Jennifer
Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer - it seems like you are ever present in my mind this morning. it was this very week that you went into the hospital to "rest", "get hydrated", "re-coup", after your 17 weeks of Chemo that you handled with a smile each & every time. Day 1 of your hospital stay, you were becoming more lethargic, even though your Pet scan showed NO TUMORS.....You had been healed like you always knew God could do....so again, you were just resting up. As I sat next to you @ your bed trying to talk at times, feed you, you were trying to put words together but they came out jumbled?!? What was that about, I ask myself? The nurse in me completely shut down, but I felt something was wrong....I began to question the Dr., nurses, anyone would listen...look at her...her eyes would not focus, she would say occasionally "hi Mom" then quickly fall back to sleep.....Then the Dr. contacted me and said "she was just tired, too many edibles for her headache" - how could you eat these edibles when you were clean & sober for 16 years???? I was so mad at you!!! I'm sorry, please forgive me, my darling daughter. I think I knew you were slipping from me .......
I would stay with you every day until 9 or 10 go home to take care of your dog and do it all again the next day, hoping I would walk into that hospital room and see you sitting up, getting stronger - wanting to go home......selfish isn't it? I wanted you Jennifer to stay, to be here for ME!! your mom who needs you so much......
Well, Day 4, I walked into the room, they had placed foley catheter, because you could not walk to the bathroom, your eyes not focusing....I yelled- something is wrong....Within 5 minutes, the Neurologist was there along with the trauma nurses evaluating you - you would not respond to saying of your name, Jennifer....I was yelling, honey, it's your mom.....NOTHING......you were transferred immediately to Neuro ICU and after they hooked you up to EEG, picc line, etc....I walked into the room and you said 'HI MOM', closed your eyes and I never heard another word. The next couple of days was a blur - they were trying to figure out what was wrong - Herpatic encephalitis? Brain infection of some sort......because, honey, your brain was swelling, causing your brain stem to herniate.......You had anitibiotics hanging on each side of you...no seizure activity was determined....then WHAT was wrong? You were placed on a ventilator because you were losing your ability to swallow......Finally, a diagnosis, Leptomenigeal cancer....your cancer had crossed the spinal column...cancer cells in your spinal fluid washing your precious, complicated, brain in diseased cancer fluid.....You had probably had this for about 6 weeks - that was the reason for your headaches that you began having, the change in your gait that last week. Oh my Jennifer, I'm so sorry you had to suffer like that -I would have fixed it if I could - I would have kissed it away if I could - I prayed.......but the neurologist was so sweet when he said, I'm sorry....prognosis is not good - Jennifer's brain stem is hearniated - her ability to breathe on her own has been taken away. Her oncologist on the other hand, said "we are done here", call your mortuary, if only I had seen her sooner" - REALLY, YOU :!@??.....so much for bedside manner. So, Jennifer there you have it - You left this world and all it's ugliness and the demons you fought so hard. You finally got your castle in the sky with your prince, Jesus.
I miss you, I'm thinking about you every second this week and on Thanksgiving (11/26) marks your angel day and I will try with every fiber in me to be thankful....thankful that I was your mom for 35 years, thankful for what you taught me, thankful that I knew you. Thankful that you gave me a grandson......Thankful....I love you with every beat of my heart.
Soth - I felt the need to write. This is the only place I can share and I know you get it. I know you see my heart and are standing with me. Sending as much love as I can give today to you all this Thanksgiving season. (((((hugs)))))Vicki
I would stay with you every day until 9 or 10 go home to take care of your dog and do it all again the next day, hoping I would walk into that hospital room and see you sitting up, getting stronger - wanting to go home......selfish isn't it? I wanted you Jennifer to stay, to be here for ME!! your mom who needs you so much......
Well, Day 4, I walked into the room, they had placed foley catheter, because you could not walk to the bathroom, your eyes not focusing....I yelled- something is wrong....Within 5 minutes, the Neurologist was there along with the trauma nurses evaluating you - you would not respond to saying of your name, Jennifer....I was yelling, honey, it's your mom.....NOTHING......you were transferred immediately to Neuro ICU and after they hooked you up to EEG, picc line, etc....I walked into the room and you said 'HI MOM', closed your eyes and I never heard another word. The next couple of days was a blur - they were trying to figure out what was wrong - Herpatic encephalitis? Brain infection of some sort......because, honey, your brain was swelling, causing your brain stem to herniate.......You had anitibiotics hanging on each side of you...no seizure activity was determined....then WHAT was wrong? You were placed on a ventilator because you were losing your ability to swallow......Finally, a diagnosis, Leptomenigeal cancer....your cancer had crossed the spinal column...cancer cells in your spinal fluid washing your precious, complicated, brain in diseased cancer fluid.....You had probably had this for about 6 weeks - that was the reason for your headaches that you began having, the change in your gait that last week. Oh my Jennifer, I'm so sorry you had to suffer like that -I would have fixed it if I could - I would have kissed it away if I could - I prayed.......but the neurologist was so sweet when he said, I'm sorry....prognosis is not good - Jennifer's brain stem is hearniated - her ability to breathe on her own has been taken away. Her oncologist on the other hand, said "we are done here", call your mortuary, if only I had seen her sooner" - REALLY, YOU :!@??.....so much for bedside manner. So, Jennifer there you have it - You left this world and all it's ugliness and the demons you fought so hard. You finally got your castle in the sky with your prince, Jesus.
I miss you, I'm thinking about you every second this week and on Thanksgiving (11/26) marks your angel day and I will try with every fiber in me to be thankful....thankful that I was your mom for 35 years, thankful for what you taught me, thankful that I knew you. Thankful that you gave me a grandson......Thankful....I love you with every beat of my heart.
Soth - I felt the need to write. This is the only place I can share and I know you get it. I know you see my heart and are standing with me. Sending as much love as I can give today to you all this Thanksgiving season. (((((hugs)))))Vicki
Replies
Oh Vicki...I fell like I could have written this ....only my Shell left me in a car accident....I miss her so much and now that Thanksgiving is coming I just last nite remembered how much we did for Thanksgiving as we would sit down for dinner I would play Johnny Mathis Christmas music.....and my youngest daughter does not want to celebrate holidays anymore.....but you are right that I am thankful for the time God gave her to me and her son and.....xxoo
Write, write, write...do anything and everything that feels right to you. You deserve it after suffering such a trauma. I\'m so sorry...I am so damn sorry. You would have done anything in the world to save her, she knows that.
These damn holidays, used to be the best time of the year and now are times we simply try to get through...maybe one day we will be able to celebrate them again.
It is in the remembering that the healing comes dearest Vicki and that is what you are doing. Sharing your heart, your Jennifer, is so very important and I will always be here ready to listen...
This time of year brings with it SO many memories, I know, and to have had Jennifer in your life for 35 years IS the gift. To learn how to live without this gift earth side becomes our work and oh, what a different feeling I have now about my own death. I saw both my mom and dad welcome it because they knew my brother, Rick, was waiting to catch them. I will never, ever forget it...
Be ever so gentle with that beautiful heart of yours dearest friend and your beloved Jennifer is forever remembered.
With love,
XO Joanie
(((HUGS)))
Gentle hugs, dearest Vicki. xxx
Jennifer knows you love her & would have saved her if you could have. But I know you\'re glad to be her forever Mom & that she had a child. In that sense, you\'re lucky. But I don\'t think it\'s fortunate about all the grieving we do. I really wonder if any SOTH\'s child would want us to grieve. There\'s not much way to stop it, though, especially with the holidays here. I\'ll be thinking of you all this month, & most of all when Jennifer\'s Angel Day comes \'round.
Love you,
Donna
Oh Vicki I am so sorry that this is surfacing so strongly..we think we might just be getting a handle ..then bam ...those end day memories just creep up. I love you and will be praying for peace...
Yes Vicki....we totally understand your broken heart. Come here often as you feel the need, we are always here. You are in my prayers dear friend, that these days will be as gentle as possible. Hugging you extra tight.
Oh Vicki I am so sorry! Those words seem so crappy and small but know I send strength and positive thoughts to you.
As SOTH we have all been and are going thru what you are. We are members of a very special group of ladies who stand tall n proud for our \"babies\" thru thick and thin and fight with all we have to get through just one minute of our day. Or I do anyway.
Hugs
Vicki,
There is nothing I can do or say but I do get it. I can\'t imagine how agonizing those days were for you but do know that it hurts, desperately! I am glad you wrote and shared some of your experience with us. I am glad that you too feel the gratitude for all our children brought to us in their short lives. Gratitude was taught to me by one of my old principals who had lost a child years earlier and I grasped it with all I could, knowing what she had been through and knowing she understood. Sending love and prayers your way, Leda
I feel your pain, in each word of this journal!! I am so sorry, for what you and Jennifer went through. My late husband Sam had esophageal cancer and it spread to his blood and spinal fluid too. I remember the horrible headaches, before his death. Sending lots of love and hugs your way...
((((HUGS)))), Julia
I am so sorry Vicki. Love and tight hugs, Paula
I am with you in this horror. Peace,Kathy
Writing this with tears, I am so sorry and feel your pain. Tightest of ((((hugs))) . Sending love and light your way. Thank you for sharing,
Dear, dear heartbroken friend....the tears stream as I read this. OH how my heart ache for you, and with you. Precious Jennifer, fighting so bravely. I\'m so sorry. I wish I could be there to hold you and cry with you. I am holding your heart in mine, and our tears run together. I know this was very hard for you to write; thank you. I pray you feel some measure of release and peace by sharing your heart with us.