It's We Who Hurt
I was thinking when I responded to a journal...It is We Who Hurt...Who Have to Understand....
Many times people have written about losing their child and sharing it with other's as I have and the questions will be asked if you have more children or grandchildren....and some responses I have gotten...is well that makes it better.....as if my son Ken could be replaced...
Not only have I had others say that to me...but also mom's who have lost a child have made that statement to me as if having 3 more sons...having grandchildren..somehow that makes it easier....well there is an answer to that:
No, it does not make it easier...Ken was his ownself, his own personality....he was special...as is my other children...and each of them are different...no two people are alike and because one has lost a child and still have more living children it does not make the pain any less....
As a mom of 4 boys...grandchildren...greatgrandchildren which I so much love...and a puppy named Abby...nothing can the place of Ken...no matter he was and is my son...I believe that losing one child a mom goes through all the same feelings and emotions as mom's who have more than just one child...It may not feel that way...and that is understandable...but the thing that people don't understand that no matter how many children one has each are special in their own way....
I am not saying this to make anyone feel like I am referring to them...but writing this so other 's will know that that one child that is gone the pain is there for the mom..and though others do not really understand what it feels like to lose a child..they somehow think that having another child or having a grandchild makes the pain easier....
I heard a statement at church in a Bible Study that since a long time ago people seemed to have a lot of children because people died younger and the chance of losing a child was greater, therefore it would be less painful when a child died if they had more children....
Oh it is so sad that the people who do not know what the pain of losing a child feels like....makes these comments to us who know what it feels like to lose a child...
I don't believe if I had one child or 10 children...if I lose one...my pain is as deep and as difficult as anyone's...An example we can take of that as the Shepard watching his many sheep and one is missing...he will spend hours looking for that one sheep until it is found....
So for us who have lost a child when people say things that hurts us or makes our day worse because they don't understand....it seems to me that:
IT IS US WHO HURT SO BAD FROM OUR LOSS, WHO HAS TO BE UNDERSTANDING TO THOSE WHO DO NOT UNDERSTAND....
May we find peace when ones who have no ideal what we are going through and say things that hurt us...may we remember....they just don't understand...and we really don't want them to understand....
My thoughts, Sandi
Many times people have written about losing their child and sharing it with other's as I have and the questions will be asked if you have more children or grandchildren....and some responses I have gotten...is well that makes it better.....as if my son Ken could be replaced...
Not only have I had others say that to me...but also mom's who have lost a child have made that statement to me as if having 3 more sons...having grandchildren..somehow that makes it easier....well there is an answer to that:
No, it does not make it easier...Ken was his ownself, his own personality....he was special...as is my other children...and each of them are different...no two people are alike and because one has lost a child and still have more living children it does not make the pain any less....
As a mom of 4 boys...grandchildren...greatgrandchildren which I so much love...and a puppy named Abby...nothing can the place of Ken...no matter he was and is my son...I believe that losing one child a mom goes through all the same feelings and emotions as mom's who have more than just one child...It may not feel that way...and that is understandable...but the thing that people don't understand that no matter how many children one has each are special in their own way....
I am not saying this to make anyone feel like I am referring to them...but writing this so other 's will know that that one child that is gone the pain is there for the mom..and though others do not really understand what it feels like to lose a child..they somehow think that having another child or having a grandchild makes the pain easier....
I heard a statement at church in a Bible Study that since a long time ago people seemed to have a lot of children because people died younger and the chance of losing a child was greater, therefore it would be less painful when a child died if they had more children....
Oh it is so sad that the people who do not know what the pain of losing a child feels like....makes these comments to us who know what it feels like to lose a child...
I don't believe if I had one child or 10 children...if I lose one...my pain is as deep and as difficult as anyone's...An example we can take of that as the Shepard watching his many sheep and one is missing...he will spend hours looking for that one sheep until it is found....
So for us who have lost a child when people say things that hurts us or makes our day worse because they don't understand....it seems to me that:
IT IS US WHO HURT SO BAD FROM OUR LOSS, WHO HAS TO BE UNDERSTANDING TO THOSE WHO DO NOT UNDERSTAND....
May we find peace when ones who have no ideal what we are going through and say things that hurt us...may we remember....they just don't understand...and we really don't want them to understand....
My thoughts, Sandi
Replies
You are right. It is like the one lost sheep. We would feel the same no matter which of our children (little lamb) was lost. You can\'t compare apples to oranges and you can\'t replace one human being, especially a child, with another.
My father\'s mother, my grandmother, had six children. They lived and worked on a farm in upstate NY near the Canadian border. I suppose my father\'s family followed that old model ~ \"have lots of children so if one is lost there are more to replace him/her.\"
Well ~ one of my father\'s siblings died when he was 3 before my father was even born and a beloved sister died from cancer when she was in her 20s. I always knew that my father, the youngest of his siblings, had these two siblings that passed at an early age and that I never knew. But I had no clue how profoundly it affected my grandmother. When we lost Corrie decades later, long after my grandmother passed away, my father was very concerned about me because he knew that his mother had never gotten over the death of her two children. Sure she had more children, including him, but she lost two little lambs and from that she never completely recovered, old family model or not.
So ~ again, Sandi, I think what you say is true. We do need to be compassionate and understanding of those who don\'t get it and just leave it at that.
Sending love and big hugs of understanding ~ Debbie
I agree that each child is special and unique in their own way and NOTHING can ever replace a child. Only moms who have lost a child can understand this. When I hear such platitudes from people who never lost a child, I just shake my head and think, \"you have NO IDEA the kind of pain I have endured and NOTHING can replace my daughter.\" They don\'t get it, so I agree with Debbie-- I understand they don\'t get it so I can leave it at that. This sister understands exactly what you mean. Big hugs, Amber
Very profound journal, Sandi. I too have had people try to comfort me, but they truly have no idea what to say. It is hard for other people to know what to say to us, but they try. For that I am grateful. I loved your line, \" they don\'t get it, so I can leave it at that\". Pretty well says it all!! (((HUGS)))...Julia
You are so right. Each child is special. The pain we feel is impossible for others to comprehend.
Most of my friends are understanding and admit they do not understand the pain. I truly appreciate them. At least we have FMO - we all understand.
Hugs, Marlene
Each child is indeed unique and irreplaceable!
Sending much love to Ken...and much love to his sweet momma!
Sandi, it does my heart good to read your journals. You will never know how much you have helped me. Thank you so much for sharing. Like you said \"they don\'t get it so I can leave it at that.\" My heart is still so broken for Jeff and for his children that they will never know what kind of man he really was. They were 7 and 5 when we lost Jeff. They are now 12 and 7. Thank you again.
Your friend,
Nell
Sandi, when someone says to me that \"but you have a son and grandchildren\" I just tell them, Yes I do. As much as I love my son and grandchildren, there is nothing or no one on this earth who could replace the love I have for my daughter. I guess some people think that they are trying to help by pointing out that we do have others who love us and who we love. There is an emptiness that could never be filled. I may laugh again, I may function as a living person again, I might even be a little happy again, but that loss of our precious children is so severe that I can understand now how someone can die from a broken heart. I love my family so, so much, and the friends I have are wonderful but they now do realize that on one can fill that hole in my heart. Someone once said to me, \"get hold of yourself, you don\'t want Paul to think you loved Jackie more\", OMG, he is a father and would never, ever think that. No one could ever take their place, and nothing can ever compensate for their loss. And unless they have lost a child, they will never understand and I pray they never will. Much love and hugs, Gail
I\'ve been fortunate that no one has ever said that to me. Like you, I have four sons and three living. Although I am still able to mother and watch my other boys grow up (some with only children cannot do that), it was very bittersweet in the beginning stages. I wanted so badly to join my son who had died but couldn\'t let my other children think I loved them less because I didn\'t. It\'s difficult for any mother and any age of child she has to lose. I wouldn\'t wish it on anyone. I\'m sorry you\'ve had to hear that from others. I have learned that unless you\'ve walked in the shoes of another, you cannot even begin to make those comments or think of what you would do because you can\'t. I just take insensitive comments and let them go because some people don\'t know any different and we don\'t want them to. Thanks for the message. Much love. Robin
Yes, that is very true - no matter how many children we have we can never replace the child we have lost. However, for me, I am so grateful that I do have other children because I\'m not sure I would have made it without - some-one who depended on me, some-one who I had to keep going for......it doesn\'t change my pain but it sure didn\'t make it any worse, either. I realize you don\'t agree but I cannot imagine the agony of losing your only child, either. Take care ~ Joanna
I understand your words and you are so right that none of us would want anyone to discover this heartache and sorrow.
Forgiveness of ourselves first and others when things are said or left unsaid. Our humanness can be so messy and chaotic in this earthly school and one thing I do know... I certainly hope that when it is my time to go that I can remain in the spirit world and don\'t have to come back for more earth school. I feel as if I must have signed up for all AP classes this time.
I appreciate your thoughts and your understanding.
Gentle care to you always and to your beloved Ken.
XO Joanie
What a wonderful subject... I am \'lucky\' in no one has ever said to my face how fortunate I am to have Kate and Jenn\'s children.. but I was llucky to have them when Jenn was alive, so yes, I am lucky to have them after losing Jenn but that will never, ever, in any way fill the hole left in my heart and soul...
Hugs to you and Ken....MaryLou
I wonder sometimes just how much my grandson remembers his father. He was only about 10 years old at the time. Granddaughter was 13 and knew him better. My heart goes out to them, growing up without a Dad isn\'t easy. He loved them so very much. Thanks for this entry, abby