it's 4:30 am & it's getting worse.

a migraine has me cornered, against the ropes.  it's 5: 06 am.....i give up, i'm going back to bed. 

i miss me very much.  need a break from the onslaught of symptoms/side effects ......from exhaustion and illness. 

gotta want to try to cope better.  gotta have the energy to cope better.  gotta gotta gotta.

hands like ice.  nausea.  feeling pretty low.  i hate this.  the tears, the pain.  the alone.  hate it.  i am not without some strength, but i feel so diluted.  so weak.  it's time for a break......not more pain, not this pain in my brain.  last week it was a series of min i migrraines and now it's afull on migraine.  caramba.  i am coming undone. 

maybe i can pull through this.  i wonder.  i don't want it to pull me under.  i can feel god with me.....how long will it be until these symptoms an ds ide effects lighten up.  back off.  give me a break?

as i aim for anger to build a wall of protection, the pain on the right sid eof my head hits hard.  feels like an artery is being squeezed...stepped on by the evil villain.  enough talk, crawl back in to bed.  be still, be quiet.  quit expecting more from family......expectations lead to hurt and sadness. 

i have to accept that alone and i are better friends.......as alone is who is with me the most right now.  here with me.  this is one of the toughest flares i have had in along itme  - i don't see the better coming.  i know it's not good when emotions mix with chronic everything.  knowing and being strong enough to fight it off aren't always in the same camp.  my usual arsenal is all but empty

i put my bible by my bed.......because i promised my daughter that i would.  looking at it makes me cry.......because i miss HER.  because i am having a hard time getting through this.  too much pain.  too many negatives too many days in a row. 

.......leave the sad   behind little sparrow.  i think i should get a big cuddly stuffed animal to be my pal.  to hug.......how weird would that be exactly?  that phrase almost made me smile for an inth of an inth of a second.

this means i need to call the rheumy or the doc for migraine relief tomorrow right?  i had some leftovers for breakfast yesterday, later i had a few bites of food around 3 pm, but couldn't continue eating it.  grossed me out.  threw it away.  ugh.

stop it little girl.  stop talking and complaining and just hush now.  should i tell myself to just shut up?  to stop whining.....will that work?k.  should it work?  aren't i allowed to be sick sick?.  like now?  trust me i miss me too.  ........never try to fake strong durign a migraine.  it's not the righ t time.  love you guys.  thankful for. you.......praying for better to come ashore soon.