just thoughts. and emotions.
just a little note to self about weird feelings last night. i think that they were inside of me, and that i was projecting them outward to create a scenario where i could feel anxious. i was going to bed and i got afraid he was going to take that time to talk to another woman. who, i have no idea. i don't even think this alleged other woman even has the remote possibility of existing, but the feeling was there. it's been on the back burner a little bit lately, but i just want to recognize that it has existed. for two reasons:
one, if it is true, i can look back and remember that the gut feeling is correct, as it often has been. (although this is not really aligned with gut feeling, more like an anxiety. see reason two.)
two, if this is an irrational anxiety, i can use it to understand what i deem to be irrational emotions on his part. i can examine what i am feeling, multiply it by, oh, maybe 10 or 45, and actually feel what he feels, so i can get it from the inside out. as opposed, of course, to him actually lashing out at me to get even.
i think i want to tell him about this feeling. it will help me to make sense of the feeling, and will also show him that i can feel vulnerable as well, that it's not some kind of a terrible fault that only he has. whether this will do either of us any good, who knows. (i just had the thought that this could be used against me in a fight, where he could once again tell me that i have jealousy "issues" because i express feeling some jealousy-which i think is healthy. but the thing is, he often uses many things against me in a fight, especially if he is hurting and wants to hurt me back, so it doesn't really make a difference if he does. it's new fuel. plus i'm trying to keep things calm when there's a trigger. and so's he, i noticed.)
but ok there's just one other thing i want to write about today, and if anyone with bpd happens upon this journal entry i am very sorry and don't mean to offend, but i just have to say this: my boyfriend is fucking nuts.
he's in his early 40s, he's brilliant, he's talented, he's beautiful, and we love each other. but there have been so many times when he has acted like a pissed off teenager, acted so incredibly mean and astonishingly immature (like seriously WOW i can't believe you still fight by that set of rules) that i just can't not see that as well when i look at him. it doesn't make me love him any less, in fact if things were perfect i believe they would become boring. so yes, here i am, i have come to accept him for the whole package and love him for it, but sometimes when i gaze lovingly at that whole package it looks just a bit ridiculous and i want to laugh. takes one to know one, though, huh.
one, if it is true, i can look back and remember that the gut feeling is correct, as it often has been. (although this is not really aligned with gut feeling, more like an anxiety. see reason two.)
two, if this is an irrational anxiety, i can use it to understand what i deem to be irrational emotions on his part. i can examine what i am feeling, multiply it by, oh, maybe 10 or 45, and actually feel what he feels, so i can get it from the inside out. as opposed, of course, to him actually lashing out at me to get even.
i think i want to tell him about this feeling. it will help me to make sense of the feeling, and will also show him that i can feel vulnerable as well, that it's not some kind of a terrible fault that only he has. whether this will do either of us any good, who knows. (i just had the thought that this could be used against me in a fight, where he could once again tell me that i have jealousy "issues" because i express feeling some jealousy-which i think is healthy. but the thing is, he often uses many things against me in a fight, especially if he is hurting and wants to hurt me back, so it doesn't really make a difference if he does. it's new fuel. plus i'm trying to keep things calm when there's a trigger. and so's he, i noticed.)
but ok there's just one other thing i want to write about today, and if anyone with bpd happens upon this journal entry i am very sorry and don't mean to offend, but i just have to say this: my boyfriend is fucking nuts.
he's in his early 40s, he's brilliant, he's talented, he's beautiful, and we love each other. but there have been so many times when he has acted like a pissed off teenager, acted so incredibly mean and astonishingly immature (like seriously WOW i can't believe you still fight by that set of rules) that i just can't not see that as well when i look at him. it doesn't make me love him any less, in fact if things were perfect i believe they would become boring. so yes, here i am, i have come to accept him for the whole package and love him for it, but sometimes when i gaze lovingly at that whole package it looks just a bit ridiculous and i want to laugh. takes one to know one, though, huh.
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you are doing an amazing job of working through the tangles. when i recall the mental contortions that i went through back in the day, it seems that i had become some kind of emotional pretzel.
thanks. sometimes i feel like i\'m getting a little obsessive in trying to handle my shit. i want to learn how to really, REALLY meditate so i can actually get a break sometimes...