just free writing.

So I don't really have a plan for writing tonight but......nvm...I do.  I had therapy today and Tiggy asked me how I was dealing with feeling safe, I told her I didn't know because I think I'm just not dealing with it.  it's easier to stuff it in a dark corner of my brain right now and not think about, so she went through some stuff with me.  yeah mostly trying not to think about because that might drive me to the last little edge on sanity that I have and I just can't right now.  All that being said I need to deal with it soon or my FND will kick my own ass because I am brain damaged like that and that is just how my life works.  I did watch a video tonight on  YouTube that she recommended and I really got a lot out of it.  I'm not really brain damaged of course it's just that from a young age my brain wired itself for my survival and frankly I never had a chance.  So I take my cards as they are and do the best I can with what I got.  It was nice having some validation that my brain acts on it's own accord sometimes on a non verbal instinct level that I have no control over so that makes me feel a bit better.  Somedays I feel like I should just be okay, I'm 42 the last 5 or so years since I left my ex husband have been pretty damned good, yet every time I turn around lately it seems something is happening to trigger the shit out of me or bring up old fears or new fears and well God dammit I just want some fucking peace in my life is that to much to ask for.  Yep now I am on a whiney poor me bitch rant so time to stop.