It's a long way down on this rollercoaster
I got called stupid today. Or well, I know he didn't mean that but yet he did. I'm so tired of "but this is how we do it", rather this is how HE does it. I'm talking about my mentor, student teaching out on a 7-9th grade school.
He said that cavemen didn't go to the university to learn how to teach it should come natural for everyone. I need to be more alive, more bouncy in my classes. I'm to stale.
But it's hard to be alive when you're numb.
This is what I want to do, I want to teach. But right now I feel stuck. I can't move. I'm suffocating.
Find your own teaching style, yeah sorta hard when you piss on all my ideas. I'm not like you, thank heavens. You don't see that everyone is not like you and you think that everyone around you are idiots. You are the only smart person on the planet.
Do it your way, but what you really mean is do it my way. And i have to, I can't fight back cause you can fail me if you want. Right now I want to tell you to fuck off and just redo the past 7 weeks somewhere else. You are a good mentor, I do know you want to do and are doing what you think is best for me. But right now you can just FUCK OFF. You're the idiot.
I basically hold my breath. Thank god the day was over. I rushed to get my stuff and then out. Then I had a smal panic attack. That was fun. Not blaming it on anyone or anything. Even more fun that I had it out on town and not at home.
The online world is lonely. More than 50% of my friends is online. They live 2000-6000 miles away most of them. So now when I needed them, I have to wait for them to get online. I can't even call cause it's like 5 am in california. And either way they cant give me what I most want. Someone to hold me when I'm crying. You are never as lonely as you are when you are crying so hard you can't breath and no one is there. At the same time as you for your life do NOT want anyone to see you.
Yes I feel sorry for myself. Live with it or stop reading my journal.
I've been struggling with depression for 10 years now. And I'm 23. Past 4 years has been better and better and better and better. And it's not dark anymore. I dont feel that dark tunnel or hole around me that I felt the first 6 years. But I'm still here.
I thought I was done but I'm far from it. I've realised that this that I thought was being normal, being okay, living. Is fake.
I'm as numb and dead inside as before.
I'm mad, sad, frustrated, exhausted. Just exhausted. My brain has shut down, it's in sleep mode.
Now I'm gonna crawl into my online world and hide from reality. Or sleep. something that does not involve real feelings.
Bye
He said that cavemen didn't go to the university to learn how to teach it should come natural for everyone. I need to be more alive, more bouncy in my classes. I'm to stale.
But it's hard to be alive when you're numb.
This is what I want to do, I want to teach. But right now I feel stuck. I can't move. I'm suffocating.
Find your own teaching style, yeah sorta hard when you piss on all my ideas. I'm not like you, thank heavens. You don't see that everyone is not like you and you think that everyone around you are idiots. You are the only smart person on the planet.
Do it your way, but what you really mean is do it my way. And i have to, I can't fight back cause you can fail me if you want. Right now I want to tell you to fuck off and just redo the past 7 weeks somewhere else. You are a good mentor, I do know you want to do and are doing what you think is best for me. But right now you can just FUCK OFF. You're the idiot.
I basically hold my breath. Thank god the day was over. I rushed to get my stuff and then out. Then I had a smal panic attack. That was fun. Not blaming it on anyone or anything. Even more fun that I had it out on town and not at home.
The online world is lonely. More than 50% of my friends is online. They live 2000-6000 miles away most of them. So now when I needed them, I have to wait for them to get online. I can't even call cause it's like 5 am in california. And either way they cant give me what I most want. Someone to hold me when I'm crying. You are never as lonely as you are when you are crying so hard you can't breath and no one is there. At the same time as you for your life do NOT want anyone to see you.
Yes I feel sorry for myself. Live with it or stop reading my journal.
I've been struggling with depression for 10 years now. And I'm 23. Past 4 years has been better and better and better and better. And it's not dark anymore. I dont feel that dark tunnel or hole around me that I felt the first 6 years. But I'm still here.
I thought I was done but I'm far from it. I've realised that this that I thought was being normal, being okay, living. Is fake.
I'm as numb and dead inside as before.
I'm mad, sad, frustrated, exhausted. Just exhausted. My brain has shut down, it's in sleep mode.
Now I'm gonna crawl into my online world and hide from reality. Or sleep. something that does not involve real feelings.
Bye
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