IT REALLY DOESNT END
HI EVERYONE,
I HAVEN'T WRITTEN IN A WHILE BUT TRY TO READ THE JOURNALS AS OFTEN AS I CAN. ONE DAY IM GOOD, ONE DAY BAD AND THAT BAD DAY LEADS INTO ANOTHER.
JACKIE WILL BE GONE 2 YEARS ON MAY 10TH. I MISS HER SO MUCH. YES, THERE ARE DAYS I LAUGH, AND MAYBE FORGET MY SORROW FOR AWHILE. BUT I CRY EVERY NIGHT WHEN I GO TO SLEEP. THE PAIN IN MY HEART IS STILL THERE. I KNOW EVERYONE GRIEVE S DIFFERENTLY, BUT FOR ME. I DON'T SEE AN END IN SITE.
THE OTHER NIGHT I WENT TO A FRIENDS HOUSE TO PLAY CARDS. ONE OF HER FRIENDS CAME THAT I MET FOR THE FIRST TIME. SHE ASKED ABOUT MY TATTOO I HAD DONE FOR JACKIE, I TOLD HER IT WAS A MEMORIAL TO MY DAUGHTER.
SHE TOLD ME THAT HER PRECIOUS SON WAS MURDERED 15 YEARS AGO. HE WAS DOING CAR SERVICE TO MAKE EXTRA MONEY AND WAS KILLED FOR $90.00. THE BASTARD IS OUT, WALKING THE STREETS. SHE IS FUNCTIONING FOR HER DAUGHTER AND KIDS. THAT PAIN OF LOSING HER SON WILL NEVER GO AWAY. I AM PUSHING MYSELF TO GO ON FOR MY SON AND MY FAMILY. BUT I AM NOT LIVING, I AM JUST EXISTING.
I REALLY TRY, I GO OUT, I PLAY CARDS, I MAKE MY JEWELRY TO KEEP BUSY, I TRY TO HAVE A NORMAL LIFE. BUT MY NORMAL AS I KNEW IT FOR 34 YEARS IS GONE. I AM EXISTING AND WILL CONTINUE TO EXIST UNTIL I AM WITH MY JACKIE AGAIN AND THAT SCARES ME BECAUSE I MAY BE AROUND FOR ANOTHER 20 YEARS. LIVING TLIKE THIS, I DON'T KNOW HOW. I AM HOPING THAT MAYBE BY NEXT YEAR I WILL COPE BETTER,
I HAVEN'T WRITTEN IN A WHILE BUT TRY TO READ THE JOURNALS AS OFTEN AS I CAN. ONE DAY IM GOOD, ONE DAY BAD AND THAT BAD DAY LEADS INTO ANOTHER.
JACKIE WILL BE GONE 2 YEARS ON MAY 10TH. I MISS HER SO MUCH. YES, THERE ARE DAYS I LAUGH, AND MAYBE FORGET MY SORROW FOR AWHILE. BUT I CRY EVERY NIGHT WHEN I GO TO SLEEP. THE PAIN IN MY HEART IS STILL THERE. I KNOW EVERYONE GRIEVE S DIFFERENTLY, BUT FOR ME. I DON'T SEE AN END IN SITE.
THE OTHER NIGHT I WENT TO A FRIENDS HOUSE TO PLAY CARDS. ONE OF HER FRIENDS CAME THAT I MET FOR THE FIRST TIME. SHE ASKED ABOUT MY TATTOO I HAD DONE FOR JACKIE, I TOLD HER IT WAS A MEMORIAL TO MY DAUGHTER.
SHE TOLD ME THAT HER PRECIOUS SON WAS MURDERED 15 YEARS AGO. HE WAS DOING CAR SERVICE TO MAKE EXTRA MONEY AND WAS KILLED FOR $90.00. THE BASTARD IS OUT, WALKING THE STREETS. SHE IS FUNCTIONING FOR HER DAUGHTER AND KIDS. THAT PAIN OF LOSING HER SON WILL NEVER GO AWAY. I AM PUSHING MYSELF TO GO ON FOR MY SON AND MY FAMILY. BUT I AM NOT LIVING, I AM JUST EXISTING.
I REALLY TRY, I GO OUT, I PLAY CARDS, I MAKE MY JEWELRY TO KEEP BUSY, I TRY TO HAVE A NORMAL LIFE. BUT MY NORMAL AS I KNEW IT FOR 34 YEARS IS GONE. I AM EXISTING AND WILL CONTINUE TO EXIST UNTIL I AM WITH MY JACKIE AGAIN AND THAT SCARES ME BECAUSE I MAY BE AROUND FOR ANOTHER 20 YEARS. LIVING TLIKE THIS, I DON'T KNOW HOW. I AM HOPING THAT MAYBE BY NEXT YEAR I WILL COPE BETTER,
Replies
Hello beautiful heart.... I hear you sweetie, I hear the pain, and I\'m so sorry for it. I fought hard to stay afloat, then I fought hard to smile, then I fought hard to allow genuine laughter and lightness into my life without guilt.....then, around year 4, the fight seemed to be over, and life was prettier, gentler, and I was more \"OK\" with myself. Truth is, I miss Kala more today I think....just the \"missing\" part without the intensity daily draining me. Life is no longer a fight for joy....but I sure do miss my baby.
I don\'t know if that helps....just it\'s my honesty, my heart.... There are no time tables, so please don\'t think 4 years is any sort of magic number...it\'s not....it was just \"my\" number.
I did continually tell myself I would be OK....I would smile, genuinely again one day. I said it out loud to myself long before I felt it, or even could really believe it. Part of it, the biggest part of it for me, was how I\'d convinced myself that living less than my best would not make Kala proud, only living life \"fully involved\" would make her proud; so, it was very motivating for me. Some days my best was lying in bed crying all day....I allowed myself those days....but when I could push myself out of bed and out the door and into LIFE, I knew she was even more proud...so, I fought hard for those days, forcing myself to accomplish things I didn\'t feel like doing, and always reaping the benefit of doing so.
I love you and I get it. I hope tomorrow will be lighter for your shattered heart.
I find it amazing when I find another \"mom\"...the instant conection,,the love,,
this is just so hard,,,my tears flow for you,,,love you !!
Gail, it is still early on in this journey for you. At three and a half years since my only child left for Heaven I can tell you, for me, although I hurt and have bad days, I am doing much better than I was right before the 2 year mark. Nothing magical, just allowing myself to feel what I need to feel, realizing that my life is changed forever and trying to, in small ways honor Ed with my life. Slowly, ever so slowly, moments of joy creep in. But my life is different now. Not the way I had envisioned it for sure. And for me, I had to grieve the life I had and try to re-invent a new one with Ed in it but now only through a spiritual connection and through my Christian belief that I will see him again. This is the hardest thing a mom can go though anf your feelings are normal. Trust that the pain will lighten over time and allow yourself to have the best life you can. Love to you and dear Jackie, Linda
I feel exactly the same way although the pain and heaviness in my heart is gone. I don\'t even know when that happened but one day I realized it was gone. Melissa was gone 4 years in November. Yes, everyone travels through this journey at a different speed. So I can\'t tell you exactly when the pain will subside but just know that it does happen. xoxoxo Connie
I totally understand what you are saying...in AA they have a saying \" fake it until you make it\" ...or in other words...act as if you are ok and someday you will find you are..of course the someday is different for each of us..
Hugs
MaryLou
I hear ya! We continue to survive but there is always the vacancy in our heart and minds, and there are reminders, there are holidays, but as time goes on
the stabbing pain lessens, and we learn we are more resilient than we think. And we carry on for the others who care about us and don\'t want to see us sad, so we pretend and sometimes the pretending becomes our new way, if you know what I mean. It just isn\'t fair, is it? Hugs, BarbaraWawa
Oh, I cannot make any promises because each person\'s grief is different and there are no timelines. All I can tell you is that year 3 proved so much gentler for me. Year two was bad. I have come to a place of acceptance of that which I struggled to accept for two years. The denial and disbelief \"pops\" in now and then, but I have come to a place of acceptance. Year two is hard. Some say it is worse than year one. We are learning to accept in year two. And how very painful that is!!! We are here with you every step of the way, my friend. Hugs, Belinda
I know the feeling of just existing. Greg has been gone for 4 years and there is still a lot of time that I am just existing. I actually am having a harder time right now than I have been having for a while. This thing is a roller coaster. We will always miss our beautiful children, that is for sure. In time, I feel like we will find a way to live with their spirits becoming part of ours so that the true joy and love of their being is always part of us. Sending you tight hugs and love, Anne
No the pain will never end Gail.
Tight hugs,
Terry
You are taking those baby steps and doing your very best dear Gail. I see myself in your words and there is no goal to be reached or time table, yet what I do know is that even though the fact that our children are not in their earth suits with us in the ways that we had always hoped for and that will never change somehow we are changing. Healing is happening even in our darkest hours.
I too did not begin to truly notice the healing moments within me until I was in my third and now fourth year and Donna (Reunion) reminds us that we\'re still very much in the early years of our grief. That helps me because we are such a \"disposable\" and \"get on with life\" society that we begin to think that something is \"wrong\" with us and yes, something is. We are grieving the worst loss a mother can face and trying to recalibrate everything to this \"new normal.\" Whatever that is and I think I\'m still just trying to discover it. It is indeed a work in progress.
Loving care to you and you have many understanding companions who are standing beside you. I\'m right with you and if I didn\'t have each of you to lean on I\'m not sure where I would be. You are my anchor places and for that I will be forever grateful. Let us each continue to be that for one another.
Love and the most understanding of (((hugs)))
XO Joanie