It's a cyclical illness

Okay, I've been gone since 2009.  A lot has happened.  I lived with depression but was slowly trying to get back into life again.  I had found some relief and hope in volunteering at a local food bank and was finally making some friends.  Then midsummer 2012 I had a horrible manic episode again.  Victor kicked me out of the house.  I lived in hotels and bought 4 cars that I couldn't afford:  corvette, jaguar, ford king ranch f250 truck and a mustang.  I ended up getting arrested and thrown into jail for 4 months where I was deemed unfit for trial.  I finally got out with 5 years probation.
I now live in my childhood home.  I'm a recluse.  My father, who was my #1 support system, passed away last August, breaking my heart.

The depression, as it always is after a manic episode, is incapacitating.

And so they cycle begins again.  How do I go on?  I keep losing ground.  I keep losing my mind.  I keep losing friends.  I keep having set backs.  My family doesn't trust me.   I don't even trust me anymore.  I look back at past journal entries and am embarrassed at what I wrote.  Jeepers.