It's always under the surface...

I have good days. I am enjoying my place now that I have done some redecorating to my taste. I basically pulled out my old stuff I had before he moved in and bought a few things and I love it. It feels like me again. It never really felt like my place, even though I was paying for it, with all his sports pictures in the living room. It felt like a man den. I like eating what I want, when I want. Taking naps on the weekend if I want to. 

And then I have bad days. Seeing something I would love to do over the holidays and no one to do it with. Nothing says depression like your first set of holidays after your partner leaves you. We did so much with his family and that's gone. I missed his granddaughter's birthday party. I loved going there. I miss those kids. I found out his family is still mad at him. Once again I felt guilty that I was happy about that. I had been thinking that they were all talking again but I ran into his sister-in-law and she said no one had spoken to him except his mother. I know he is not suffering even with that - since he has someone to talk to at night, take trips with, share with. All the things he took with him when he left.

I know I have to get out and do new things. My therapist has suggested several that sound like fun. I'm just having trouble getting enthusiasm to actually go. A local club is selling tickets to Radio City Christmas show. I've wanted to go to that for years. We talked about it this summer and said we'd go. I'm not comfortable yet going places alone. This is what happens when you depend on family for socializing. My family is across the country. We used his for social activities. My goal for the next year is to make friends I can do things with. The ones I had before I met my ex moved to be closer to their kids and grandkids. First though - I need to get to a happy place and be able to stay there. And that's not this month.