Its been a while.
Its been a while since I wrote a journal entry. Not sure why because writing helps me deal with things. Oh well, such as life. This is just a little update. I feel that I'm doing better than I have been over the last few months so thats a good thing but I don't think you could call what I am happy, not yet anyway. I'm still dealing with some loneliness, I just wish I had someone I could confide in. I'm also dealing with some memory problems due to the ECT treatments and its making it hard for me to do my job, which is very frustrating. It really sucks because ECT I truly feel has helped me but because of these memory problems I'm going to have to stop the treatments. I can't help but start thinking how long will it last? How long before I'm suicidally depressed again? I hate thinking this way and wish I could stop.
Replies
welcome back Pagan.... nice to see you journaling again :)
I am pleased you are feeling somewhat better than you were bcs you were really struggling which was painful to see... not happiness yet but hopefully on that road towards it
I hear you on the loneliness... I am much in the same boat so can somewhat relate to all that entails.. that is a real barrier to feelings of happiness unfortunately
sorry about the memory problems and that you are going to have to stop treatments.... hopefully the ones you have had will be enough to keep the suicidal depression at bay.. I think it is natural to have these thoughts.... when we have felt a certain way for so long... and then we feel better... especially with this illness... we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop... but I have heard people say that the treatments they have received have had a big impact on their lives and have changed it for the better.... so maybe try and have a little hope? easy for me to say I know.... but I am keeping everything crossed that the effects from the treatment are permanent and you do not go back to feeling as poorly as you were before
many ((((hugs))))
it\'s good you are on a good track. Writing helps me too. I keep a journal on my own and here too. ECT treatments did the same thing to one of my housemate\'s memory and so she stopped. I think it\'s good you have work to balance out your life.Work keeps me \'in the now\' and worrying about pragmatic things. I hope you can continue to feel good or even better as time goes on. I have been lucky because for the past few months I have had a therapist. I hope maybe you can find one? peace, M
I never feel more alive, happy, centered than when I am playing music. And yet, I go through periods when I don\'t play, and I\'m feeling terrible, and I have to consciously remember: \"Do what makes you feel good. Play your guitar.\" And then, I feel better :)
Never had ECT but I have friends who have. Maybe all the LSD I ate in my teens was like a kind of ECT. I learned a lot of things, then after college, the drugs became boring.
I\'m sure my dad had BP. He was discharged from the Army for refusing to get out of bed for a week. The first BP depression I remember, at 13, I wouldn\'t get out of bed for a week. My dad self-medicated with alcohol, it killed him when I was 17. Fortunately I do not have an addictive personality, and we have better diagnosis and treatments now.
I just found out about you on DS, and your journey interests me.
I also like the photo of Edgar. I have a little B&W girl kitty. I also have an orange and white tabby male. A couple of years after our cat died, my wife said, \"I think we should get cats again, they make you happy.\" When my mom died last year, the first thing I said is \"I\'ll take her 2 cats.\" My friends call me \"The crazy cat lady.\" And I have a little white mutt, mostly poodle, but not all. Our other dog died earlier this year, she was old and had diabetes. Now that I am alone, they help me be not alone :)