journal entry

i don't know what to do or how to feel. i'm in an emotional limbo right now. chaos. of course, with HIM, this is nothing new. it's just that it seemed like we were getting better at being together, and now he wants to end it all. it was my choice to move to this city to be with him, but if he was considering all of this before why did he wait until i was up here to break it off? and is he really breaking it off or does he just not know how to react to my NOT blaming him or fighting with him? lerner was saying that a person who makes these personal changes should expect shit like this. well, she didn't say shit. changes and challenges from the other person. but i also have to accept that he may very well be leaving. all the love and compassion in the world won't make him stop having abandonment issues. 
he said that in a way he does think he would do better with a barefoot woman in the kitchen type. i honestly think he would be bored as shit, but that's not for me to say.
i don't know if i am going to stay here in portland. i really shoulda gone straight up to seattle, but i'm here for a year so i intend to live it up. 
i'm kind of really pissed off at life right now. i grew up in a society that told me i would fall in love, get married, have a family. well, i never wanted kids, and that's taken care of now. i used to say i never wanted to get married. but the thought of possibly not ever LIVING with the man i love ever again is really, well, dumbfounding. i want things between us to get better. he can't be cured, but i want him to be able to trust me... i miss him. i do like living alone right now, but i don't want it to be forever. and i don't want to "move on and find someone else." fuck that! this is my crazy maniac that i fell in love with and want to be with forever. even if we end up living three hours away from one another. i've been in love before and thought it was the happily ever after relationship, but i was still, in those other relationships, able to consider possibly moving on some day. but even with all the fucked up challenges and all the pain and the feelings i have that wobble around in confusion, there is something incredibly magical and otherworldly about our connection. although i will admit that a good portion of that connection has suffered what with all of the changes that have happened.
i just really miss him right now. i don't want to lose him and i sure as hell don't want to move on.