It is what it is
darkness. sadness. always alone. no matter what we do in this life in the end we are always alone. I go through my days with a mindless numbness. What is the purpose in this life? you work your ass off just to keep a roof over your head and food on the table. Is that all there is? i'm tired of the endless fight. There are no more dreams; no hope of joy and happiness. I am too old to start over. I have no hope of ever having financial security. My health is not great. nowhere near as bad as most here but I feel it. I try and lose myself in books and movies wondering if that is really what my problem is. I am ruined by hollywood. ruined by the idea that there is always that real and true love between people.
The problem with movies and books is that they end eventually and we have to come back to reality. A reality I would rather sleep through if only I could. I can't even count on that. I tried to sleep in this morning. If the pain does not wake me the anxiety will.
Tomorrow I will start another week and pretend for the world like everything is ok.
It is what it is.
The problem with movies and books is that they end eventually and we have to come back to reality. A reality I would rather sleep through if only I could. I can't even count on that. I tried to sleep in this morning. If the pain does not wake me the anxiety will.
Tomorrow I will start another week and pretend for the world like everything is ok.
It is what it is.
Replies
This is the ugly face of depression looking down on you. The numbness may well be PTSD -- I am all too familiar with the numbing effects of this. It was perceived at first as almost painful but after about three days I began to understand it was a protection for my survival in crisis -- that was five years ago that it first hit me. I don\'t mind the numbness part any longer as I accept it for the survival it provides. What I mind are the \'causes\' that make having numbness for survival so essential in my life as the crisis it is that I have faced since the death of my husband in January of 03.
If you \'go with the flow\' and not overthink it you may actually reach a level area of survival that will allow you to begin to adapt and find creative ways to make survival not only possible but also worthwhile. I am beginning to think that deep within our genetic makeup are \'untapped skills\' for survival that we only have access to when we find ourselves attempting to endure and survive prolonged crisis -- perhaps the \'price of admission\' to our true \'higher level\' abilities of survival? I\'m not sure but after eleven years of crisis where death has come so close as to breathe itself down my neck a few times -- I have to say there is real worth in allowing ourselves to \'go with the flow\' and \'adapt\' over time. It will bring you into contact with inner resources you had no way of knowing, under any other circumstances outside of crisis, that you had within you for your survival.
In the mean time buckle up super tight -- it is going to be a bumpy road getting to your place of survival -- but for me I think it is well worth the \'ride\'.
Gentle ((hugs)) shared. Remember -- the journey is only one day at a time in length and we can find \'rest stops\' along the way to refresh now and again.
Dear heart...I understand EXACTLY what you\'re saying here.
Life does seem futile, doesn\'t it??? It\'s tiring...exhausting, in fact...and it doesn\'t seem to have purpose. But, it\'s from this viewpoint that you have a clean slate by which to work. You invent what you need. You feed yourself, to the best of your ability...until things change.
As John McCain said about his time in captivity...he understood that...eventually...in process in time...that things would change somewhere along the way...either for the bad or the good...and your perspective will change right along with it.
You need some compassion here. You weren\'t meant to be all alone in this, but depression will isolate...and eventually kill you...if you\'re not careful.
On your side...