knda tough day of memories
i never thought I would see the day that my child would turn 32 and, the age peter, their dad, was killed. it is surreal to me, she looks so young and It brings home to me how young we were, with 3 young children.
I am having mixed feelings and thought, memories. I am trying to focus on the happy ones of how peter was when she was born, how her name came to be, how much he loved her, but I am also fighting back the awful memories of his death and all the terrible things that went wrong and how I was treated like I was nothing instead of his wife. I can remember so clearly the details of how I found out he was killed, not by anyone telling me but after he was already taken to the hospital, no police came, mother in law and neighbor said it would be to much for me! hellooo! not being told what happened all during the ride to the hospital, had to wait for my parents to come and they were white as sheets and my brother also. hilda came too I kept asking what happened, is he alright, no one would answer. one nightmare after another. some weird memories like after the funeral being back at my parents house and me saying well peter would of liked me losing a few pounds anyways, I had dropped pounds in days, why would I say that. the wake, where I stood alone, his family wouldn't stand with me. I remember bringing colleen to the funeral home before people so she could say goodbye and she wanted to give daddy somethings to have with him. one was a turkey claw, he had shot with arrow a turkey. there was one person who thought it was his burned hand and screamed and I said it was a turkey claw. it is funny how one can remain calm at those times then fall apart later. a big regret is how we last saw each other, we had a fight and never resolved it, I try never to do that again as you never know.
I will try and focus on the happy memories of the day colleen was born and the start of our family and how great a dad he was. I will try hard to not let ED take over in this state, though I am bringing breakfast, cant eat it now.
sorry this is so long, I just had to get it out.
hugs all
I am having mixed feelings and thought, memories. I am trying to focus on the happy ones of how peter was when she was born, how her name came to be, how much he loved her, but I am also fighting back the awful memories of his death and all the terrible things that went wrong and how I was treated like I was nothing instead of his wife. I can remember so clearly the details of how I found out he was killed, not by anyone telling me but after he was already taken to the hospital, no police came, mother in law and neighbor said it would be to much for me! hellooo! not being told what happened all during the ride to the hospital, had to wait for my parents to come and they were white as sheets and my brother also. hilda came too I kept asking what happened, is he alright, no one would answer. one nightmare after another. some weird memories like after the funeral being back at my parents house and me saying well peter would of liked me losing a few pounds anyways, I had dropped pounds in days, why would I say that. the wake, where I stood alone, his family wouldn't stand with me. I remember bringing colleen to the funeral home before people so she could say goodbye and she wanted to give daddy somethings to have with him. one was a turkey claw, he had shot with arrow a turkey. there was one person who thought it was his burned hand and screamed and I said it was a turkey claw. it is funny how one can remain calm at those times then fall apart later. a big regret is how we last saw each other, we had a fight and never resolved it, I try never to do that again as you never know.
I will try and focus on the happy memories of the day colleen was born and the start of our family and how great a dad he was. I will try hard to not let ED take over in this state, though I am bringing breakfast, cant eat it now.
sorry this is so long, I just had to get it out.
hugs all
Replies
You have a lot of extremely painful memories Ann. These kinds of things that are a major part of our lives will I suppose throughout our lives keep coming back with their accompanying feelings and regrets. Its tough. Im glad youre also remembering positive memories and resolving to not let your ED take control. Big Hugs ((((( )))))
thank you Kathy, I so appreciate your care and support. working helped to get my mind off that and then I had to focus on not thinking negative thoughts about my job. I am trying to just let the day go by and not let it get to me, but Saturday is going to be awful, looked at the order book and saw 4 large platters all due by 10, will have to go in at 6, oh well, do what I can. you are such a good friend, how are you doing and feeling, any better?
*hugs* I\'m sorry you are going through all of this.... I lost my dad when I was 13 and he was cremated and his ashes were spread from the back of his favorite boat to go fishing with. On Father\'s day and other occasions I like to go to the ocean and spend some time talking to him. I miss him terribly, but I\'m trying to work on it. They say it never goes away, and I believe it. I\'m 32 and still trying to cope. I hope you find a healthy way to cope. *hugs* Tell Colleen happy birthday for me!
It is so good that you journaled about all these thoughts and feelings... good to get it out. I go threw things like that about when my mom past away when I was a teen. Its not easy but good for you to try to focus on all the positive memories surrounding Peter and your family. No matter how much time goes by he will always be there in your heart. He will always live on threw the kids :) HuggggzZz
I am sorry you had to go threw all that. It\'s never good when someone you love dies. Please remember the good times.. It\'s good you were able to vent here. it\'s amazing how anything can bring back the memory. I lost my husband when I was young too . I didn\'t have any children with him . there really isn\'t much anyone can say to ease the pain of memory but we can be there for you. Sometimes just talking about things makes it a little easier. HUGS
thank you everyone, you have brought me strength and comfort. I am sorry zecilkil for your loss.
So sorry to read about all the pain and sadness you\'ve faced. Hang in there, I care about you, Ann. Kim x