July 25th
Hello SOTH - it has been a few days since I have written anything, however on daily to read the words of wisdom that always seems to comfort me.
I don't have any particular thing to bitch about, to "yay" about - just checkin in I guess in this crooked journey of losing a child. I so wish I wasn't on it.....Tomorrow 8 months since my daughter "transitioned to her new home". 8 months since I've talked to her. 8 months since seeing her. 8 months since feeling her skin. 8 months of not arguing about something....8 f*&^&*ing months. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I SOMETIMES CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I see her everywhere - the store, my place, my car, the freeway, every silver Toyota corolla on the freeway....EVERYWHERE.....she's not there at any of those places....every whistle of a text message is not going to be my daughter.....I may go to lunch with good friends, I may go to church, I may smile BUT underneath this façade I sometimes portray is a hurtning, cracked, empty heart because "hi mom" is not in my vocabulary anymore.......SIGH......Much love to you and I keep praying.....Vicki
I pray that I can be uplifting to someone one day....I feel like such a "downer"...sorry......
I don't have any particular thing to bitch about, to "yay" about - just checkin in I guess in this crooked journey of losing a child. I so wish I wasn't on it.....Tomorrow 8 months since my daughter "transitioned to her new home". 8 months since I've talked to her. 8 months since seeing her. 8 months since feeling her skin. 8 months of not arguing about something....8 f*&^&*ing months. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I SOMETIMES CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I see her everywhere - the store, my place, my car, the freeway, every silver Toyota corolla on the freeway....EVERYWHERE.....she's not there at any of those places....every whistle of a text message is not going to be my daughter.....I may go to lunch with good friends, I may go to church, I may smile BUT underneath this façade I sometimes portray is a hurtning, cracked, empty heart because "hi mom" is not in my vocabulary anymore.......SIGH......Much love to you and I keep praying.....Vicki
I pray that I can be uplifting to someone one day....I feel like such a "downer"...sorry......
Replies
The reality of the loss is SO HUGE and it\'s all the \"ordinary\" moments that our children are sorely missed, I know. You see Jennifer in everything...
You are going through the motions of living and it is necessary and as the moms kept telling me here, \"Fake it until you make it.\" The mask would be put on as I ventured out and even dodging the neighbors when I went out to get the mail as I just could not have them looking at me with such pity. It hurt... I felt so terribly uncomfortable in my own skin!
You are not a downer and how you are feeling matters and helps others who are walking beside you. This is where we come to share, to be real and to hope for some healing to be ours.
Holding you in my thoughts and prayers dear Vicki. I\'m SO sorry that any of us are having to walk this path, yet thank goodness we have one another. I always think of FMO as a soft place to land and gather myself.
Hand in hand and Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
I so agree with Joanie. This is one place to come and be listened to and understood. No need to have something to bitch or yay about. We are here for each other.
It is only now I can really enjoy myself in social situations. And there are still days when I would rather stay in bed and mourn.
We walk the same bumpy, rotten road.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
I used to be so manic about my phone...always wanted it close in case Cassi called or texted. We still haven\'t had her phone turned off. It was such a part of her, like an extension of her hand, she was always on it to the point of being rude sometimes.
This is hard Vicki...it is hard and heartbreaking and disgusting ...I\'ve had a bad day too.
Vicki, we are together on this journey. Both our Jennifer\'s received uncaring at the hands of those supposed to help. We will never be able to come to some answer for this. I pray for some peace for us. Knowing the girls are not suffering anymore is truly a comfort for me. I hope your weekend is better. Love, Kathy
News flash Vicki! You ARE NOT a downer to me. It is so the opposite. You are a kind word and observant eye. A voice of wisdom. A like minded, like wounded sister. When I start to sink over my head in this mire, you post something That I feel led to crawl out of my own pit to post on. It is when that happens that I can breathe and feel God\'s sun shining on us. Then, I get to see how He is trying to turn this horror into some kind of good for us. Let\'s be honest, there is no good in the loss of our kids. I think He is trying to use each of us for the others. That is the good in the aftermath. You are my good in the aftermath! Gratefully, Lauri
I understand darlin......it\'s SO, SO hard!!
Hugging you with my whole heart~~Teri
Oh how I long to hear...... mom,,,, mom,,,,, mom,,,,,, mom,,,,, until I would say what.... then I got HI !!! oh how I long for that phone,, the text,,,,,, oh,,, sigh,,,,, love ya!!
What I would give to hear Moma Dukes from my son.....
We all wear the mask. I remember those first months felt like an eternity, sometimes it still does. Your pain will be more manageable as time passes.
Sending tight hugs to get you through today, Penny
Oh we have all felt at sometime these feelings. At this time in my journey 3yrs September 27th it is still all about his leaving me. Seems I cannot get past that , don\'t know if that is normal if I am stuck. I to still can\'t believe that he is no longer here.
Tight hugs to you.
And yes I am learning to live with it all though it is painful. There is hope just keep listening to our Soths for they can give us hope .
Tight hugs to you.
Laura,
With tears in my eyes because you all are so amazing! Thanks for sharing your heart with me - I\'m someone who you only know through this site but reach out everytime to let \'liitle ole me\" IT\'S OKAY.. Much love to you this day. Vicki
You don\'t HAVE TO do anything for anyone...what you HAVE to do is allow yourself to grieve, to mourn, and find a way to survive it. EIGHT MONTHS is no time at all. It\'s been three years, four months and 24 days. I woke up briefly in the middle of the night after a millionth of a second long \"dream\" where I was sitting on the floor with my daughter opening Christmas presents, as we did every year especially as she obtained adulthood (she would hand me one, i would hand her one) and I realized I will never open another Christmas present with April. At least, not in this flesh. Those SOTH who are farther along here have kept me going, have given me a real hope that the horror recedes although the loss never does. I\'m only just BEGINNING to find out who I am and what I want to do. God bless you on your journey, never apologize to anyone, especially US, because each one of us knows your path by heart.
Warm, gentle hugs to you, my dear friend. xxx
I like your \"crooked journey\" turn of phrase. It is so very crooked and unexpected and we just go on the best we can because there is no other option. But at least we do so with this safe place to express our pain and get advice and know we are not alone. I wish you peace as you enter your ninth month of loss. I\'m not too far ahead of you and entering month 12 w/o my son. It\'s so hard some days. Take care.