Jason's friends and classmates
I was thinking about some of Jason's friends and classmates yesterday and decided it would lift my spirits if I looked them up on FB to see how they are doing.
When I found them and read about their accomplishments, jobs, marriages, etc. I shocked myself by feeling resentment instead of happiness for them. I absolutely hate myself for feeling this way and cant understand how I could feel like this.
I though of all that Jason will miss out on in life. No college graduation, no job, no marriage, no kids, and on and on.
Instead of making myself feel better, I became so depressed I had to get out of FB and stop the search.
I adore each and everyone of the kids I looked up, and want only the best for them, but still cant explain why I felt the way I did.
When I found them and read about their accomplishments, jobs, marriages, etc. I shocked myself by feeling resentment instead of happiness for them. I absolutely hate myself for feeling this way and cant understand how I could feel like this.
I though of all that Jason will miss out on in life. No college graduation, no job, no marriage, no kids, and on and on.
Instead of making myself feel better, I became so depressed I had to get out of FB and stop the search.
I adore each and everyone of the kids I looked up, and want only the best for them, but still cant explain why I felt the way I did.
Replies
Oh, I totally get that - the only people I am friends with on Facebook are my other children and husband for that very reason. I don\'t know whether that makes me shallow, jealous or what - and I don\'t care! I just know that to read about what all David\'s friends are doing now, and he is not, would be very painful and sad for me. I wish everybody a good, long, happy life but I don\'t want to have to read about it on Facebook. So I don\'t. It\'s all so difficult, isn\'t it? You take care ~ Joanna x
Katrina your feelings a normal for a mother who must walk this path that we have been forced upon, please know that these feelings do not make you a bad person, you are just a mother who loves and misses their child. Please try and see the wonderful mother that Jason saw every time he looked at you and know that you are not alone! Big gentle hugs...Kathy
Katrina, I think it\'s natural to be saddened by what your child won\'t experience while being genuinely happy for others. These feelings feel so conflicted but are entirely understandable. Love to you and Jason, Linda
We feel robbed that we did not get to see our child experience the joys of marriage children and basic life. It is so natural to feel saddened by their joy because we as Moms don\'t have that joy with our child (ren).
Hugs
Penny
I am sure it is difficult knowing that you will not see your child accomplish the dreams you had for him...the dreams we all have....and knowing that it will never be...it would be normal to feel the way you did....I remember those feeling when the kids dad was given six months to live how I resented seeing elderly people holding hands as they strolled down the streets or shopping...I believe it is a normal response....sadness of what could have been
Hi Katrina, I rarely get round to reading journals on here these days. I guess alot of that is because I feel sad and all those same feelings you have written about. All those same feelings of loss, of being ripped off and of course a depressing & guilt ridden kind of resentment however gentle and not malicious ... it is still always there hurting deeply. ... we cant help feeling loss as deep as that. I even find it hard to read much on here as my Tamzin died too young to have had any children, although he wanted lots. So all the grandchildren references on here hurt too ( i say feeling ashamed).. I certainly appreciate how important they are for any bereaved mother\'s recovery. I have really tried to cope and be strong too, and I have kept up contact with Tamzin\'s old friends and their little children, but it doesnt help at all. I just feel desperately sad about all the things you wrote about too. It\'s OK. You are normal. Im sorry its hard for you too. Just dont feel bad about it its really Ok. I hope you recover well and fast from your surgeries & can get around easily very soon Katrina. With Love, Kriss XXX