Jennifer
Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer - it seems like you are ever present in my mind this morning. it was this very week that you went into the hospital to "rest", "get hydrated", "re-coup", after your 17 weeks of Chemo that you handled with a smile each & every time. Day 1 of your hospital stay, you were becoming more lethargic, even though your Pet scan showed NO TUMORS.....You had been healed like you always knew God could do....so again, you were just resting up. As I sat next to you @ your bed trying to talk at times, feed you, you were trying to put words together but they came out jumbled?!? What was that about, I ask myself? The nurse in me completely shut down, but I felt something was wrong....I began to question the Dr., nurses, anyone would listen...look at her...her eyes would not focus, she would say occasionally "hi Mom" then quickly fall back to sleep.....Then the Dr. contacted me and said "she was just tired, too many edibles for her headache" - how could you eat these edibles when you were clean & sober for 16 years???? I was so mad at you!!! I'm sorry, please forgive me, my darling daughter. I think I knew you were slipping from me .......
I would stay with you every day until 9 or 10 go home to take care of your dog and do it all again the next day, hoping I would walk into that hospital room and see you sitting up, getting stronger - wanting to go home......selfish isn't it? I wanted you Jennifer to stay, to be here for ME!! your mom who needs you so much......
Well, Day 4, I walked into the room, they had placed foley catheter, because you could not walk to the bathroom, your eyes not focusing....I yelled- something is wrong....Within 5 minutes, the Neurologist was there along with the trauma nurses evaluating you - you would not respond to saying of your name, Jennifer....I was yelling, honey, it's your mom.....NOTHING......you were transferred immediately to Neuro ICU and after they hooked you up to EEG, picc line, etc....I walked into the room and you said 'HI MOM', closed your eyes and I never heard another word. The next couple of days was a blur - they were trying to figure out what was wrong - Herpatic encephalitis? Brain infection of some sort......because, honey, your brain was swelling, causing your brain stem to herniate.......You had anitibiotics hanging on each side of you...no seizure activity was determined....then WHAT was wrong? You were placed on a ventilator because you were losing your ability to swallow......Finally, a diagnosis, Leptomenigeal cancer....your cancer had crossed the spinal column...cancer cells in your spinal fluid washing your precious, complicated, brain in diseased cancer fluid.....You had probably had this for about 6 weeks - that was the reason for your headaches that you began having, the change in your gait that last week. Oh my Jennifer, I'm so sorry you had to suffer like that -I would have fixed it if I could - I would have kissed it away if I could - I prayed.......but the neurologist was so sweet when he said, I'm sorry....prognosis is not good - Jennifer's brain stem is hearniated - her ability to breathe on her own has been taken away. Her oncologist on the other hand, said "we are done here", call your mortuary, if only I had seen her sooner" - REALLY, YOU :!@??.....so much for bedside manner. So, Jennifer there you have it - You left this world and all it's ugliness and the demons you fought so hard. You finally got your castle in the sky with your prince, Jesus.
I miss you, I'm thinking about you every second this week and on Thanksgiving (11/26) marks your angel day and I will try with every fiber in me to be thankful....thankful that I was your mom for 35 years, thankful for what you taught me, thankful that I knew you. Thankful that you gave me a grandson......Thankful....I love you with every beat of my heart.
Soth - I felt the need to write. This is the only place I can share and I know you get it. I know you see my heart and are standing with me. Sending as much love as I can give today to you all this Thanksgiving season. (((((hugs)))))Vicki
I would stay with you every day until 9 or 10 go home to take care of your dog and do it all again the next day, hoping I would walk into that hospital room and see you sitting up, getting stronger - wanting to go home......selfish isn't it? I wanted you Jennifer to stay, to be here for ME!! your mom who needs you so much......
Well, Day 4, I walked into the room, they had placed foley catheter, because you could not walk to the bathroom, your eyes not focusing....I yelled- something is wrong....Within 5 minutes, the Neurologist was there along with the trauma nurses evaluating you - you would not respond to saying of your name, Jennifer....I was yelling, honey, it's your mom.....NOTHING......you were transferred immediately to Neuro ICU and after they hooked you up to EEG, picc line, etc....I walked into the room and you said 'HI MOM', closed your eyes and I never heard another word. The next couple of days was a blur - they were trying to figure out what was wrong - Herpatic encephalitis? Brain infection of some sort......because, honey, your brain was swelling, causing your brain stem to herniate.......You had anitibiotics hanging on each side of you...no seizure activity was determined....then WHAT was wrong? You were placed on a ventilator because you were losing your ability to swallow......Finally, a diagnosis, Leptomenigeal cancer....your cancer had crossed the spinal column...cancer cells in your spinal fluid washing your precious, complicated, brain in diseased cancer fluid.....You had probably had this for about 6 weeks - that was the reason for your headaches that you began having, the change in your gait that last week. Oh my Jennifer, I'm so sorry you had to suffer like that -I would have fixed it if I could - I would have kissed it away if I could - I prayed.......but the neurologist was so sweet when he said, I'm sorry....prognosis is not good - Jennifer's brain stem is hearniated - her ability to breathe on her own has been taken away. Her oncologist on the other hand, said "we are done here", call your mortuary, if only I had seen her sooner" - REALLY, YOU :!@??.....so much for bedside manner. So, Jennifer there you have it - You left this world and all it's ugliness and the demons you fought so hard. You finally got your castle in the sky with your prince, Jesus.
I miss you, I'm thinking about you every second this week and on Thanksgiving (11/26) marks your angel day and I will try with every fiber in me to be thankful....thankful that I was your mom for 35 years, thankful for what you taught me, thankful that I knew you. Thankful that you gave me a grandson......Thankful....I love you with every beat of my heart.
Soth - I felt the need to write. This is the only place I can share and I know you get it. I know you see my heart and are standing with me. Sending as much love as I can give today to you all this Thanksgiving season. (((((hugs)))))Vicki
Replies
Oh Vicki. Thank you for sharing. I wish I could be there to give you a hug. Precious Jennifer. It is just not right!
Being a nurse doesn\'t help. We feel that we should have been able to do something; in all honesty, it does us no good - it won\'t change the outcome. Damn!
Please don\'t hesitate to come here and express your feelings. This time of year sucks big time.
Love and tight hugs, M
Dear Vicki: I know what you went through, I saw my treated so AFFULL a 81 DAYS TO DIE. EVERY DAY JUST LIKE YOUR PRECIOUS DAUGHTER MY DAUGHTER WAS SO DRUGGED B LEEDI NG CATHERS ALL I CAN SAY I FEEL YOUR PAIN TO SEE OUR DAUGHTERS SUFFERING SO M UCH. AND ALL I COULD DO WAS WATCH . THEN I GOT THE CALL SHE WAS DYING. I WAS TO LATE SHE HAD DIED FROM LUPUS. SO BLESS OUR ANGELS LOVE AND HUGS M ARY ANN
The Holidays bring more pain. My son always helped with dinners and played the kids. Our children are greatly missed but around this time of year it seems worse. My sons Angel date is coming next month, so here we go on a downward spiral for the next few months.
I hope your heart is mending, it takes time and many tears.
Tight hugs
Penny