It's happening....

So, I'm coming up on two months of being sober!  Longest I have ever been sober! For so long, I have done the classic addict mantra--take this burden from me!  fix me!  help me!  make it stop!   It's so crazy when you are battling yourself and really only yourself.  But, like I have read in so many AA manuals, the burden was lifted....not out of nowhere.  I had been practicing abstinence and learning about my condition and trying pretty damn hard to be conscious of my problem for a long time....but finally I gave up and surrendered to the fact that i CANNOT drink.  I have an allergy and a mental obsession.   And, here's what sealed it.....I love my life right now.  Sure, I still wake up with those existentially angsty days, and I have actually had some really hard, lonely, dark days....but i don't feed into it.  When you become an aware human being, you understand that underneath all of this day-to-day mask-wearing living, there is a mystery and a nothingness and sometimes it all feels like a weird dress rehearsal and you feel afraid of yourself even.  But it is what it is, and I don't feed into it, accept it and breathe through it.   
I just get excited about all the possibilities of my life, excited by all the ways to be healthy--through food, through exercise and yoga and dance, through learning, through helping others.  I am fascinated by our world.  We are in a time of transition overall, with all of this technology and all of this connection through the internet, and we are also in trouble of damaging ourselves with overpopulation and selfish consumption.....poisoning and depleting our world as we live our lives.  So I am excited about how to live thoughtfully--it's a kind of deeper purpose I have in my life.  I am approaching life holistically....how I fit into the bigger picture of the world, how nourishing my body with whole foods nourishes me and the earth, and how feeding my mind positivity, art and REAL information (not propaganda) is allowing me to become the best version of myself.  We are all deities, we just need to realize it......I do believe.
Oddly enough, I haven't talked to anyone really for a month.  I just got a new cabin in the jungle outside of Chiang Mai, Thailand and I feel like I can finally breathe.  I am only working an hour or two a day, teaching engilsh online.  I cook all day long, exercise, meditate, read, dance, and brainstorm various ideas.....in due time, I will manifest these ideas, I really hope!    So, I must say, and it kind of sucks to say it, but alcoholism is a symptom.  I don't think it necessarily is, but when I continued to drink for years procuring only negative results, it is clear to me I was drinking because I didn't like my reality.  It was boring, tedious, unfair and downright painful at points....sometimes I had good parts of my day and I can't say I ever let myself get completely depressed (except when I would have to deal with coming out of a binge).....but now I realize how I was living out of fear for the past few years.  Prior to the last 4 years of my life, I actually had about 3 years of complete and utter joy and loved what I was doing, and then shit got kind of screwed up.....I acted irresponsibly and thoughtlessly in a lot of situations....but right now, I can see I had to go through that darkness to understand what I know now.  HA!  so typical, right?   Anyway, I have finally accepted that alcohol makes me someone I don't want to be.  stupid, fat and bloated, weak (mentally and physically), broke.....and at my worst, embarrassing and dangerous.  SOOOO why do I want that?  I don't need to obliterate my reality anymore.  
I will say, I started smoking pot again and I am so jubilant.  I used to smoke a lot of pot and grow it when I was younger and then these past few years I couldn't really smoke it without wanting to be alone in the dark and usually had a really scary trip.  I realize now, very clearly, that I was scared of my own mind.  Now that I feel unintruded by the world, no more controlling boyfriends or mom at the moment (although my mom is awesome and has helped me so much, we have a love-hate thing--she's in a whole other country now tho!), no suffocating job at the moment (or ever again I hope), a house where I have privacy and nature and it is OLD, made of wood....it feels so full of soul (geckos everywhere too!).....now I have time to myself.  I can just relax.....just take it all in.......and feed my curiosity and creativity!  And I don't fetishize pot the way I do alcohol.  Three tokes and I'm good for the night....and I only smoke at night.  And that's when I research and dance and really practice my yoga vinyasas...pot is like the opposite of alcohol in my opinion, it makes me hyper-concious and thoughtful and curious!  You will find out about me that I embrace psychedelic medicine.......not all drugs at all, but some plants on this earth can be so powerfully insightful if approached with understanding and respect.  Anyway....
Storm rolling in on this hot hot day here in Thailand.......Seek nature, find peace there, I always do.  Nourish your body.  Be excited about projects.  Find wonder in the world!  Anyway................I think that is all I have right now!  xo Lulu