it's back...

Last night as I was getting ready for bed I felt sleepy and relaxed.  As I lay down, all of a sudden I started to feel wired.  weird..but whatever.  Pretty soon I could feel the waves of anxiety and nausea.  My first thought was still...am I getting sick?  still,  I didn't let it panic me further.  I just continued to breathe through it and ignore it.  I figured if it wasn't anxiety and I was getting sick I would find out in the morning.  At some point, I did finally fall asleep.  I feel a little tired today, but otherwise ok.  I was happy that I didn't even consider taking extra meds.  This is the first really bad attack since I went on this diet.  I know I am very unhappy with life overall right now and it may be getting to me.  Maybe that's all this was. 

I never thought I would say summer break is too long but I am starting to get a little stir crazy at home and really want this last hard semester to get started so I can put it behind me.  After three years sinced I moved back in, I feel like we are right back to where we were when I moved out.  He is irritating me and I am doing my best to ignore it and get through each day.  Luckily, it turned out his dad needs help this weekend so I got out of going to that bbq after all.  He did comment that he wanted to reschedule with them before I start back to school and I just didn't really say anything.  I can see his wheels turning while he is trying to influence me.  He started talking about my inviting my friends over for a bbq.  I just said ok so he would drop the subject and let him think I will invite people over.  I have learned my lesson inviting my friends over.  I find it embarassing when his speech starts to slur.  I don't want anyone to come over unless he promises to be stone, cold, sober...which if I asked would only start a fight.  He does not like the progress I have made on this diet( probably because he hasn't tried at all) so he has started to make comments about it.  He used to never want breakfast,  I was always the breakfast girl.  Now he suddenly is trying to plan weekend breakfasts.  I try to fast until noon on the weekends.  I find it much easier than the weekdays where I am bored at work.  He says...oh I forgot, you are trying to starve til lunch.  I just said Yep.  Then, he makes comments like I'm trying to get skinny so I can find myself a better man....ugh,  whatever.  It's true, I am very happy with how I have changed my life.  Although I may never again have the stomach of a 20 year old,  no one is going to ask me when the baby is due anymore. 

I feel lonely a lot but that is to be expected.  Most of the time I prefer to be alone anyway but sometimes I wish for something more.  I'm sure it is a product of all the books I read.  There's a reason they call it fiction after all.  TGIF