Jason's friends and classmates
I was thinking about some of Jason's friends and classmates yesterday and decided it would lift my spirits if I looked them up on FB to see how they are doing.
When I found them and read about their accomplishments, jobs, marriages, etc. I shocked myself by feeling resentment instead of happiness for them. I absolutely hate myself for feeling this way and cant understand how I could feel like this.
I though of all that Jason will miss out on in life. No college graduation, no job, no marriage, no kids, and on and on.
Instead of making myself feel better, I became so depressed I had to get out of FB and stop the search.
I adore each and everyone of the kids I looked up, and want only the best for them, but still cant explain why I felt the way I did.
When I found them and read about their accomplishments, jobs, marriages, etc. I shocked myself by feeling resentment instead of happiness for them. I absolutely hate myself for feeling this way and cant understand how I could feel like this.
I though of all that Jason will miss out on in life. No college graduation, no job, no marriage, no kids, and on and on.
Instead of making myself feel better, I became so depressed I had to get out of FB and stop the search.
I adore each and everyone of the kids I looked up, and want only the best for them, but still cant explain why I felt the way I did.
Replies
Katrina, I think what you are going through is completely normal. Of course you don\'t wish anything bad on Jason\'s old friends! I think we all feel cheated out of what we missed and what our children missed out on in life. This is not an easy path and it is filled with ambivalence and envy. Please do not be harsh on yourself, you are not a bad person for missing and loving your son!
Sending hugs of compassion and understanding,
Leda
I understand, I sometimes watch the TV show, Say Yes to the Dress and get upset occasionally that my ShellBell never got to be a bride....I think it is just being a good Mom and wanting it all for our kids....xxoo gretch
I fully understand with all my heart what you are describing dearest Katrina. Please do not take yourself out for floggings out behind the wood shed for having human emotions and feelings. That is what they are and I suspect each of us in our own way will always be aware of this, I know I am.
Adoring those children that are friends of Jason\'s and feeling a sadness for what you will not get to see Jason enjoying and living go hand in hand. I feel those pangs too when I see pictures of Doug\'s friends with their wives, children... Deepest of sighs.
Just knowing that your feelings are yours and that they are neither right nor wrong but simply just are is the wiggle room and grace that I believe we must gift ourselves with again and again.
Gentle care and much tenderness as you continue to heal and understanding that what you are feeling is part of this human path. There is not a mom on this site that hasn\'t or won\'t feel just what you are describing.
Hand in hand and Heart to heart with SO much understanding.
XO Joanie
I get it too. It\'s not that I am not happy for the accomplishments and lives that Jeff\'s friends are leading, its that I wanted my Jeff to live.
I know you are happy and proud of Jason\'s friends, but we all are human and if we all have those feelings that you admitted to having. I am so happy that my Jeff\'s girls have a step dad that loves them, but sometimes I just want to scream and I get so mad because he is raising them and not my Jeff.
Much love and big hugs to you,
Nell
My dear friend, I understand what you are going through, because I have similar emotions about some situations in life. My Colleen was Down Syndrome, and whenever I see friends posts on facebook of Down Syndrome children, it upsets me terribly! Then I get angry, sometimes even bitter, and I end up crying. I don\'t understand my emotions either, but I know that they come from a still broken heart. Certain small things or situations can instantly remove the soft skin that started to cover our deep hurt. And then we \"bleed\" again, almost like in the beginning. These emotions are part of who we are, and we are all only human. Be gentle with yourself, because Jason\'s mom is an amazing mom!! xxx
Dear Katrina, do not beat yourself up! It is perfectly normal to have these feelings. My son\'s girlfriend at the time of his death (who participated in all that happened) has gone on to marry and have a child. I choose not to follow her at all on FB or anywhere else, as it hurts too much.
XOXO Belinda
Katrina, There is nothing wrong with or inappropriate in how you felt when seeing and learning his friends are continuing on in \"this\" life or the pain you feel in knowing Jason will not experience those things in this life here on earth. Please know that there truly is Heaven and your Jason is there, continuing to LIVE his life in the most beautiful and fulfilling ways, surrounded by Love so complete we cannot imagine. All our children are there and ALL are happy, content, complete, and very much loved. What is here is only temporary and does not compare to that dimension they now live called Heaven, our ultimate destiny. And are doing what they were destined to do - in Heaven. I can imagine you feel as you do when seeing Jason\'s friends going through life is because it reminds you that \"life goes on\" without him. But the truth of the matter is that Jason is the one truly living and he IS going on. I believe the way we interpret things or how we see things is where our focus will be and ultimately how we feel about something. Sometimes we get stuck in tunnel vision and need to expand our view. I hope I am making sense. I personally had to give up Facebook to move forward because Alyssa\'s friends and teachers etc were always there. it was like seeing pictures all the time with an empty space where Alyssa should have been and wasn\'t. Much Love and Peace to you. Dee xoxo
I\'m right there with you. When I see on FB that another friend is getting married or having a child or has a new job it makes me sad. Why didn\'t our sons get to do all those things? And I guess that will always be the big unanswered question. Now I guard my heart and seldom look.
Gentle hugs for you and Jason,
Debbie
I have done the very same thing and then down I go....It is such a fine line that we walk and crossing that line for something that we think will lift our spirits only has us feeling depressed. I am so sorry. Of course you wish Jason\'s friends the best but it is so painful that you are not looking @ Jason\'s facebook too.
Don\'t beat yourself up - it\'s normal to want Jason there in those pictures and want those things his friends have. Be gentle on yourself. (((hugs))) Vicki
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Same here, it\'s brutal.
Katrina, from the number of thoughtful responses to your journal you can tell you hit a nerve. That\'s because we have all felt what you are feeling. Raising Max in the town in which I grew up and never left resulted in my being surrounded by his friends all the time. It\'s a big reason why my husband and I sold our house and moved. I couldn\'t stand seeing everyone so happy while I was feeling wretched - and then guilty on top of that for my feelings. It\'s been 8 years since I lost Max and I can honestly say the move has helped a great deal. I know not everyone can do that and I feel lucky that it worked out for us. I find when I am filled with feelings of regret, sadness and yes, jealousy for those whose lives seem to march blissfully forward I close my eyes, go deeply inside myself past all my regrets and sadness, past the things I wish I\'d done differently into the core of my soul to the center of my being which is pure love for my son and all of his friends. I feel your pain and hope you will reach a peaceful place soon.
Gari
Dear Katrina. I feel like you amd other moms. I don.t get angery I just get so sad. Of all the things my daughter did.nt get to do. She loved computers smart phone now her anf I would have so much fun. Bu Ihave also gotten anger. I will always have an empty life now. But you are not alone. I hope your feeling better. Big hugd and love MaryAnn
I am the same way,,, I call it jealous... I am so jealous and I hate it,,, I love Morgan\'s friends,,, but,,,, on my but.....love ya!
I also feel this way. It\'s not that I don\'t want them to be happy and do good things but it makes me so sad to think David will never get married or have babies or do any of the things he dreamed of. It just hurts. Hugs, Paula
I too am with you in these feelings. My son-in-law remarried and has a little boy. I am truly happy for him but what I don\'t understand why couldn\'t we have just been friends. I would love to hear from him and all the friends to say hello Seeing all their lives on facebook is adds to the loneliness of our life. Hugs, Kathy xoxox