Its Friday
So today has been ok, I feel so much about feeling ok? It seems to soon to have ok days. It just makes me feel like it would hurt her feelings. Yesterday was another bad day and night, My husband I can tell is getting inpatient already with me, at least that is what it seems. He is back to working out again and doing everything he use to. He says he chooses to live happy?? I felt very offended that he is able to be happy, it just seems impossible to me. I almost feel like a bad mom even trying to feel ok, then I feel like a bad wife/mother/daughter/friend being so upset all the time. I just cant get a break. I just want my baby back. My life back. I wish I could just hear Marissa tell me she wants me to live a good life and that she is happy where she is , I want to hear her voice say that. To be honest this still does not seem like its reality. I feel like I am on pause and things will be normal again. This morning one of my friends called me( She is also a co worker) and had the nerve to act as if her feelings were hurt because I haven't been talking much and she felt like she was losing me....I was really pissed, I lost my daughter! Forever! Like I feel like chit chat, especially about petty complaints with her life, well her kids are alive and well. Why cant people just try to understand....
Replies
Tightest hugs... it\'s one thing to be drowning in the grief of losing your child. It compounds things when, as a couple, your differences become real bones of contention.
I have known couples that the death of a child either brings them closer together than ever and couples that, not being able to cope, their marriage becomes another loss. I hope that you and your husband find a way, perhaps through counselling to support and respect each other through this journey.
I will not make excuses for people who try to manipulate you (or I). For anyone to think they have the right to pull rank on a Mother who is grieving the loss of a child is inexcusable. I often have to remind myself that I no longer live in the same world as they do and simply walk away. I don\'t have the energy to deal with petty crap and people\'s \"hurt feelings\".
Acknowledging your feelings, even if they don\'t make any sense, is so important. It\'s ok to have an ok day! My mistake was assuming that if I had one ok day then I had \"turned the corner\". HAH! Usually for me, one ok day was followed by a week of non-stop tears, and that too seems to have softened a bit. this is a lifelong journey. Period.
sending incredibly tight hugs...,
Merrilee
There is no timetable for grieving. It is absolutely okay to feel okay.
Many men cope by burying their emotions. They find ways to ignore reality. Some drink, others clam up etc. It sounds like your husband is using working out to cope. Men are conditioned to be strong - showing emotion to many is a sign of weakness.
My husband is very quiet he\'s the clam. I have had to practically hog tie him to understand whether his distance was anger with me. He wants to be Mr. Fixit. We are not fixable. After 5 years, we are good. I try to cry when he is not around because I know it hurts. He misses Lisa as much as I do and cries when he\'s alone. Men say that women are complicated - I beg to differ.
As for friends - I have some who have avoided me. Like you, I just didn\'t have the energy. Luckily, I had very good friends who put up with me. I don\'t think you need to justify your feelings. Merrilee is absolutely right, But if you want to be friends, I would tell her that since you lost Marissa, you are no longer the same person. It is not personal.
Hang in my friend.
Love and tight hugs,
Marlene
Marlene gives you very good advice. We\'re five years down the road, and thank G-d, we are less emotive. We\'re still together. We grieve differently. He couldn\'t listen to music. Now we both can, again. Time does help with the sharpness of the pain, the acceptance of the loss takes a long time. You\'re doing just as well as you can. Let your husband know this, and show him that you love him and are so sorry for his loss, too. We are changed forever. Love, hugs, Abby
Yes we grieve differently and that is okay as long as each one can respect the other. Every couple has to work on this as Abby is right, we are changed forever. Wishing you both some peace. Hugs, Kathy xoxox
the not talking.... ha... I get that from my mother..... still after 5 years..... but oh well... I got use to it..... love and hugs....
Of all the things our family has been through, losing our son (and brother) was the hardest. My husband did try the Mr. FixIt routine as well. We just acknowledged each other\'s feelings and proceeded with our own. We got through it, somehow. I felt guilty with the \"ok days\" too, but I know my son would not have wanted me to cry. In our society we unfortunately ignore the loved ones who have passed a couple weeks after someone is gone. As mothers we cannot forget our children and somewhat envy others who can go on not understanding at all how we feel. Sending love, Leda
Actually, when people complain about stupid stuff - their kid\'s petty issues, I often say - \'hey, they are alive and growing.....I\'d do anything to have Seth back with these problems\'. It shuts them up and more importantly, I hope it helps them to appreciate their kids. I don\'t think there\'s anything wrong with that - everyone needs a wake up call. Perhaps one of the blessings in losing our kids, if any, is the appreciation for life and the short time we are here. I don\'t mind passing along that message.
It took me a long time to get over feeling guilty for having an \"ok\" or do I daresay \"happy\" moment - I would say \"Sorry Doug\". But I\'ve come to realize that he wants me to live my life not totally in sorrow, just as if the tables were turned we would want our child to enjoy life the best they could. I had a phase where every day I would try to do just one little thing to nurture myself - a bubble bath, light a candle, read...just something to escape the grief and be good to myself. You will find your way through this. Sue xo
None of my coworkers \"get it\" luckily I teach in a portable and don\'t interact that much with anyone. My students are more understanding than adults \"very sad\" I have had so many people say the most insensitive things. I just blow it off, but it makes me angry and upset on the inside. Sometimes I want to say something rude back, but haven\'t done that.
Chris
So darn tough. My husband is a great guy, but we rarely talk about how we feel about losing Jackson because it makes us feel even worse. We can talk about him, but not about the pain of losing him. We actually support each other better without talking about that. There\'s no way to know what will work and I hope you and your husband can figure out how to be there for you even if you are grieving differently. Crazy friends, crazy coworkers -- no one who has been here can know. I keep telling myself that when I get so angry at how idiotic or forgetful the rest of the world seems. I keep trying to remember that -- darn hard to do so. Wishing you some peace.