Its been a while
It has been a while since I have logged on. I really do not have a reason why besides I am on autopilot and just going through the motions. It has been 9 months and 10 days since I left that hospital room and seen or hugged my baby. I am just stuck. This new life I am trying to learn to live is just so sad. I am lost, being a mom defined me. My oldest daughter moved out into her own apartment, Marissa is gone and who am I? My girls and I grew up together, everything I have ever done in my life was for them and I just do not know where to go from here. My heart hurts so bad all the time. My husband and I seem like strangers . I use to live a healthy lifestyle, working out, eating right and Now I do not cook, havent worked out since that horrific phone call and really have no desire to, really I just go to work. Things felt like they may have been getting to where I could breathe and now I feel like its hitting me harder than it did when this nightmare first began. I really do want to be a good wife, friend, daughter, mom, etc...again I just do not know what to do! I wish someone could tell me how.
Replies
Autopilot is perfectly normal. Anything is perfectly normal after losing a child because Marisa\'s death is abnormal so there is no one way to be afterwards. I am one year further on than you are and am still figuring it out. My life was also my two kids and 50% of that purpose went away when I lost my son. We have to keep going for our family\'s sake if nothing else, but it takes a whole lot of of effort just to wake up. Do whatever you can to get through the day. Exercise and eating right may come back to you. I just started exercising again a month ago. Everything takes time and you need to give yourself that time. Hugs, Laura
Oh my dear. I hear you. I think I was on auto pilot for at least a year. I would have little bursts of energy, but mostly I sat around and did crossword puzzles. Gradually, I began to actually participate in activities with friends. My husband and I were in our own worlds, dealing with the horror as best we could.
I wish I had a magic formula for you. It is very normal to have better days and then hit the wall again. Gradually, things do get better. One step at a time. And try not to feel guilty. You are doing the best you can.
Love and tight hugs, M
Please, be gentle with yourself. The first year is just so colorless, it would have to be filmed in black and white. The shock of the loss is still great. Much time must pass before you can re-create yourself. It\'s not an easy journey, but we are here with you, all of us soth!
Eat well, get good sleep, be nice to your husband, (he is suffering also). Take good care of yourself, I remember my first year as well. Had to go to gym daily as I couldn\'t stay home with my grief, memories, and husband.
Now it\'s over 5 years for us. And now I stay home too much. We are all doing the best that we can do. The years will change you, and life will be interesting again. Love, abby
I remember the ninth month being so incredibly painful and I wondered if it had been that I had carried Douglas for that long in my womb and now was back in that womb of darkness and sorrow? I found it to be a very weepy and symbolic month for me and remember it vividly, when most of the rest of that first year had been like walking in a steam room, bumping into walls and doors everywhere that I turned.
You are working and that is a lot just right there. It keeps you in a routine to be able to function at work so much of your energy is expended. Slowly you will begin to feel what your body is telling that you that it needs in terms of food, rest and exercise.
Allow yourself lots of wiggle room and know that there is no right or wrong way to walk this path and that you are doing your best as the others have said.
With my husband, I imagined the image of a figure eight. Each of us would go out into our own circles to do our individual grief work and then try to find ways to meet in the center of that eight as a couple. Perhaps we would sit in silence, share our tears, our hearts... It didn\'t matter what we shared, just breathing in the same oxygen seemed to be a healing balm that we sorely needed.
You are not alone on this path and are among sisters of the heart who understand the ebbs, flows and automatic pilot times. ALL of it...
Love to darling Marissa and her precious mom from Douglas and me and just keep feeling what you need to and know that all of it is what it needs to be for now.
XO Joanie