It's all just too much.....

The last thing I feel like doing is writing right now.....but I know I always feel somewhat better after...
 
So much has been happening...so many feelings...it's all too much for one person to have to take on alone... I've been trying to cope with my miscarriage and move past it, fighting depression, self harm thoughts & suicidal thoughts because of it... I've been fighting with anorexia as well...I have no desire to eat, so bad that when my stomach growls and I finally feel hungry I still have no appetite and after one bite of food I feel completely full...I've had to force myself to eat, trying to do so regularly & in decent amounts..even if it means damn near throwing up from forcing it down so much.... On top of all of this, I feel like I've lost 2 of my best friends....and from my perspective, it's completely unfair... My best friend dates my ex after he & I have barely been apart and she knows him & I are still best friends, and she gets upset, and jealous of him & I talking...and pissed off when I'm upset about my miscarriage telling me I have no right to be upset... And now, now I'm going through hell once more.... My older sister had a psychotic break...she lost it...she was manic, delusional, illogical...she was all over the map and is now in the psych ward at the hospital.... 
 
 
I started this friday jan 11th...it's now the 15th...
 
I still really don't feel like writing....but I'm just trying to finish this journal... I went to the mental institution at the hospital today to visit my sister....she's enjoying herself...she likes it there...they're giving her anti-anxiety & anti-psychosis drugs... Turns out she's hearing voices...that was really hard to hear....I struggled back tears numerous times while visiting her... I made it through the visit though...I didn't cry, she did at one point though..again, hard not to for me... I lost it when I got home tho...I completely lost it.... I was so upset, about my sister, my eating disorder, my miscarriage, my dog dying, my mom dying, my grandma dying, my mom's infuriating denial...the same reason I never forgave her for my past, she denied I had a problem..and now she's trying to deny my sister has a problem...it's infuriating! And not only that, I'm on crutches, I can't walk properly without them...my knee is so badly damaged I can't bend it...I can't walk on it...and my mother...my mother had the nerve to ask me not to use my crutches when we were going to the hospital because, and I quote "it looks weird"....she's more concerned with appearances than her daughter's ability to walk and manage pain..are you kidding me?! I'm trying so hard to refrain from swearing...I'm trying so hard to keep from working myself up again... I am in so much pain.... I've broken 11 bones..some minor, some severe breaks, and I have never..EVER been in this much pain.... So to recap briefly...I got home, and had a melt down about my sister, my eating disorder, my miscarriage, my dog dying, my mom dying, my grandma dying, my mom's denial, my mom's obsession over appearances.. As well as losing my absolute best friend..my person...my support person....my dogs "daddy"....when my ex & I broke up...we were still so close...he was there for me, he supported me, he cared about me....and then he and my best friend got together, she knew how close he & I still were...she knew everything....absolutely..everything....and I was okay with them getting together, she was part of the reason he & I broke up in the first place...though, I refused to admit that to her because I don't want her to feel bad, or guilty... But now..she's become so jealous..she's become quite a bitch towards me...she's taken my best friend from me... I didn't care that they got together...but I do care that I've lost my best friend...it's killing me...he knows everything, he knows how much I've been through, he knows how hard all of this is for me and he's so cold...so heartless...because of her..... It's killing me.... Earlier today, when I had my melt down...all I wanted to do was drink...drink so much I would black out and never wake up.... I even changed his ring tune to "whiskey lullaby" by brad paisley... Cause that's all I think of when I think about him now.... I'm 13 days sober today... I don't know how... And, to pile on...I was having a full blown break down, in hysterics, bawling my eyes out in my living room...texting one of my best friends..trying to reach out and all she could say was there was nothing she could do....I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF and she couldn't even try to be supportive.... And then, I finally composed myself...I wasn't bawling and thrashing and hitting things anymore....and my girlfriend texts me telling me one of her best friends was arrested for attempted murder...turns out she got the story wrong..he was arrested for attempted robbery with a weapon & assaulting a police dog (yes, you've probably seen it on the news) so now she's in full blown hysterics and I'm trying to help her...helping her try to find numbers for prisons so she can find him, helping her by being as supportive as possible...helping her stay sober when I could barely keep myself sober.. 
 
I have never..in my life...felt as heartbroken as I felt today....last night...I haven't slept and its 6:30am... My heart physically ached....I just wanted to drink & never stop.... I wanted to kill myself today....and he has no clue he's caused me so much pain....so much heart ache.... It just hurts so bad....