Joe and another rambling journal
I marked this entry as 'anxious'. I am concerned about Joe. He had a large blood clot in his leg in January. He has been on anticoagulants (rat poison) since then. His blood work has been coming back normal so the doctor said he could probably come of the meds. Joe asked if he should have another ultrasound to see if the clot had actually absorbed. The doctor wasn't too bothered but said he would order one. Well Joe went yesterday. He was late getting home (he went to the wrong clinic first) so I of course began to worry. Actually I was close to a panic attack. When he came in and said that he had gone to the wrong place and then had to wait, I felt much better.. until he said that the technician told him that he should go home as his doctor would likely be calling. That is not good news. The doctor never called so he called the doctor's office this morning. He has an appointment for tomorrow morning. I am not good with uncertainty.
I woke up this morning at 4 to the call of nature. Usually I go back to sleep but not this morning. I could have used some Ativan! I just feel agitated, despite the fact that we went to yoga last evening. I would have thought I'd be mellow.
As for yoga. We have the nicest teacher. He lives in the building next door and offers classes for free. My neighbour and I were invited to go as well. I do feel better after class (but not today).
I have been weepier of late. I think it is because December 1 is approaching. It will be 6 years. It was around this time in 2009 that Lisa and I started planning for her first Christmas back home in several years. It was not to be.
We were watching videos from years past and saw Lisa and Andrew growing up again. Lots of tears but good ones. It reminded me that she was a happy child.
Cevyn is doing well - she calls weekly now and we have good chats. She is hoping to rent a townhouse with 3 other people. Right now she is living with her friend and her mom. I guess Nicole and her mother have a tense relationship so I think it will be good for both girls. At least I hope so.
I think Cevyn will come here for Christmas, a quick trip - she said she really wants to. That will be our gift to her. She hasn't been here to see Andrew and Tiina since last Christmas. I asked if her dad and Beth are coming to spend Christmas with her family. Cevyn said she didn't know and hadn't spoken to her dad for a couple of weeks. It is sad - they were very close.
Well now that I have gotten that off my chest, I guess should go and clean the kitchen.
Lisa: I have gotten your message - Live Laugh Love - you have made sure that I couldn't miss it! I am doing my best. I miss you always and love you forever, Mummy
I woke up this morning at 4 to the call of nature. Usually I go back to sleep but not this morning. I could have used some Ativan! I just feel agitated, despite the fact that we went to yoga last evening. I would have thought I'd be mellow.
As for yoga. We have the nicest teacher. He lives in the building next door and offers classes for free. My neighbour and I were invited to go as well. I do feel better after class (but not today).
I have been weepier of late. I think it is because December 1 is approaching. It will be 6 years. It was around this time in 2009 that Lisa and I started planning for her first Christmas back home in several years. It was not to be.
We were watching videos from years past and saw Lisa and Andrew growing up again. Lots of tears but good ones. It reminded me that she was a happy child.
Cevyn is doing well - she calls weekly now and we have good chats. She is hoping to rent a townhouse with 3 other people. Right now she is living with her friend and her mom. I guess Nicole and her mother have a tense relationship so I think it will be good for both girls. At least I hope so.
I think Cevyn will come here for Christmas, a quick trip - she said she really wants to. That will be our gift to her. She hasn't been here to see Andrew and Tiina since last Christmas. I asked if her dad and Beth are coming to spend Christmas with her family. Cevyn said she didn't know and hadn't spoken to her dad for a couple of weeks. It is sad - they were very close.
Well now that I have gotten that off my chest, I guess should go and clean the kitchen.
Lisa: I have gotten your message - Live Laugh Love - you have made sure that I couldn't miss it! I am doing my best. I miss you always and love you forever, Mummy
Replies
I will keep Joe in my prayers & you too Marlene. It\'s so difficult the waiting & not knowing. Thank goodness Joe asked for another ultrasound. So hoping the appointment tomorrow brings about positive quick results.
I can understand how \"those times\" can make us more weepy. As you navigate through it yet again, I\'m hugging you so tight, hoping you feel all the love energy & compassion coming to you. Your sweet Lisa is forever remembered & loved.
Sounds like a wonderful idea for Cevyn to come home for a quick visit soon! I\'m so glad I got to meet her.....she is a sweetheart.
I absolutely love your Lisa\'s message \"Live Laugh Love\". Whenever I hear it from now on I will think of her.
Take care my precious friend.....I love you more than words can say.
I hate the waiting game - what we think is often way worse than the actual situation.....I will be thinking about you and Joe. ((((hugs))) Vicki
I hope everything goes smoothly. I am so glad that Joe thought to ask for another ultrasound. Praying for a clean report. Lauri
Marlene, I understand the feeling of apprehension that you feel. Whenever something happens to Dave or Chris, I just about panic. Waiting is so hard! If only doctors knew... (but then I don\'t know how their lives are either.) No matter how hard I try, I can\'t avoid the uneasiness of certain dates so I understand the \"doubled effect\" of apprehension. I will be thinking of you and your family during the next few days. Lisa, great job with the message getting through! Tight hugs, Leda
Sending good thoughts and prayers to you and Joe. Be sure to let us know what the doctor says....the waiting is the worse.
Waiting and wondering is awful! I also get very anxious in situations like these. I will pray for you and Joe, my friend.
Gentle hugs! xxx
The dr. hasn\'t called yet. That\'s good news. With bad news, they call quickly. So sorry for your worries. I, too, worry about my old husband. We know that statisically, wives outlive them. Joe is doing all he can to be well, as is Isaac. But our time is limited. Not such a bad thing. Hope I go before my mind does. Love You, dear soth, Dec. is still a long ways off. abby
We are feeling so vulnerable, knowing how painful loss is.....let\'s hope that when it comes, we are stronger and can live with it.
Finding the ability to practice patience, after what Joe shared with you can\'t be easy for anyone. I\'m sorry for what I\'m going to say here but what is running through my mind is the seemingly uncaring state the Doctor is showing. Joe having to suggest another scan? The tech telling Joe to go home, that his Doctor will be calling - then not calling. Damn it anyway! I know you will get through this day, and tomorrow, no matter what. So glad that you and Joe are on top of your own health. Please keep us posted with the results.
I\'m so glad that you have a good healthy relationship with Cevyn. She is so lucky to have you both. I have a feeling that her relationship with her dad will ebb and flow. There must be so many things unsaid and not understood.
I will trust that Lisa will come shining through as only she can. I am envious that you see signs from Lisa in so many different ways. I still remember fondly that tiny bird that came to sit with us at Crescent Beach.
Tightest of hugs my friend,
Merrilee
Dear Marlene: I hope your husband is going to be ok. When my husband had all that foot stuff i was so filled with anxiety. . Just try to keep busy, Sending you prayers Joe , Bles your precious Angel Lisa. > Big tight Hug and Love for you and Joe .,
Praying for Joe to have a good outcome. Hugs to you while you wait. Love, Kathy
Good point Abby...if it was bad news the doctor would have been quick to respond!! We can\'t tell you not to worry because you will anyway...
Totally understand being \"weepy\"...but usually those days we are so afraid of turn out softer than we expect them to.
The doctor called today. He increased Joe\'s dose of Warfarin. He has an appointment tomorrow. I told Joe that I am going with him. He said \"I know\".
Actually his doctor has been very good. I think he really believed the clot had been absorbed.
I am feeling better now - I had a nap and then went for a walk with my friend. I will be fine, no matter what. I have my ups and downs.
I have a dear friend who once told me that I was a stubborn little Finlander who doesn\'t know how to take no for an answer. Finns have a word to describe our attitude towards life \"Sisu\". We are tough when we need to be,
Thank you all for being there for me. I feel privileged to have so many caring SOTH!
I will be thinking of the two of you as you go the appointment and all of these life issues we face as best as we are able. Of course you felt anxious and I know even waiting for results of blood work or a mammogram can send me out into the ethers too. As Lauri reminds us our SS (shit shield) can feel shredded or heavily reinforced depending upon what is going on within our hearts.
Hoping you sleep better tonight and that you can quiet those thoughts. Not always easy to do, yet possible...
Let us know how it goes and you have ALL your soths with YOU and of course your dear Lisa in the lead.
Much love dearest Marlene and abundant healing for your Joe,
XO Joanie
Many prayers for Joe, and for you too sweet, stubborn Finn! (I may have a little Finlander in me too, LOL!)
Hoping all works out for Cevyn to join you for Christmas and wishing her good luck on the move. Tell her I said HI....I truly enjoyed meeting her! The girls got spunk...I like that!
The weepy times come and go for me too. Guess they always will. And like you, I\'m just \"tough enough\", just \"stubborn\" enough, to get through it all.
Love you bunches and oodles~~Teri