It's been a while...

It's been a while, no doubt about it. I've been attending counselling consistently, I just haven't felt the urge or desire to write out my thoughts prior or reflections afterwards.

This weekend, I've felt empty, dark. I can feel the depression latching on, digging in. I've postponed a shower by at least 3 hours now, for no reason other than not wanting to get up. The thought of doing any activity is daunting. Even the thought of eating was daunting, despite my hunger. I was able to fight it, with the only compromise I could agree to - eating meant I could delay my shower by another episode. That episode ended, and hear I am, delaying again.

So what triggered this depression to hit? Truthfully, it feels like the post-sex depression I've felt in the past. When it's too intense, too good, my hormones seem to crash and send me spiraling. Perhaps it's the result of a deep routed sense of guilt and shame around sex and my lack of desire. Sexual intensity reminds me of my trauma history, memories pop in with specific strokes and I'm back in that basement. The days that follow, I have zero desire to engage. I start shutting down, then I feel guilty for shutting down, and the depression sinks it's teeth in. Another layer of guilt piles on, when I begin to fantasize about past sexual encounters, extremely pleasurable ones, that didn't have mobility impairments... Or when I miss an ex, and the connection we had... Or even just fantasizing about a harmless spark that occurred with someone else entirely. Layers of guilt and shame seek to destroy my ability to be sexually pleasured. The layers continue into my infertility... My inability to carry a pregnancy past the first trimester, or even attempt to host an implanted embryo. 

Needles after needles, I injected hormones to produce eggs... inserted hormone suppositories, and still, couldn't conceive. My entire adolescence I was cautioned of the high fertility of the women in my family - I guess that gene skipped me. 

Writing is usually cathartic, but today, it's making me feel worse. I'm now ready to hide in my bed and numb myself to the world. 

This too, shall pass.