee's angel date so at first I just thought I was linking too much but I wasn't. While doing the assessment I had asked him to sign a form and as I was reading the statement I glanced up and instantly lost my train of thought and gasped. My co-worker asked if I was okay and it took me a few seconds to answer and I said I was, that I would explain later. As we all are most of the time, I'm good at tucking away even strong feelings when I need to do so. I finished the assessment, gave my update and let him know I would be in touch in about 3 days. When we reached the van it took me a few seconds to gather myself after holding it all in.
We sat there in the van for a few minutes until I could explain. She didn't know Randy Lee but his pics in my office because here or gone, he's still my son, he's still in my life and I still love & miss him. She said "he looks like Randy - doesn't he?" I just nodded and felt the sting start again. I explained that as I was reading when I looked up and he had his head down signing the form it just looked so much like Randy Lee even before I noticed that he and Randy Lee both held their pen in an odd, awkward manner. I can't even explain it - they both had the pen rest between the ring and middle finger with the other fingers sort of oddly bent to write. It took my air away. We decided at that time he would move into the house she is house manager of - my team but we have 6 apts in 4 locations. This one is beside of the one my office is in so close but not under my nose.
He moved in and things continued to remind me of Randy Lee. He was in that torn place between knowing he needed to be clean and knowing if he couldn't control it that it would eventually own him. It wasn't long before I realized he was my kyptonite. I'm blunt and direct to a fault and while that didn't change with him I did find myself wanting to help him, give him chances. I wanted so badly for him to do well. There were rough moments - times I knew he wasn't where he needed to be but I seemed to give him chances. More than I likely should have but in the end - I knew I needed to draw a line that couldn't be erased. He wasn't serious and he needed to be. He opted to leave which I knew was a huge mistake but like with Randy Lee - no one could make that choice but him. I just had to sit back and watch him fall on his head. The night he moved out in December I went home and cried myself to sleep. Some of the tears were for him ... most were for Randy Lee. Again ... drugs won.
Last week I answered the phone at work ... "(identified work) This is Dee" and I heard that familiar voice "Hi Dee -- it's (name) I need help". I had promised myself that if he realized he needed us that I would stick to my standards and make him do what was needed. I agreed for him to come to the office and to help him. We got him set up with a referral but I reminded him that it came with conditions. He knew - so I listed them and while I would gladly support him in our program again, I would help him how we could I needed him to do in patient addictions rehab for at least 30 days as we had agreed. He agreed but also worried it would take some time. I let him know that I would do what I could but that I needed that effort on his part to know he was sincere. He agreed. The mom part of me wanted to scream - okay, forget it - you can come back but the rehab worker knew he needed that.
He's one of my "boomerang" supports meaning he comes back to me for encouragement and support. I have quite a few in the last 11 yrs but he's the one that cuts just a tab deeper for me. It's no secret that I care about him - I care about almost everyone I've supported at work. Some more than others but you have to care to do this work. He's just .... well ... again ... my kryptonite.
I sat in my office tonight with him and it tears at me. I see the conflict in him the same as I saw it in Randy Lee. I knew he knows that I care about him and I want him to do well. I just need him to know he can do well. I sit here tonight feeling that ache missing Randy Lee. Wishing he has someone who had seen the struggle in him. No one wanted to see that concern of mine that he was struggling with something that drove him to use drugs.
I'm professional. I know this young man knows I care, he knows I'll help him as long as he's helping himself and that he knows the moment he tries to BS me I'll call him on it. Then there's that little piece of me that see Randy Lee each time I look at him and it just tears me apart.
So many things come to mind ,... some I don't want to hear but know. "No one comes into our lives without a reason" .... "it's all part of the greater plan" .... "a positive in each negative" which I do honestly believe. So "he" was sent into my path for a reason ... all I know is tonight ... I really miss Randy Lee. I keep searching my mind for the why ... I thought I was past all that but I guess in the end .... a mom can never really be past the WHY when they weren't able to help their child. The could have, should have , would have of my life.
Maybe ... just maybe .... it will make a difference to this young man that someone fights for him ... even while they make him fight for himself. I pray that things fall into place that allow him this re-start and that it clicks for him.
I entered my life as it is now on this career path just 8 months after Randy's passing. I believe with all my heart I was led here, I am doing what I was meant to do. I am able to use my loss, my pain, Randy's journey to help others and for me - it's therapeutic and rewarding.
I work with people who have both mental illness as well as addictions in most cases. Last spring I had an intake with a young man just 18 yrs old. A life of addictions that began almost as he was born due to parents who had a warped sense of humor thinking it was funny & cool to get their baby high. His teenage years kicked started what was an on and off parent induced life of drugs that he just couldn't seem to shake. I remember the day I walked into the crisis housing he was staying at before coming into our program. My friend & co-worker and I walked in to the house and I had no clue the turn my life was to take.
I almost instantly saw it. The resemblance to Randy Lee was one that took me off guard. The color & wave of his hair, eye color, build, mannerisms even his smile. It was all too familiar. It was close to Randy Lee's angel date so at first I just thought I was linking too much but I wasn't. While doing the assessment I had asked him to sign a form and as I was reading the statement I glanced up and instantly lost my train of thought and gasped. My co-worker asked if I was okay and it took me a few seconds to answer and I said I was, that I would explain later. As we all are most of the time, I'm good at tucking away even strong feelings when I need to do so. I finished the assessment, gave my update and let him know I would be in touch in about 3 days. When we reached the van it took me a few seconds to gather myself after holding it all in.
We sat there in the van for a few minutes until I could explain. She didn't know Randy Lee but his pics in my office because here or gone, he's still my son, he's still in my life and I still love & miss him. She said "he looks like Randy - doesn't he?" I just nodded and felt the sting start again. I explained that as I was reading when I looked up and he had his head down signing the form it just looked so much like Randy Lee even before I noticed that he and Randy Lee both held their pen in an odd, awkward manner. I can't even explain it - they both had the pen rest between the ring and middle finger with the other fingers sort of oddly bent to write. It took my air away. We decided at that time he would move into the house she is house manager of - my team but we have 6 apts in 4 locations. This one is beside of the one my office is in so close but not under my nose.
He moved in and things continued to remind me of Randy Lee. He was in that torn place between knowing he needed to be clean and knowing if he couldn't control it that it would eventually own him. It wasn't long before I realized he was my kyptonite. I'm blunt and direct to a fault and while that didn't change with him I did find myself wanting to help him, give him chances. I wanted so badly for him to do well. There were rough moments - times I knew he wasn't where he needed to be but I seemed to give him chances. More than I likely should have but in the end - I knew I needed to draw a line that couldn't be erased. He wasn't serious and he needed to be. He opted to leave which I knew was a huge mistake but like with Randy Lee - no one could make that choice but him. I just had to sit back and watch him fall on his head. The night he moved out in December I went home and cried myself to sleep. Some of the tears were for him ... most were for Randy Lee. Again ... drugs won.
Last week I answered the phone at work ... "(identified work) This is Dee" and I heard that familiar voice "Hi Dee -- it's (name) I need help". I had promised myself that if he realized he needed us that I would stick to my standards and make him do what was needed. I agreed for him to come to the office and to help him. We got him set up with a referral but I reminded him that it came with conditions. He knew - so I listed them and while I would gladly support him in our program again, I would help him how we could I needed him to do in patient addictions rehab for at least 30 days as we had agreed. He agreed but also worried it would take some time. I let him know that I would do what I could but that I needed that effort on his part to know he was sincere. He agreed. The mom part of me wanted to scream - okay, forget it - you can come back but the rehab worker knew he needed that.
He's one of my "boomerang" supports meaning he comes back to me for encouragement and support. I have quite a few in the last 11 yrs but he's the one that cuts just a tab deeper for me. It's no secret that I care about him - I care about almost everyone I've supported at work. Some more than others but you have to care to do this work. He's just .... well ... again ... my kryptonite.
I sat in my office tonight with him and it tears at me. I see the conflict in him the same as I saw it in Randy Lee. I knew he knows that I care about him and I want him to do well. I just need him to know he can do well. I sit here tonight feeling that ache missing Randy Lee. Wishing he has someone who had seen the struggle in him. No one wanted to see that concern of mine that he was struggling with something that drove him to use drugs.
I'm professional. I know this young man knows I care, he knows I'll help him as long as he's helping himself and that he knows the moment he tries to BS me I'll call him on it. Then there's that little piece of me that see Randy Lee each time I look at him and it just tears me apart.
So many things come to mind ,... some I don't want to hear but know. "No one comes into our lives without a reason" .... "it's all part of the greater plan" .... "a positive in each negative" which I do honestly believe. So "he" was sent into my path for a reason ... all I know is tonight ... I really miss Randy Lee. I keep searching my mind for the why ... I thought I was past all that but I guess in the end .... a mom can never really be past the WHY when they weren't able to help their child. The could have, should have , would have of my life.
Maybe ... just maybe .... it will make a difference to this young man that someone fights for him ... even while they make him fight for himself. I pray that things fall into place that allow him this re-start and that it clicks for him.
Replies
He is so very lucky to have you in his corner. I hope he gets things in order.
Peace and hugs, Kathy
I hope he makes it. Thank you for being the professional and the mother you are. XOXO, Debbie
Your journal is just beautiful! .I can feel your heart..see your pain and how difficult it is to put on that \"professional\" face but our heart is breaking. ..He is so lucky to have you with your unconditional love and yet providing boundaries.
There\'s a student at school who could be my daughters twin..SIGH...my heart is with you. Missing our kids always. ...Vicki
Prayerful and hopeful for another to find sobriety. SO many do and they don\'t make the headlines as do those that don\'t. There is freedom for him within reach and you are his advocate. May he become his own and know how worth it he IS!
Understanding how close this must feel to your heart and knowing how proud Randy Lee is of his mom and the healing work you are doing.
XO Joanie
Thank you for doing what you do. You absolutely make a difference.
Love, prayers, and hugs. Sharon