It's been really hard lately
It's been really hard lately to fight the urge to gamble again.
I feel like some things are out of control right now. I recently had to have emergency surgery, and I'm in a lot of pain. I'm nervous and anxious about my recovery. Part of it is I want to go about my life calmer and more pleasantly than I did before -- I think that my frantic nature, anxiety, and constant tendency to beat myself up contributed to my medical condition -- and I don't know if I'll be able to change that much. And part of it is that I am in pain -- sometimes an ache, sometimes a whole lot of pain -- and I am impatient and frustrated with the process at this point. I want for the healing to hurry up and be over with, which I know kind-of contradicts what I said earlier about making my nature more gentle and patient, but there you have it.
And I think part of it is just that I feel like things are changing rapidly all of a sudden. One day I woke up and I was 31 years old -- I'm not old, I know that, but when I think back on my life I feel like I was a high school kid being told the world was my oyster just yesterday. I feel unsettled because a lot of my old creature comforts, like relationships or restaurants or stores, are in flux right now, changing in ways where either they are different or they mean different things to me. And maybe this is all a part of being an adult that people don't tell you about so much when you are young, but I'm starting to get sentimental, missing certain rituals or places or things that used to make me very happy.
I want to gamble a lot right now. I am self-banned in the area so I know that I can't just get in my car and go -- the nearest casino is six hours away, and I'm also on Percocet and can't drive -- but part of me just wants to go on YouTube and watch craps videos all night.
I think what I miss most about gambling was the feeling that I was somebody. If I went in with a lot of money and dressed nicely, there wasn't any doubt that I was rich or came from money. At least, I thought so. And even though neither were really the case at the time, having that perception around me made me feel powerful, beautiful, and if not exactly admired than somewhat feared. I was this potent female structure that was there, knowing the ins and outs of the game, fearlessly betting big, going balls to the walls and calling out plays with the big boys.
I felt like someone when I gambled. I felt sexy, important, vital, and recognized. All of these things I think part of me desperately wants to feel in my daily life and which my catholic upbringing and, truthfully, my personality doesn't let me express very often. But this me was hot, and in control, and she knew what she wanted and wasn't shying away from it.
And maybe that's what I'm missing -- being in control. The feeling like the world is mine and I'm free to do whatever the hell I want.
How to get these feelings without gambling? Maybe it's being more bold and assertive -- I do own my own business, so I do have to be brazen from time to time, perhaps I just won't shy away from opportunities to do so so much. Maybe it's dressing sexier. Maybe it's talking myself up, bragging internally in my head instead of beating myself down all the freaking time. Maybe it's just figuring out what makes me unhappy and doing something about it -- like for this pain, I really should go get some ice!!!
Moreover, I think what I need is to harness what I loved about gambling and Gambling Me into my daily life, or at least into my life more often. And recognize I am in charge of my destiny and am Someone Important in life, not just as a high roller at a casino table. I can be a High Roller in life, too.
I feel like some things are out of control right now. I recently had to have emergency surgery, and I'm in a lot of pain. I'm nervous and anxious about my recovery. Part of it is I want to go about my life calmer and more pleasantly than I did before -- I think that my frantic nature, anxiety, and constant tendency to beat myself up contributed to my medical condition -- and I don't know if I'll be able to change that much. And part of it is that I am in pain -- sometimes an ache, sometimes a whole lot of pain -- and I am impatient and frustrated with the process at this point. I want for the healing to hurry up and be over with, which I know kind-of contradicts what I said earlier about making my nature more gentle and patient, but there you have it.
And I think part of it is just that I feel like things are changing rapidly all of a sudden. One day I woke up and I was 31 years old -- I'm not old, I know that, but when I think back on my life I feel like I was a high school kid being told the world was my oyster just yesterday. I feel unsettled because a lot of my old creature comforts, like relationships or restaurants or stores, are in flux right now, changing in ways where either they are different or they mean different things to me. And maybe this is all a part of being an adult that people don't tell you about so much when you are young, but I'm starting to get sentimental, missing certain rituals or places or things that used to make me very happy.
I want to gamble a lot right now. I am self-banned in the area so I know that I can't just get in my car and go -- the nearest casino is six hours away, and I'm also on Percocet and can't drive -- but part of me just wants to go on YouTube and watch craps videos all night.
I think what I miss most about gambling was the feeling that I was somebody. If I went in with a lot of money and dressed nicely, there wasn't any doubt that I was rich or came from money. At least, I thought so. And even though neither were really the case at the time, having that perception around me made me feel powerful, beautiful, and if not exactly admired than somewhat feared. I was this potent female structure that was there, knowing the ins and outs of the game, fearlessly betting big, going balls to the walls and calling out plays with the big boys.
I felt like someone when I gambled. I felt sexy, important, vital, and recognized. All of these things I think part of me desperately wants to feel in my daily life and which my catholic upbringing and, truthfully, my personality doesn't let me express very often. But this me was hot, and in control, and she knew what she wanted and wasn't shying away from it.
And maybe that's what I'm missing -- being in control. The feeling like the world is mine and I'm free to do whatever the hell I want.
How to get these feelings without gambling? Maybe it's being more bold and assertive -- I do own my own business, so I do have to be brazen from time to time, perhaps I just won't shy away from opportunities to do so so much. Maybe it's dressing sexier. Maybe it's talking myself up, bragging internally in my head instead of beating myself down all the freaking time. Maybe it's just figuring out what makes me unhappy and doing something about it -- like for this pain, I really should go get some ice!!!
Moreover, I think what I need is to harness what I loved about gambling and Gambling Me into my daily life, or at least into my life more often. And recognize I am in charge of my destiny and am Someone Important in life, not just as a high roller at a casino table. I can be a High Roller in life, too.
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