just beginning

something changed since i talked to him. it feels more tender. part of it i think is because he is sick, and it triggers all my little maternal nurturers. but another part is that i felt like i said something i needed to say, and that was just that i had to look out for myself. there was more to it than that, of course, but i was responsible for my own feelings. and he was alert. he got involved in the conversation in such a participatory way. he shared, and didn't blame.
i was so stressed out and depressed before i said anything, and so afraid to say anything at all because i thought it could lead to disaster. but because i was careful and responsible, it didn't. and i had been blaming him inside for what i was experiencing before saying my piece, when it wasn't actually his fault, because it was my decision to wait, in spite of the circumstances, and my decision to be with him in this situation where i know i am prone to experiencing some wild situations.
learning to validate and own my feelings vs. walking on eggshells. practice makes pretty darn good, so i'll keep practicing. but i can never expect perfection. luckily, we talked about that.