Knowing my self-worth
I hope one day I can achieve that I don't need another person to prove my existence's worth, or anything external to me to prove my existence.
In a relationship (may that be an intimate one or a friendship / any kind of relationship) I always feel like I have to 'prove my worth' all the time, show why is it good for them to be in a friendship / relationship with me. That I'm worth being friends / in a relationship with. I have this constant need to prove my worth because I don't think anyone is just going to love me for myself. Otherwise I feel that they think I'm just a waste of space.
I know that this stems from my mum saying to me in an argument when I was 16-17, that I'm such a 'horrible person' that nobody is ever going to love me for myself.I talked to her about this since and she said she didn't mean it at all and that it's not true, but I made it my belief and it totally messed me up. I don't know how to change this belief as far as actions go. I know (in theory) that I deserve to be loved and that I'm lovable, but when I am in any kind of a relationship / friendship / social situation (even at work), I'm always trying really hard to show that I'm worth having.
It makes me so sad that I'm like this. I am trying to change my thinking but I don't know how to change my actions; doI just stand around doing nothing??? I would feel so useless. I don't know how to do this. Does anyone have any advise for me?
In a relationship (may that be an intimate one or a friendship / any kind of relationship) I always feel like I have to 'prove my worth' all the time, show why is it good for them to be in a friendship / relationship with me. That I'm worth being friends / in a relationship with. I have this constant need to prove my worth because I don't think anyone is just going to love me for myself. Otherwise I feel that they think I'm just a waste of space.
I know that this stems from my mum saying to me in an argument when I was 16-17, that I'm such a 'horrible person' that nobody is ever going to love me for myself.I talked to her about this since and she said she didn't mean it at all and that it's not true, but I made it my belief and it totally messed me up. I don't know how to change this belief as far as actions go. I know (in theory) that I deserve to be loved and that I'm lovable, but when I am in any kind of a relationship / friendship / social situation (even at work), I'm always trying really hard to show that I'm worth having.
It makes me so sad that I'm like this. I am trying to change my thinking but I don't know how to change my actions; doI just stand around doing nothing??? I would feel so useless. I don't know how to do this. Does anyone have any advise for me?
Replies
Doesnt changing your thinking cause your actions to change?
My mom did the same thing to me too- I think we need to somehow get past what they said. That\'s where our thinking needs to change. I am working on a book called \"Mind Over Mood\" that is suppose to help- it\'s actually a form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I\'m only on chapter 3, but it\'s suppose to help a lot.
If I could change my thinking, that would probably change my actions too, but I don\'t know how to behave differently, because that\'s all I have ever done. Maybe instead of trying to \'prove my worth\' and trying to be \'useful\', I would actually stop being anxious and enjoy myself????
I suppose knowing what my Mum said was not true and actually changing the belief I adopted (I\'m not worthy of love unless I can show/prove my worth) and challanging and changing that belief is within the same process; I have done step one but need to do step two know and challange my belief and disprove it. I am going to CBT counselling which massively helps, and reading books (currently reading \'Think you way to happiness\') but will read the book you mentioned Vanilla, who is the author please?
You are a great person from all I know about you (and i think i know quite a bit). That\'s my opinion and I\'m telling you what i honestly believe.
My mom also was very abusive. I chose nearly a year ago to no longer speak with her and do that for me was very empowering. It makes me feel like she was wrong about all the bad things she said.
I struggle with the same feelings of having to prove myself. Or finding someone who is my \'judge\' whose approval determines how worthy of a person I am. To stop that, I do 2 things. I sit down and ask myself : \'Do i think I am a good person/do i like myself?\" I think carefully and logically...usually i say yes. Then i say \"is my opinion credible\'. Then I think of whether i \'m a good judge of other people and I think I mostly am so i say \'yes\'. It helps me focus on what MY opinion of ME is.
Thank you for the encouragement and for your kind words Goingup!
I\'m sorry your mum was abusive to you and you had to go through all that BS, I found it very liberating and empowering when I stopped talking to my abusive aunt and reduced communication with my even more abusive grandmother to a bare minimum. I wish I never had to see them again (but will have to at my sister\'s wedding in July...)
Thank you for your advice, that sounds good, very CBT! I will try that. What do you do re: behaviour? I.e. Instead of wanting to please and show your worth, what do you do???
A xx
Wow! It scares me to know that those statement from your mother can do that to you. I am so careful everyday with my daughters. Even when I am angry at them, I could never imagine saying something like that to them. Im sorry that your mothers did that to you guys. Mine was just never there, never cared, maybe that\'s why I\'m so complacent about everything. I don\'t know, but I do know that I don\'t ever want my girls to feel about me the way you guys feel about your own mothers and I feel about mine.
((hugs))
I am reading a really good book called: The Gaslight Effect by Robin Stern. She explains how we got into abusive relationships (because we idolize them as much as they idolized us at the beginning) and how to stop doing that dance. I would highly recommend it to get some good techniques to stop engaging in needing to prove your self.
Like my friend CZ likes to say:
Love liberates, it does not take hostages. You dont earn your right to be loved and you dont placate someones demands so they will give you love. They give it or they dont; they can or they cant; they will or they wont. This was a huge revelation for me to finally grasp: that I did not have to EARN someones love, or barter with them, or please them, or sacrifice my best goat in order to be in their good graces. That is not love. That is bondage!~ CZ
Thank you so much for your support!
Whiskeytangofoxtrot, my Mum has changed a lot. We didn\'t have a good relationship when I was a child. Until I established my boundaries, and felt comfortable with myself, it wasn\'t good. It only got better in my mid-to late 20\'s, and even better a few years ago, when I entered my 30\'s.I love my Mum but this comment had such a fundamental effect on my life; even though she apologised and told me she didn\'t mean it, and she does so much for me, and so is my Dad, they tell me and show me that they love me and are encouraging and supportive. I had a lot of stuff to work through, but what I had no success with is the comment (\'you are such a horrible person that nobody will love you for you\') and how she behaved when she knew that I was being seduced by a 36 year old man and I was only 13. She blamed me and put me through hell. She didn\'t protect me. Neither did my Dad. I have issues working through these things. But I love my parents.
Susy, as always, thank you for your wisdom! I love the quote from your friend, it\'s fundamental! I really need to understand this \'how to stop the need of having to prove myself\', because it is key to why I enter abusive relationships. I have ordered the book you recommended by Robin Stern, I will read it once I moved out (should be 4 weeks), so I can focus on it properly and take it all in.
BPDX has been really nice and supportive since I realised that I was raped and he saw that I was really upset and we talked about it. He has been a rock, and it\'s a strange situation, because we have split up because of his emotional and verbal abuse towards me. I still have the cognitive dissonance re: his nice side whom I fell in love with and still love, and the nasty, abusive side, that caused us to break up. I\'m scared being alone and that I will have nobody to talk to and will be alone when I get home, but at the same time I\'m craving to be alone; do my own thing and have peace and quiet. Confusing or what?
Self love is such an incredible thing to learn, like my friend bluessays we were taught everything how to walk etc but alot of us were not taught self love. I dont know how to love myself, not a clue. According to my therapist that was suppose to be instilled upon us as children by our parents. Now we are 46 year old children looking for love that will complete us.
Yep, that\'s true ladytruee :-)
I remember, when I was a child and tried to look after me and do what\'s best for me, I was called \'selfish\' by my parents. So what I learned was that self-love = being selfish. Of course being selfish is not a good thing so I quickly stopped being self-interested... Now I\'m trying to learn it again as an adult.
It seems to me that it is about not taking any nonsense from other people, being assertive, looking after myself emotionally as well as physically. Doing the things I like (that won\'t cause any harm to others) and enjoying my life. Seems like a tall order but I\'m learning :-)
We have no choice but to learn lol. For me having low self esteem to begin with then having him turf me like garbage for someone else literally destroyed me. I oozed pain out of my pores. Now I have been alone for 9 months and have had to accept being alone and how trying thats been!!! I want to reach this level of self love where I can apparently hug myself and feel fulfilled. How great that would be !!!!
Yes Ladytruee, that\'s my aim too!!
I also went through what you describe, with exN. We were together for 6 years. After 11 months of marriage he cheated on me and just over a year later he walked out and within weeks he moved in with somebody else.
I got into a new relationship only 7 months after he left, and we just split up at the end of March, I suspect he is Borderline.
I\'m moving out from him in 4 weeks\' time and trying to come to terms with being alone, until I healed and worked through my issues, and don\'t need external validation! Have a lot of work to do...