It's been a while.

Well, it's been a while since I have been on this site. Last time I was here, I found what I needed and moved on. I thought I'd found a good relationship and that I was embarking on a better chapter of life, but unfortunately, that connection didn't last. 

He was another struggling abuse survivor with bi-polar disorder and other issues; neurotic, passive aggressive, dysfunctional... He just couldn't manage the stress of day to day life. I loved him, but I couldn't deal with all of it. We have a four-year old son together, and have been split up since July. Our relationship ended in a bad way and I feel really betrayed by him. 

So, here I am almost 40 and a single mom supporting our son by myself. I've never really been very comfortable being alone and I am having a hard time with it lately. All of my family members live really far away, and I spent Thanksgiving alone for the first time. Well I did visit my estranged ex-step daughter in San Francisco, but she is homeless and living on the streets, addicted to drugs and in a relationship with another addict who would not let her hang out because they needed to sell drugs. So, that really wasn't all too great.

She is the closest thing I have to family here aside from my own child. Her dad and I were together 11 years and I really loved him, but he was another dysfunctional, abuse survivor, alcoholic... I left him because I had to, but we were still close friends. He died in June 2016, and I'm still grieving. I still felt like he was part of my family even though we were not together. He had been sort of a father figure to me (because I'm that girl with the daddy complex, and he was an older man). Regardless, we had a strong connection and I really feel strange now that he is no longer in this world. He really was a part of me...

So, I'm just feeling all this stuff. Lonely. I was abandoned by my mother as a young child and being alone kind of makes me feel abandoned. It puts me back into that head space of, "I don't have anyone to help me." "I have to do everything by myself." And I do, it's true... I must hold myself together for my son, but I'm not doing it very well right now. I feel lost without a sense of belonging anywhere. I don't feel needed, or important, or appreciated, and gee, this sounds an awful lot like my childhood. It's stirring up a lot of uncomfortable feelings.

I'm also a sex addict and have been trying to make myself feel better that way. But, I can't even do that like a normal person because I have PTSD with a bunch of sexual triggers along with trust and intimacy issues. I'm a submissive and only aroused by domination, consensual non-consent, spanking, stuff like that. It's definitely all tied into my abusive past (it's hard-wired because of my abusive past), so I'm stirring that pot too. Lot of stuff comes up for me when I delve into my sexuality.

So, I'm in need some support while I navigate through this chapter of my life. ☹

How's everyone been?