Just Married...

Hello Journal, 

I want you to know that I just got married on Tuesday, October 11.  I'm very happy and this feels like a good place in my life, despite all of my short comings as of lately.  I'm doing much better at work. Trying to be a better person, even though the dark, vengeful side of me wants to come out and play...

You know, when I sit down and have lunch or breaks with my friends and look over at Vanessa sitting all by herself, I think, 'You did this to your self...I didn't cause this.'  Did she get me in trouble?  Yes.  Did I deserve it?  Well, of course because I am who I am...  But was is my doing that brought on her loneliness?  No.  If she wasn't such a shady character and such a bitch to her fellow co-workers, maybe people would actually get along with her.  And what kills me is that the ones she calls her "friends" don't actually trust her.  And even though these people have spoken up against me, they continue to come to me with their own problems and want to conversate and laugh with me....I just don't get it.  I don't see them going out of their way to have any relationship with her.  

I'm not a fake person.  I can't be a fake person.  I've already lived a fake life, and that's just not how I roll.  It takes a toll on your mind.  Well, it did on mine.  This is why I appreciate my husband.  He's honest, blunt, and I can totally trust him.  He's the closest I've ever been with anyother human being because I can trust him...even with the bad parts of me.

As for Vanessa, if my bullying would've led to her suicide, I would've felt bad.  But now she can't use my past actions as an excuse anymore for her demise.  Because I'm quiet now and have become passive to keep my job and essentially my marriage.  But she's not the type to commit any physical self harm.  She'd rather keep playing the victim role and get attention that way than out herself.  Who knows what will happen...